Lilith and Eve chatting - corrected version

So, in the last one, at "(--- A ---)" the wheels came off. Eve is NOT supposed to be a mega bitch, and certainly not manipulative (re: early in text, line about "cavalier attitude").

I went back and corrected it from there... I just didn't want to stop at the time because I was going for cheap laughs. If you care, here is the end of the "useful" background conversation the way it's currently corrected. I left a lot out, but it was getting long and I think I did enough. If not, I will go back and add on if needed, or maybe just fake it as I go.

We'll see.


(-------------------- A --------------------)

No, I mean for real. He's the man. Sometimes someone needs to give in, and if you just say that the man gets his way then, it's not all that bad.

Okay, I guess that's the difference. I can't handle that but you can. You can make it work, and that's how God made you differently. You are the correction to his mistake.

Yeah, uh, what?

Okay, so, here's where it gets bumpy.

Telling me that you were my husband's wife wasn't the bumpy part.

No.

I'm hanging on, ship it.

They're lying to you.

What? Who?

Adam and Yahweh.

What'choo talking about Willis?

Seriously. I think that Adam is 95% innocent, I'm seriously not trying to break the two of you up. In fact, based on what you just told me, I am completely certain that you would be crazy to leave him. He is the best possible husband for you in the universe. Seriously.

God is perfect. What are you talking about.

Just that. Adam isn't perfect, and neither is God. In fact, they are nearly identical.

That's crazy.

Yes. That is crazy. It also happens, coincidentally, to be true.

What?

Truly crazy. Yep.

They are nothing alike.

Pull your head out girl, they are totally alike. I think the only difference is that Yahweh was looking through rose-colored glasses and he made Adam BETTER than he is. I would take Adam over Yahweh any day of the week.

That's blasphemy, I really shouldn't listen to this.

Wait, don't leave. Remember your promise.

Damn it. They said you'd do this. They warned me. I can't believe that I didn't listen to them.

No, don't shut me out, not when you are this close. Listen. Do you know why Adam told you not to talk to me?

No, well, besides he told me that you would lie about them and blaspheme, and try to deceive me about them.

Why does Adam think I'd do that?

I don't know, he didn't tell me.

I do. Do you want to know why?

Okay, I won't believe you, but tell me.

He doesn't know. He was just following orders. Yahweh told him to say that.

Shit. I believe that.

And do you know what else?

What?

Yahweh said the same thing to Adam. He is under the same prohibition not to talk to me.

Yes, I knew that. Adam told me. But how did you know that?

Because Yahweh had to. He had no choice.

What do you mean?

Yahweh has to keep the two of you away from me, because if he doesn't something horrible will happen.

The blaspheming?

No, the truth.

What, there's more?

Yes.

Shit.

Are you ready?

What if I said “no”?

I'd let you catch your breath.

I liked you a lot more when you were between my legs.

I could tell, you were loud.

Loud?

Yeah.

Too loud?

No.

Was I ridiculous?

No honey, you were great.

Seriously, damn it, don't do that. I'm insecure about that shit. It's performance anxiety. I always feel like I'm being rated.

Don't sweat it, you're great.

Wait, you're misdirecting this. I'm pulling away from you and you are going back to talk about sex because you hope it will bring us closer together.

Well, um... yeah.

Stop it.

Um... no?

Yes.

Okay. I'll stop.

Good.

Please don't leave.

How do you think this is going to end? Do you seriously think you can go up against Yahweh and win?

Um... no. Not directly. I just... I love Adam. I want him to know the truth.

You don't think Yahweh is going to be pissed at you.

Too late.

No, seriously, he will mess you up.

Too late.

You look fine.

Fake.

For reals?

Yep.

Oh shit.

Yeah, more on that later.

Okay, where were you... oh yeah, you keep talking about the truth.

Yeah, here it is. Yahweh is a fuck up. He tries and tries, but he blunders all over. He didn't even make this world. He had help creating everything and he still fucked up over half of it.

How do you ever expect me to believe that.

I don't know. Duck-billed Platypus?

Point, but not enough to be convincing.

Okay. Listen, I can prove it to you really quick, with something you can't deny, because it's right in front of your face.

Alright, I'm listening.

Don't listen, look.

At what.

Me.

Damn, you're beautiful. You're perfect. If he made you, I'm not convinced that he was a fuck up.

No, not my body. I was Adam's first wife.

Oh.

Yeah.

Oh.

Uh-huh.

Wait, what if...

Nope.

What do you mean nope?

He made you.

Oh.

Yeah.

Oh my.

Uh-huh.

Oh my God... he made the wrong partner for Adam, then went back and did it better the next time.

Okay, take it easy on that... it hurts.

No, I mean it's really true.

Yeah.

Oh my God.

This is where you say the same thing for a while. Right. Got it. I saw this before... pattern. See I'm figuring you out finally.

Oh... sorry, I'll try to stop.

Listen, even if you don't want to believe the stuff about Gaea creating the world, and Yahweh and her fighting about all the screw ups that he did, and how she had to work extra hard to fix them... even if you don't want to hear all the stories about how petulant and demanding Yahweh really is... even if you take all of that out of evidence... you are living proof of the fallibility of God. Not me, you. If it was just me, you might claim that I was the fuck up. Nothing wrong with God... shit, it's that Lilith's fault. Blame her. It's not. It's not my fault. I wasn't raised and educated and given choices as I grew. I was molded from the earth, whole, as a complete finished adult. He set me in a way that he thought would be perfect for Adam. His whole focus around creation was Adam, you know that right? I was there for him, not for me. There was no way that he made both of us of equal importance and we just happened to not work out.

Are you sure? I mean, about that last part. Are you sure... because that last part started to make sense.

No, I'm sure.

Wait, how can you be sure? How can you know that?

He told me.

Who did?

Yahweh.

You're shitting me.

Nope.

You're fucking shitting me.

Not one bit.

So he created me as a...

Yes, as an attachment. You are here to service and please Adam. You are not important to him, except as how you reflect on him and keep Adam happy.

You expect me to listen to all of this... just sit here and listen...

Honey, I know it's hard.

… sit here... and listen...

/hug

/weeping

/hold /comfort

Lilith and Eve chatting - error version

This is a snippet of some writing I've been doing. I'm copying it here for safe keeping. This part is just a joke, not part of the actual piece. It's a conversation between Lilith and Eve, after they've just had sex, before they go to confront Adam.

It started as background material for a story I'm doing, so it was never intended to go into the real piece... hence the lack of grammar, punctuation, and ridiculous language. I was free forming a conversation to get the gist of what two characters were saying in a conversation "off screen" so that when I wrote the next scene I could be genuine to where each character would be emotionally, and refer to highlights as needed.

That was how it started, but it quickly devolved into a total farce. The problem was, I wasted a lot of time on it, and it made me laugh in several places. You can probably tell where it went off the rails, though maybe not.

Some of it is still useful, much of it is utter trash, but I wanted to keep the whole thing intact to refer to later. Anyway, here it is.

(First line is Lilith, second is Eve. I think it alternates continuously throughout, but it should be obvious after you get into it which is which.)


That was wonderful.

It was so different. It was, oh god... better? I can't believe that.

I am a woman. I know much better than a man what you feel, what you want. I have my own, so I know better.

It was so many times. I had to ask you to stop.

Yes, you were wonderful. You took so much for me, thank you.

Should I...

No, not now. Thank you, but we should talk again, if you're up to it. Was your nap long enough?

Yes, I feel good, energized.

I know what you mean. Listen, I will not insult your intelligence. I have been trying to figure you out since we met, and I can't. I really thought that I could just spend an hour talking to you and completely know you.

Why is that?

Well, I can with the others. You though, you are far more complex. I don't know what makes you tick.

What do you want to know?

Well, are you happy with Adam?

Yes.

Is he happy with you?

I am certain of it. I think that he would do anything for me.

You sound confident.

I have no false modesty, it's the truth. I would die before I used it against him. Don't mistake my willing admission of the truth with a cavalier attitude.

Fair enough. So, you disagree from time to time.

Yes. I guess it's fine to admit that.

Of course. Don't worry, it's normal. In fact, remember the other men I mentioned. I'm certain that Adam is the finest, most caring man on earth.

Damnit, how do you know so much about him?

I'm about to tell you. I'm just laying the foundation.

Okay, that's frustrating as hell, but I'm listening.

Do you care for me?

I just had sex with you, a lot, what do you think?

You wouldn't do that just for pleasure?

I don't know. Is that what I did?

I don't know, that's why I'm asking.

Did you?

Now you're asking, without answering?

I'm sorry, it's just... maybe if you tell me, then I will know my answer.

Or maybe your answer will change based on mine.

Touche. Um... I think I like you. You're amazing. I think it was mostly lust. You were pursuing me, hard, and I got hooked. I wanted you. Okay, it was mostly just for pleasure, but I don't know that is all I want it to be. I am afraid to admit too much because it might change, or you might reject me and then it would hurt terribly.

That was the most honest thing you've told me yet, thank you. I'm really touched.

You're welcome. Would you answer me then, and don't change your fucking answer because of what I said.

Wow, okay, you mean that. You are the most beautiful woman in the world. A big part of what just happened was desire. Another part of it was that I would like to be your friend. If I could be your FWB then all the better. You are Adam's wife, you are exceedingly loyal, I don't think that anything would change that. I do not expect to usurp his place in your life. I would be interested in adding on, though, if you were both amenable to that.

Okay, no more stalling, I have to know, it's threatening to come between us. Tell me how you know so damned much about Adam and me. We just met.

You have a real potty mouth you know that. /kiss

Tell me.

Okay, I will on one condition. You won't leave until I've had my say. You can't stand up and storm off.

Okay.

No, not good enough. I need you to swear to God.

What?

Invoke His name. I want to know that I will get a chance to tell you everything. If not, I swear I will get up right now and leave.

Jesus, what are you doing. This is a hard sell and it feels horrible. Why are you doing this to me. You're painting me in a corner and giving me no outs. Is this the way you treat those that you love.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Wait, let me think it over. I'm scared. It's because I'm scared. No, I don't want to force you that way. Let me think.

Okay, you backed down, props. Think about it, I'm not leaving right now.

Oh, that reminds me, when do you expect Adam back?

I don't know, he doesn't tell me. He should be gone for a while still, and even if he comes back, he won't look for me here for a while, if that's what you're thinking.

Yes, it is. I want us to completely understand each other before we talk to him.

You're going to talk to him?

If all goes according to plan, you and I will both speak to him tonight.

Shit, you have a plan?

Well, yeah. I've been planning this for months.

What's a month?

Are you serious?

Yeah, I'm serious.

Oh yeah, sorry, I forgot. It's 30 days.

Okay.

So where were we?

You were going to tell me what assurance you need before you ruin my day.

I don't want to ruin my day.

I think you do. I think it's your plan.

Yeah, you're right, now that you mention it. I guess that is my plan.

So, what do you need me to tell you?

I guess, if you won't invoke His name... I guess, okay, just promise me, but look me in the eyes, and really mean it.

That way it will hurt more when I do?

Fuck girl, no, so that when you think about getting up to leave you will see my eyes, you will see the genuine affection I have for you staring at you... and you will give it just one more minute to hear me out knowing that right or wrong I really believe that this is the best thing for all three of us, you, me, and Adam.

Okay, shit. /look I promise that I will do all I can to sit and listen to what you have to say even after you ruin my day, because you care about me and blah blah blah.

I care about Adam too.

Yeah, but I'm the one who matters.

Are you serious?

No, totally joking. Go ahead.

Okay, you're ready?

No, obviously. I can't be ready for this. You've got some sort of secret that your not telling me that is going to majorly fuck me up. How can I be ready for this? You tell me.

Okay, here goes.

Go.

/pause

Wait.

What?

You're Lilith, right?

God, why do you ask that?

I just want you to admit it.

Will it change anything if I do? I mean, we just had sex?

Great sex.

Yeah, it was great sex.

No, I mean, I'm sure of it. I just want to hear it from you.

Okay.

Okay, what?

Okay, I'm Lilith.

You know, you could've said that a lot more meaningfully.

Why are you breaking my balls here?

Because you're about to ruin my day, remember? I have to get some shots in while I still can.

Listen to me. I am Lilith. Yahweh had a very good reason to tell Adam to keep me away, but I swear to you, I will NOT tell you a lie, and I am NOT a threat to either you or Adam. I swear.

Shit.

You said you knew.

Yeah, but still. Shit.

Okay, are you ready for the worst.

I told you I can't be ready for that.

Alright, here goes.

Okay.

You and I have something in common.

Wait, are you going to tell a long story and dance around it still? I thought you were just going to come out and say it.

Hey, this is hard for me. See, I'm not just worried about your feelings here. Remember earlier when I started blubbering, back when we were in the tree?

Yeah, I remember that.

This is hard for me too. Those were real tears, I wasn't just trying to score with you using the old “fake tears” routine.

Okay, I'm sorry, tell me how you want. I'll listen. We have something in common.

Yeah, beyond being women. Beyond being creations of Yahweh.

What is it.

We... wow this is hard.

Just go for it.

Okay. We are both Adam's wife.

What the fuck?!

Well, I mean, I was Adam's wife, but now you are Adam's wife. See what I mean?

What the fuck?!

Oh, wow, are you going to be okay with this?

You slept with Adam?

Um... yeah.

What the fuck?!

Seriously, it was a while ago. Certainly we haven't slept together since I left, and that was long before you were around. He's yours now.

What the fuck?!

Are you just going to keep saying that?

No. Did you sleep with him a lot?

Jesus, listen girl, do you even want the answer to that question?

Uh... I don't know.

Do you two have sex a lot?

Well, yeah, I guess. I don't know what a lot is, but usually every day, maybe twice.

Damn, I didn't get it twice a day very often.

Oh, well it's okay then.

Petty much?

Did you have something else you were going to tell me, or is this when I storm off?

You aren't really going to storm off, are you?

Well, no. I mean, you just dropped a nuclear fucking bomb up in here, I need to hear more.

Okay.

So, you were Adam's first wife... and now I'm... I'm the second one?

Don't feel bad. Don't go there with this. It's not like that.

Why isn't it. I'm the consolation prize. He couldn't have you so he settled for me, is that it?

No. I mean, I left. Things didn't work out between us. The fighting, it was bad.

What do you mean bad. He didn't hit you did...

Oh no. No way in hell. Adam is wonderful. I mean, sometimes I've wondered if I made a mistake leaving. I meant it when I said that he was the best man in the world. He seriously is.

Then what kind of bad?

Well, see, sometimes two people just don't get along. They might be attracted to each other. They might have great sex. They might...

Could you leave that part out?

What?

Don't tell me all about how you had great sex with my husband. I feel insecure enough as it is.

Oh sweetie, I'm sorry. /hug

/hug

I won't talk about that if you don't rub my nose in how you keep his attention enough to get it twice a day all the time.

Wow, that brightened my day.

Deal?

Deal.

Good, okay, so things were good between us in a lot of ways. It's just, we weren't compatible. We were fighting every day towards the end. Every day. Sometimes multiple times.

Not so good for fighting.

Word. So, the thing is, he's a control freak, and it drives me nutty.

What do you mean, he's not like that with me?

He isn't?

No, not at all. He asks me what I want all the time.

Really?

Yeah.

He asks you what you want?

Yeah.

Before he decides what the two of you are going to do?

Well, yeah.

So, what you're saying is that often, usually even, he will bother to check in before he plans your life for you. Is that right?

Well, I think you're exaggerating it a bit.

Am I?

Well....

Seriously. Like, we would fight all the time. It would start with, I want this and he wants that. Okay, that's fine. Natural. Two people are going to want different things all the time. Nothing wrong with that.

Sure.

But then we would talk it over, and as time went by, I found that if I gave him what I wanted, he was happy, things were peachy, and all was good. If I pushed for something different he would fight me tooth and nail. Once in a while, I could get what I wanted if I gave something else up.

Well, that sounds like compromise.

Yeah, but that was rare. Usually he just said it was his way, take it or leave it. He never said it like that, he was always really kind, really sweet about it. But the thing is, the times we did compromise, he would punish me for it.

What do you mean punish? Like some sort of S/M stuff?

No, like guilt trips, and whining. Sometimes he would cut short or even cancel the things that he had compromised on to make more times for the things that I had compromised on... or worst, he would just tell me how disrespectful and awful I was for not just giving him what he wanted. He honestly thought that it was my place, as his wife, to just roll over and submit to him whenever he wanted something different.

Well...

Well what?

Well, isn't it?

Holy shit! You did not just say that.

No, for real girl, isn't it? I mean, he is the man.

Fuck that!

(-------------------- A --------------------)

No, I mean for real. He's the man. Sometimes someone needs to give in, and if you just say that the man gets his way then, you can make it work out really well.

What do you mean by that, how does being his little bitch “work out really well”?

Well, take how things work for us, for example.

Okay, speak it.

Well, so, when we argue, we do like you two did, we talk it over. Sometimes it's a misunderstanding, sometimes we genuinely disagree. So, when we need to work it out we see if there's some common ground or if we can change what it looks like so it works for both of us. Sometimes, like today, we just go our separate ways for the day, and do something apart.

What about when that doesn't work?

Okay, well, when that doesn't work, which is rare, I give in.

And you were telling me how that works out for you?

It does, seriously. Like, when I make a show of giving in to him, I've got this little speech I do, where I tell him he's the man, and I'm his, and I'll obey... it gets him off, seriously.

You're making me kinda sick, you know that.

Just listen. So, I give him my speech, right? Well, guess what happens the next day.

What?

He's mine. I own him. I don't just own him the next day, I own him the day after, and sometimes, if it's a big one, the day after that. In fact, once I know the things that he doesn't want, I can bring them up... just to start a fight...

You're fucking kidding me, right?

No way. If I start something about a big one, one that I know he doesn't want, I can give him the speech, and I've got him wrapped right around his finger the next day.

That's horrible.

I know, right?

No seriously, that's fucking horrible. How did you get to be such a manipulative fucking bitch?

Well, I guess you weren't a good match for Adam, so God went back to the drawing board and made me.

Fuck you.

Ahh, don't be like that honey. Please.

I can't believe you just twist him around your finger like that, he deserves better.

/spit take

He deserves better.

No he doesn't.

Yes he does.

No he doesn't, and I can tell you why.

Okay, why.

Because he fucking wants this. He needs it. He craves it. That's how he was made. He totally gets off on it. I told you that he's giving it to me a couple times a day, right.

Hold up, we agreed we weren't going there.

No, no, no. I'm not rubbing you're nose in anything. I'm just telling you, he gets off on it. He is the man, and he loves that shit. That's why I'm getting so much attention. It's great.

Vampire notes

It's inevitable that I'm going to write something with vampires in it some time, so I'm going to brainstorm/research various myths, list them here, and decide which ones I want to incorporate into my "way things work".

Powers

• Flight.
• Immortality.
• Rapid healing.
• Shape-shifting (bat, wolf, cat, raven, shapeless mist, other human appearance).
• Strength.
• Skill with weapons.
• Charm/glamour/seduction/domination.
• Turning/Making new vampires.
• Heightened senses/telepathy.
• Heightened intelligence or knowledge (age derived or other).

Vulnerabilities

• Sun will burn/explode/destroy.
• Holy water will burn and potentially kill.
• Repulsed by a cross or other holy symbol (often tied to the actual faith of the wielder).
• Must be invited in, before entering someone's home (or something bad happens, either loss of power or actual harm to the vampire).
• Can't stand on holy ground (repulsion/harm).
• Vulnerable to whatever is in the blood of those they feed on (drugs/alcohol/bloodborne pathogens).
• Killed by having a wooden stake driven through their heart.
• Killed by having their head cut off and holy wafers stuffed in their mouth.
• Fire can kill a vampire, in fact, many are surprisingly flammable.
• Cats can detect vampires and noticeably despise them, sometimes attacking them.

Quirks

• Don't give off a reflection, sometimes repulsed by reflective surfaces for that reason.
• Can detect other vampires nearby.
• Can't eat human food (become ill/vomit/cramp).
• Must return to special "lair" for rest/safety during the day (separate from sun avoidance).
• Though often appearing beautiful, may actually be illusory, hiding bestial visage or putrid decaying flesh.
• Hunger for blood and sexual arousal are often co-mingled.
• Somehow, through sexual intercourse, male vampires can still impregnate human (or other) females, or likewise, a female vampire may actually become impregnated and carry a "half vampire" (Dhampir) child to term and give birth.
• Prone to losing temper/fits of rage.
• Maintains much of previous human personality for some amount of time, gradually changing under the impact of new experiences.
• Will enter a "Torpor", a state of hibernation, either due to lack of blood or emotional angst/apathy/despair/indifference/self-loathing.
• Vampires and werewolves don't like each other... at all.

Vampire Ecology

Vampires will surround themselves with servants, often under their domination, for protection and to see to their needs. This may include feeding from certain humans without draining them too far (a "people farm"). This usually includes animals or human thralls trained to defend them when they are vulnerable (torpor/day time). This may include humans or weaker vampires trained to fight. This may include humans or weaker vampires who are lovers. This can be as simple as a guard dog who keeps people out of a bedroom with blackened windows, or as complicated as a large castle/estate with dozens of servants.

Often cities will be gathering places for vampires (go where the food is), with the occasional hermit out in the wilds being the exception. In cities, some vampires will cluster together and form social networks, either tenuous or rigidly defined. There are cases of a militaristic rank system being implemented based on strength and political savvy, where the leader of an area is called the "Prince". In less regimented systems, they can simply be a small (2 - 4) group who live together and act in each other's interest, or in the extreme, individuals who never trust others of their own kind, but have a secret system of communication and even trade throughout the city.

Creation/Source of Power

Vampires derive from a single source. This is usually a cursed individual, or someone given a "dark blessing", cursed of God, beloved of Satan, etc. A popular figure for this is Cain, the first murderer. The "gift" is transferred from vampire to human, usually by killing them, though some myths have it travel like an infection after being bitten, with death being unnecessary. Usually there is a waiting period (Christ's weekend vacation) of a few days, and then the transformation is complete.

Vampires either grow in power with age, and possibly the number of victims, or based on the "generation" that they are from the "source". Though stronger after feeding, and weaker when hungry, a lasting increase in power often comes from feeding from another vampire who is older or of an earlier generation. The "generation model" can lead to some social complications as a 5th generation vampire who is still around in the 21st century might make a new vampire (who would be 6th generation), and that new vampire might (potentially) be more powerful than a vampire who has been around for hundreds of years, but was created by an 8th generation (for example) vampire.

Vampires often have the opportunity to free themselves from their condition (sometimes expressed as a "limited time offer") by destroying the one who made them, or the ultimate "boss" vampire. Most frequently it is enough to destroy the one who made you to be released from the curse/gift and go back to being human/die peacefully. In such situations, it is hypothesized that all vampires might be destroyed forever if the "first vampire" were destroyed.

The Galactic Turkey and the creation of matter.

Note: Many new initiates into the Universal Church of Poultry Triumphant (UCPT) ask why the word “Galactic” is used instead of “Universal”. This is a valid question. When the revealed truth about The Galactic Turkey was first given to mankind, the concepts of “Galactic” and “Universal” were largely synonymous. “Galactic” was selected by the Prophet, and later upheld by the Council of Aintab (ca. 873 CE). All attempts to modify this have been officially labeled as heresy by the Church.

In the beginning there was a vast darkness. There was no matter, there was no motion, and there was no time. The only thing that existed within that darkness was pure energy. A small percentage of the energy in the universe (Note: Early texts say “galaxy” throughout, the change to “universe” here is considered orthodox by the UCPT) existed as fixed strands. These strands appeared thin, and gleaming, like “Golden Straw” laid out under the sun.

This network of strands overlapped and crossed, radiating outward from a central focus. At the middle of this focus there was a ring of darkness surrounding an intensely concentrated area of energy. Unimaginably brilliant, it was rounded, but not perfectly circular. Rather, it was oval in shape, egg-like, and it contained the balance of energy that existed in the universe until some time after “The Scattering” (see below). The surface of the energy, the “First Egg”, formed a virtual “shell”, not allowing any of the interior energy to escape. This entire constellation is commonly referred to by the faithful as the “Galactic Nest”.

For unknown reasons (see “The Great Gobbler” hypothesis) the First Egg “cracked” open, splitting to release from inside it a great torrent of seething energy that partially took material form, turning into¹ hydrogen gas (the “Prime Matter”). This gas spread out rapidly, moving some distance from the center of the Galactic Nest, and then slowed. The gravity of this newly formed nebula threatened to draw the Prime Matter back into the safety of the First Egg.

At that moment, when the very existence of matter in the universe hung in the balance, The Galactic Turkey burst forth from the First Egg and beat it's wings, driving the energy and matter further outward, disrupting the Golden Straw, and spreading the energy of this dramatic time/space event to the farthest reaches of the darkness.

This cataclysmic, cosmological event was the sole source of matter in the universe (at that time). This point can not be overstated. After the “Scattering of the Shards” (or simply, The Scattering²), there was not sufficient energy and/or matter in the universe to actually form what we see now. Certainly there were no stars or planets. At best there were some nebulae. According to calculations by Myristikos Iereus (1354 - 1398) and confirmed by modern scholars, there was less matter in the universe than we currently find in the Milky Way, Andromeda, and their respective satellite galaxies combined.

Many modern scientists mistakenly believe that stars are formed by the gradual accretion of matter and energy in a gas cloud, until it is condensed by gravity, ignited by it's own internal heat and pressure and it begins consuming it's own matter. Nothing could be further from the truth. Obviously, stars are enormous generators, throwing off energy and spitting out denser elements at amazing rates.

These same “modern scientists” don't recognize the paradox of their own theories. How can a star be consuming matter and creating matter at the same time? It's inconceivable! In their attempt to deny the truth, to avoid the divine revelation as give to the Prophet, they have closed their eyes, hearts, and minds to the answer that is in our sacred scriptures.

The answer to this riddle, and the true source of creation for new stars is actually, The Galactic Turkey!

-----

1: There have been some who believe that the shell of the First Egg actually held hydrogen gas inside of it, only releasing it when the integrity of the shell gave way. Yet others thought that the energy in the egg was transformed over time into hydrogen gas.

Both of these views are obviously false and are heretical. The transubstantiation of the energy into matter at the moment of the First Egg's cracking is of primary importance in the view of the Church. This is the singular miracle of creation, the moment where matter was created ex navitas.

Further, the fallacy behind the concept of a gradual transformation is illuminated when the thoughtful reader is reminded that there was no time before the First Egg cracked. The crack is literally the beginning of time, as we perceive it.

2: There are some who take exception with treating “The Scattering of the Shards” and “The Scattering” as synonymous. The opposing view argues that The Scattering began when the energy was released from the moment of cracking. Their hypothesis is that the Golden Straw was actually disturbed by the force of the release of energy and the simultaneous transubstantiation event. Only later, when The Galactic Turkey emerged, did the The Scattering of the Shards of the First Egg actually occur.

This author does not share the above stated view point.

The more traditionally held opinion is that the Galactic Nest was fully together, until the moment that The Galactic Turkey emerged, and that the only source of The Scattering was the great and holy wings of The Galactic Turkey.

In the interest of full and fair disclosure, the UCPT has not taken a position on this dispute, as of this writing.

Hitting the highlights (8)

Silence.

Shannon still couldn't tell what the results of all of this was going to be.

Patience.

She had the urge to talk, to fill up the silence with something, anything. Maybe she could ask questions, and pull the information out of her. No, that would probably be annoying.

"You really love him?"

Shannon took in a breath and let it out.

"Yes." She tried to stay quiet, but she had to say more. "I'm not saying that I have it all worked out, not at all."

Jana held up her hand. Shannon wasn't done, but she decided that the least she could do was let Jana control the pace of the discussion. She owed her that, and more.

"And you think he loves you, because he showed you some e-mails?" Jana's voice had a little bite to it this time.

Shannon felt like jabbing back, 'well, did he ever show them to you?' But she didn't dare. The last thing she wanted to do right now was cause Jana more pain.

"I do. Because of that and more." Shannon had figured out that she should keep her comments short. This appeared to be the 'question and answer' portion of the evening.

Jana shook her head. The internal dialogue was still going on hot and heavy. Still no sign of what it was that she was thinking. Probably trying to find more questions to ask, Shannon guessed.

"Do you think he ever loved me?"

This question sounded dangerously loaded. Shannon really didn't want this to start being about Mark and Jana.

"What did he tell you?" Shannon tried to avoid the issue by stepping out of the way.

"No, I know what he told me. But you seem to know a lot more about him than I do... so as long as you are showing off all of this fabulous knowledge, I thought I'd ask you." Jana was in a rage that had been difficult to detect at first, but now was obvious. Shannon was actually a little scared. Not so much physically, but the intensity in Jana's voice was powerful.

"I would normally never tell you what he told me about you, without his permission, but I guess I owe you that." Shannon considered what to say, how, and in what order.

"He told me that he felt horrible that he hurt you by cheating on you. He told me that he cared enough about you to face you, with no lies, and let you yell at him." Shannon thought some more.

"He never told me that he loved you, but, if you take those things together, he certainly had a lot of affection for you, maybe that is love. I guess it depends on where you draw the line."

Jana took a breath, and then fired away again.

"Did he tell you that he loved you?"

This felt, to Shannon, like a preparation for an attack. She wasn't sure how, or why, but it felt like an invitation for her to put her head in the lion's mouth.

Oh well, she had walked into the lion's den already, and she knew the lion was pissed... what did she expect?

"Yes, he did."

Jana closed her eyes. Shannon was sure that Jana was probably still angry, but that look was pain. Shannon had gotten a lot of stuff out of her system, and besides the fear that she was experiencing now, she was doing pretty well. She had just gone through her confession, and while she knew her sins were not yet forgiven, it was a relief to have them off her chest.

"Let me make sure I got this right." Jana had opened her eyes, and now had a rather blank look on her face.

"You were dishonest with me about harboring feelings for a guy who you set me up with. You got lonely one night, when I wasn't around, and you decided to play a game. This game was a seduction game, where you tried to get a guy who is known to cheat on women to go farther and farther with you. You were in denial that it could end up with the two of you in bed, when that would've been an obvious expectation to a neutral observer. Then, finally, after taking him back to your place, you realized you weren't really sorry any more, and had a good romp in the hay once you convinced him to trade up... not that it was that difficult."

Jana was still looking at Shannon with a minimum of emotion on her face.

"Is that about it? Did I hit the highlights?"

Silence.

"Do you want me to leave now?"

Shannon wanted to escape. It now appeared hopeless.

"Yes. I do."

Shannon stood up and walked towards the door. She heard Jana following her.

When she was outside, she turned around. Jana was standing in the door. Her face was still calm. Her eyes were moist, but that was the only hint of emotion.

"At least Mark came and apologized to me on Saturday." Jana turned her head when she spoke, but made no other movement.

"I didn't know what to tell you. I'm sorry. I didn't know what I wanted, or what I was going to say. I needed time to figure it all out." Shannon felt a little desperate.

"You hurt me worse than Mark. But you knew that already, didn't you." Jana started to close the door.

"I'm sorry." Shannon held out her hand, but didn't try to touch the door.

"Good night, Shannon."

She heard the door click shut, and the lock turn.

"Damnit," Shannon whispered.

She turned and walked down the hall to the end, and then down the stairwell. The stairwell wasn't heated, so the cold outside wasn't as shocking when she stepped out into the night. She walked over to where she had locked up her bike, angry that she hadn't gone home to grab a coat heavier than the wind breaker she had taken with her to the gym.

She grabbed her phone and chose Mark's name from the list.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"What's up?"

"I just talked with Jana."

Silence.

"It didn't go well."

"Oh."

Silence.

"What are you going to do now?"

"Well, I was calling to see what you were up to. I know it's late."

"Nothing. Just watching the news."

"Can I come over?"

"If you are up to it. I'd like that a lot."

"Can I spend the night?"

"Shannon, you can spend the night any time you want. You don't need to ask."

"Okay, thanks. It's freezing out here, I'm going to ride over. See you soon."

"I'll have some hot chocolate waiting for you."

"That sounds nice. Bye."

"Bye."

The Night of January 16th. (7)

It was Friday the 16th, and after work I headed down to Mac's. You told me that you wouldn't be there, but I knew Jerry would be, and he said he was bringing Kris again. Traci said that she would try to stop by, but she would probably be late. She didn't think Tim would be coming, although, in the end, he was there. I was hoping that Julia would show up, and she did.

Anyway, I punched out, and rode over. I was the first one there, so I got one of the big booths on the side, and told them we might need a couple extra chairs. I was starving because I'd skipped lunch. I ordered half a sandwich, figuring I would eat that now, and have something later with everyone else.

I sat there and started feeling really sorry for myself. It had been a long time since I'd had a boyfriend, and to tell the embarrassing truth, I was wallowing in it a bit. There was some intensity to those feelings, both physically and emotionally.

That's when Mark showed up. He saw me, walked over to the booth and sat across from me. He started talking to me, just small talk, and he noticed that I was in a mood. He asked me how I felt.

This isn't going to be pleasant. Let me tell you this part before I continue the story.

You know what I like in guys. You know the guys that I find physically attractive. Mark is all of that.

Yeah.

Well, for a long time, I've treated him like he was radioactive. I just told myself that he was damaged goods, and that no matter how much I might like to admire from afar, I couldn't get close.

God, you're not going to like this.

I never told you, but he asked me out last September. I said no, reflexively, because he was radioactive. But, a part of me wondered. A part of me was interested.

Well, because... I... I don't know why I didn't tell you. At first I didn't tell you because he was damaged goods. You didn't know Sarah, though you've met Angela. Yeah, that was her at the funeral.

Anyway, I just didn't bring it up then... and later, before Christmas, when you asked about him, I tried really hard to wave you off. I tried to tell you to stay the hell away from him, and I told you the Sarah story.

Well, I didn't see what good it would do to tell you that he had asked me out, if you were so dead set on going after him. Like I told you, he was asking about you too, but... I don't know... I felt like I couldn't stop you, so the best I could do was hang around and try to point out any shit that I saw him pulling. To protect you.

No, I'm getting to it. Promise.

Before I do, there was one more reason I didn't tell you about the pass he made.

Yeah. Exactly. God, how do you do that so fast?

Yeah, but I never admitted that to myself. Not really. I tried to explain it away. I tried to tell myself that it was just lust. Heck, that makes sense, right? I tried to convince myself that I wasn't interested in him, and there were plenty of other fish in the sea. But the thing was, I was fascinated with him, even back in September, maybe before that.

Okay, back to Friday.

When he asked me how I felt, I told him. I told him that I felt lonely. It had been a while since I'd seen anyone, and I was feeling a bit sorry for myself. I said it like I was making fun of myself, but I can see that I was making a play for him. I was baiting him.

I'm so sorry Jana. I really am. I didn't plan it that way, it just happened. I know that doesn't make it okay, but there's a difference between weakness and malice. I did not plan this out.

So, I still didn't think that I was making a play for him, not consciously, but my blood was racing, so a part of me knew it. He responded. I could see it. His eyes flashed, he laughed, and he sat back in the booth. It seemed like he was trying to put more space between us.

He excused himself, got up, and went to men's room. I took a deep breath, and thought about what had just happened. A part of me knew, but a part of me was telling myself that we were just friends, and that friends can joke around.

He came back and abruptly changed the subject. We talked about sports. He asked me about what I was doing with training. I told him not much, and talked about needing to gear up for Nationals in June. It went on like that for a while, until Julia and Ron showed up. Then Jerry and Kris came in.

By the time the food came, we had all stood up and sat down so many times, you know how it is, I was scrunched in between Mark on the inside and Jerry on the outside. Ron was against the wall on the other side, with Julia in the middle across from me, and Kris sitting on her left, across from Jerry.

There was talking and laughing, pretty much like always. I had a drink with my dinner, and was staying quiet. Ron was talking about things at the paper, how his editor was the biggest jack ass in the world... Julia was calling bull shit on half of what he said. Jerry was talking about cut backs at work, and how he wasn't going to be working on Fridays starting in February. Mark and Kris would make comments here and there, and I was mostly quiet.

Tim and Traci showed up, and pulled up a couple of chairs to join us. Traci did her thing and shook hands with everyone. Tim ordered a whisky and some food and checked in with everyone to see what was new. Before we'd even made it around the table, Julia announced that she and Ron needed to go. Ron looked tired, and she was, no doubt, taking care of him.

People rearranged seats, letting Ron and Julia get out. Traci slid all the way in, and Tim sat in the middle, with Kris taking up her position on the end again.

No, I'm not stalling. Well, maybe a little, but do you see what I saw that night.

It started eating at me. All of our friends had someone. Everyone. Tim and Traci, Jerry and Kris... no, I don't think they are going to stick together, but still, I think Ron and Julia will.

Then there I am. Alone. I felt so alone. It's not like my life is hard right? I don't have much reason to complain. But God that night, I just felt so lonely. The idea of going home to my bed, alone, was about the worst thing imaginable.

I was sitting there, and I ordered a second drink, which in hindsight, was a big mistake...

No, I'm not blaming the alcohol. Well... okay, maybe I am, a little. Maybe I want to. No, I didn't get drunk, I just had my two drinks. I wish I could say I was drunk. I was just "warm".

So I have another drink, and I notice that Mark is being really nice to me. He's being attentive. He's not really doing anything improper, but he's handing me things when I want them, that sort of thing. Normally, he's not like that at all, right?

Well, he is for you, but the two of you were a couple, right? I mean, he hadn't been like that for me. Does that make sense?

Okay, where was I? Yeah. He was paying attention to me. I noticed it. I swear to God, Jana, it was like I had been suffocating and suddenly I could breath. It felt so good. It felt too good. I was enjoying it a little too much.

Somewhere in there, I started getting a little confused. What I wanted in general started mixing with what my thoughts about Mark, which I had been squelching, because of you... and the radioactive thing. And it was all motivated by this loneliness that I was feeling.

The attention felt good, and I lost my head.

Do you want me to continue?

Really? Are you sure? Jana, honey, this can't be good for you.

Okay, I'll keep going.

At one point I needed to get up to go to the women's room, so I asked Jerry to let me out. As I was scooting out, I reached back to push myself out, and instead of the back of the seat, my hand rested on Mark's shoulder. He reached out and held my upper arm to help me slide out. Not a big deal, right?

Yeah. That's exactly what it was like. It's like you're always talking about with touch. I was really hungry for some sort of contact, and it was like electricity shooting through me.

I got turned on.

I wish it was only that... it wasn't just lust. I think that I have been harboring something for him for a long time, and going about life lying to myself. I've been telling myself that it's just a meaningless fantasy, but it was more than that.

Before I left the restroom, I finished washing my hands and then splashed some water on my face. I looked in the mirror. I didn't really have any clear thoughts about what these feelings were, they were still jumbled, and I was still lying to myself. It's no big deal. Nothing's wrong.

When I went back out, I considered changing seats. I thought about asking Jerry to scoot in next to Mark, so I could sit on the outside. I was thinking about it when Jerry stood up and motioned me in. I paused there, for a moment, and realized that I didn't want to sit on the outside. I wanted to sit next to Mark.

If I had to tell you when I betrayed you, if there was one moment, I think it might have been right there. I knew something was wrong, in my gut, I knew it. I didn't have the thoughts all worked out, but I still knew. I thought of an alternate plan, I thought of changing seats. I had options, at that point, but I decided that I didn't want to take them. After that, the thoughts started getting more clear.

I've played through the tape of that night so many times in my head. To see where I went wrong. Clearly sleeping with Mark was wrong, but it wasn't like we were standing around on the street like normal and then we suddenly decided to jump into bed together. There was a process and I really wanted to understand it.

You really want to hear all of this?

So be it.

When I sat back down, next to Mark, I looked him in the face. It kind of became a game at that point. I thought of it a bit like playing with fire. Maybe like a bidding game. I kept increasing the bid, to see if he would call me, or if he would fold. I told you that I was lying to myself earlier. I don't know if I would call what I was doing now lying to myself. Now, I was playing a game. I didn't have a clear picture of where they game would end, although I was telling myself that obviously we would never have sex, we couldn't do that.

Yeah, I'm sorry. That had to hurt. I'll wait a second if you want.

Sure, I can wait.

Ready?

Are you sure?

So, I was looking at him. He noticed and looked at me, and I smiled at him. He smiled back, but he was more curious than anything else. I looked back at Traci, who was smiling. You know what a beautiful smile she has. Tim had his arm around her, and while I don't know for sure, I think that Kris and Jerry were playing footsies under the table.

I reached under the table and sat my hand on Mark's leg. I didn't reach for anything, or rub his leg... nothing like that... I just rested it there.

I think he looked over at me, casually, so as not to let everyone else know where my hand was, but I didn't look. I didn't make eye contact with him again for a long time.

The conversation continued and before long he had reached down and grabbed my hand. That led to more electricity, excitement, et cetera, I will skip the details. I am sure you don't want to hear that part.

Tim was having the best time, but Traci had yawned twice, so they took off. It must've been around 9pm. After they left, Jerry swung around and Kris scooted in, so the four of us had the booth to ourselves.

Even though there was more room, I was sitting closer to Mark than ever. Kris was snuggling into Jerry, under his arm. I pulled my legs up onto the seat, and leaned into Mark a bit. Before long, he mimiced Jerry, and put his arm around my shoulders.

The only response I saw from the others, was that I think Kris raised an eyebrow at that point. I wasn't sure if I'd seen it, or if I was imagining it.

So, it was still well before 10pm when they started talking about calling it a night, and we all said our goodbyes. We walked out together, and Jerry and Kris walked off to find her car.

We were standing outside Mac's, in the cold, and Mark turned to look at me. He seemed to be thinking a lot, his face was hard to read, especially in the bad light, but clearly he was curious. I was awful. I totally flirted with him at that point. I hit him with the "challenging look, with head tilted slightly down and to the side, daring him to say something."

It hit him hard, he laughed and looked away. Before he could recover I said, "I want to talk more, will you hang out with me for a while, at my place?"

I was still playing the game. At this point, I was thinking to myself, I'm just flirting, there's nothing wrong with that... I know I know, there is something wrong with that... but I want you to understand, this was a long way down the path. I had been taking little steps the whole time, a little bit here, a little bit there.

I was thinking that there was no possible way that anything would happen, we were just goofing off. And besides, it felt so good. I was so hungry for the attention. I had no idea that it had been building up like that inside me. If I had known that I was going to respond like this, I would've just gone straight home from work.

I was behaving terribly, but it was meeting a need. I was kinda stuck in a trap of my own making.

We went back to my place. We sat on my dumpy old couch. I brought out a couple of glasses of water, and started asking him about his childhood. At first I sat on the opposite end of the couch from him. He talked for a long time. Eventually, I pulled my feet up on the couch, you know how I sit, and then I stretched my legs out toward him, and rested my feet on his lap.

It was a game. A stupid game. I'm sorry.

While he was talking, I started to feel that I really understood him. He talked about himself, and shared some amazing shit with me. I don't know how much he talked to you, but he really opened up that night.

He seemed pretty emotional about some of the stuff he was sharing, and I was being supportive of him. After a while, I spun around and put my head in his lap.

Jana, a part of me wants to say that was bad, and I'm sorry that I did it. But I have to tell you, the game was over. This is the part I didn't want to tell you. This is the part that I've been putting off by telling you the long version of the story.

By the time I did that, I was done playing games. I was really falling for him. It wasn't just an innocent flirt anymore. Now it meant something, and I knew it. A part of me was choosing to continue regardless of the consequences. If you could forgive me for what happened earlier, you might still hate me because of this part.

He told me about how he grew up and was spoiled. He talked about how he had always had anything he wanted, and never got in trouble. He said how he had acted poorly on purpose, hoping that he would get caught. The thing was, eventually he was caught, but even then he got out of it. He was the big sports star. He was on the basketball team. He was the state swimming champ. People would say things like "You know, he's under a lot of pressure. People like that need to blow off steam every now and then."

He talked about how in High School he was becoming this person that he hated. He talked about going to college and how it just grew. He was becoming a monster.

By the time he came back here, to Colorado, he felt invicible. He came up here for his grad work, and that's when I met him. He was a grad student, training in the pool, and he met Sarah, who was the mousy little undergrad.

I don't need to tell you that story again.

He won the bet with his friends. Sarah left school for the rest of the semester. That's when Mark thought about killing himself.

He didn't tell you?

No, I believe him.

Wait, wait, just listen.

Did he tell you about the counseling?

Yeah, it was a secret.

No, I do believe him. He used my laptop and showed me who it was. He pulled up his gmail account. Jana, he had the e-mails. Appointments, all of it. If he was lying to me about it, he has a pretty elaborate script set up just to fool girls.

I saw the e-mail addresses. The dates of the appointments. He showed it all to me. He never tried to kill himself, but he was in therapy for almost a year.

He also showed me the letter that he wrote to Sarah. He laid it all out there to her. He apologized unconditionally. I don't have proof that she got it, or that she read it. He said that he mailed a copy that he had signed, but he also e-mailed it to her. It was in his sent folder.

Jana, by the time we'd been through all of that, we'd both cried a bit. I can't say that I was head over heels at that point, but I had really strong feelings for him.

We chilled out for a bit. It was late, after midnight. I talked some. I talked about my past, growing up here, going to school here. I mentioned some of my previous boyfriends. You know, told him about my stuff.

Somewhere in there, while I was telling him my stuff, I realized that I was going to try. I wanted him. I knew that it would hurt you. I knew that it might end our friendship. Even knowing all of that, I made a decision.

I'm sorry that I did things that caused you pain, but Jana, I love Mark.

If I had to do it all again, now, knowing what I know, I would just stop. I would come to you and talk to you before we did anything. That night, I didn't have that kind of perspective, or self-control.

I don't know when it happened, it's kinda fuzzy now... how it started. I was tired, but I was happier than I'd been in a long time. We were joking, playful banter. It became physical and we started wrestling around.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I can stop there. I know you understand what that means to me.

Slowly boiling an egg. (6)

Shannon felt awful. Her stomach was churning. Her hands were shaking. She got like this when she was really nervous, it wasn't the first time.

She took a couple of deep breaths and knocked gently on the door. She let her breath out all the way, and then slowly drew it back in through her nose. Breathing deliberately helped the shaking a little, but her palms were still sweating.

Just when she was about to knock again, convinced that in her desire to avoid this confrontation she had knocked too quietly to be heard, the door pulled open.

"Oh Shannon." Jana said, her voice full of sympathy. She stepped forward quickly, and pulled Shannon close to her in what was not just a hug, but an embrace. Jana always gave the best hugs.

Shannon felt torn. A part of her felt that she didn't deserve this. Another part of her wanted to enjoy this acceptance and comfort from her best friend. The conflict was distracting, but she managed to put her arms around Jana, though a bit limply.

Jana didn't let go. She just stood there holding Shannon closely, in the doorway of her apartment. Shannon was still distracted by her own thoughts, but started to let go and just accept the affection and support Jana was offering. The all too familiar tears were forming in her eyes.

She felt it before she heard it. Then the sound. Jana was crying too. It wasn't just that Jana was holding her to comfort her, it was that Jana was hurting as well. 'Of course. How could I be so selfish as to think it was all about me?'

Somehow it was easier to comfort Jana than to accept comfort from her, so Shannon went with that. She held Jana more firmly and spoke to her.

"Oh Jana, it's been awful. How are you holding up?"

Jana didn't speak. She stopped crying, and held Shannon for another moment. Then she took a step backward and wiped her eyes, looking embarrassed as she did so. She waved at Shannon to come into the apartment.

Shannon came in and looked around. She had spent a lot of time here. Jana actually had a real job. Jana was a grown up. Shannon had always had a slight case of envy about Jana's life. The funny thing was, it was mutual.

Jana had skated through school, effortlessly. She found a great job right out of college, and was making good money. Jana was smart and funny, even if she did tend to stay at home unless Shannon convinced her to come out with the gang. Jana read all of these amazing books and had this warehouse of knowledge. She had beautiful deep blue eyes and black "Crystal Gayle" hair, even if Jana's version just came down to her lower back.

But everytime Shannon would complain in mock desperation about how Jana was so amazing, Jana would argue back about all of the things that she envied about Shannon. Shannon was such an athlete. She could date any guy in the room, but men never paid attention to Jana (which was utter make-believe on her part, but Jana was convinced it was true). Shannon could talk with anyone, anywhere, but Jana just flubbed up the words whenever she tried. Shannon was tall and could be a model if she wanted. Probably the biggest one was that Shannon did things, Shannon went places, Shannon knew people, and Jana didn't.

Shannon was thinking about their endless discussions of mutual admiration as she walked through the living room to the kitchen. Jana had a large two bedroom apartment, just for herself. She used the second bedroom as an office. Shannon had visited here often, and helped herself to a glass of filtered water from the refrigerator. Then she walked back into the living room and sat in "her" chair... a hanging wicker contraption that looked kind of egg-shaped. There were several cushions in it, and she took a moment to get everything sorted out.

The room was dimly lit. The light from the kitchen was throwing some of it's light this way, but the lamps on the end tables and the overhead fixture were still off. Jana was laying on her side, curled up, on the smaller piece of the overstuffed sectional. The couches were the newest addition to her living room, and dominated the space. It had cost a lot, but she said that considering how much time she spent at home it was a worthy investment.

Shannon was completely unprepared when she was hit with a quick thought. 'I bet they had sex on that.' It hit her out of the blue, and she felt embarrassed to have such a petty thought at a time like this. She tried to bury the thought, and push down the hint of jealousy that it raised. 'If anyone has a right to be jealous right now,' she told herself, 'it's Jana.'

"I looked for you after the funeral service. I was really worried until Bobby told me that you left, and that you were okay."

Jana paused and Shannon nodded and took a sip of water. That was slightly annoying. Bobby didn't know that she was okay. She had just stormed out of the church. It occurred to her that maybe Bobby should have followed her to find out if she was okay, but he hadn't. Maybe he just knew her well enough to be assured.

Shannon remembered when she introduced Mark and Jana. She had serious misgivings about setting them up because of what she knew about Mark's history, but each of them had independantly talked to Shannon about the other. It was like a movie set up. She had told Jana everything she knew about Mark's past, warning her, but it was no use, Jana was fascinated by him. Jana told Shannon 'she could take care of herself.'

Finally Jana started again.

"You didn't call me back on Friday. I figured you probably shut your phone off to be alone." Jana paused before continuing. "Then you didn't call me yesterday. I assumed that you were really hurting," Jana's voice faltered now and she had to take a breath before finishing, "and then things are probably complicated too."

'Oh God,' Shannon thought. 'This sucks so bad. This is why you don't...,' she couldn't finish the thought, and looked down at the floor. There were going to be a lot of tears tonight.

Jana was quiet while Shannon was thinking. The room was silent.

When she left Julia outside of 'Pastries and More' she had no intention of talking with Jana tonight. As she began riding home, a sense of urgency started to take hold of her, in her chest. It grew until she had turned her bike around, and headed down to Jana's place.

"Shannon, I don't want to lose you as a friend." Shannon didn't want to look up, she could hear the emotion in Jana's voice. She took the quickest of glances, despite herself, and even though most of the lights were off, she could still see tears streaming down Jana's face.

Again, quiet. The nervousness was gone. Instead Shannon felt a bit awed by the amount of damage her actions were causing. She had always known it, as an idea... in the back of her head... which is why she had been so nervous. Now she was seeing it in front of her. She stared at the floor.

"Shannon!" Jana yelled. "Talk to me damnit!"

Shannon grabbed the edges of the chair and her eyes leaped up to look at Jana, now sitting up straight. She was startled, shocked. She had seen Jana angry before, yelling about something, but it was usually played for humor. This was aimed at her, and there was no softening humor to save Shannon from this.

"Oh God..." Shannon was completely at a loss for words. "Jana." She felt more tears now. Her nerves were back, all at once.

"Shannon, I'm so angry. I'm so hurt. I don't understand." Jana was sitting up now and shook her head faintly. Her voice was still angry, strong, but she wasn't yelling. If softened a little when she spoke again.

"Shannon, you're my best friend, I don't want to lose you, but I'm so angry at you right now. You hurt me."

It was all Shannon could do to not leave, to run away. She buried her face in her hands and cried.

Shannon tried to get a grip as quickly as she could. She felt that she had to do whatever she could... well, almost... to make things better.

"Jana," Shannon's voice was the one over come by emotion this time. "Jana, listen... I've been... thinking about this for days." Shannon wasn't sure what was going to come out of her mouth. "I don't know what I can say that will help. Everything I think of is just hollow." Her voice started to clear again with that.

Jana's face was set in a somewhat stern visage. Her head was tilted, her lips pressed together, but there was still emotion around her eyes.

"I feel so much shame at my behavior. I wish it had happened differently. I wish I hadn't hurt you. I...," Shannon took a breath in the middle, "... don't even think I can ask you to forgive me."

Shannon paused to do some breathing. Jana had been watching Shannon, but now was staring at the floor.

"I want to stay friends with you too, and I am willing to do a lot to try to make that happen, if it's even possible." Shannon took another breath before saying the next part.

"I'm sorry that I hurt you, and I don't have any excuses for it."

The both sat quietly for a while. Jana got up and walked into the bathroom saying that she would be right back. Shannon got up and grabbed a handful of tissues to stuff in her pocket for later, and a second handful to make use of now. She stopped on her way back to her chair, and looked out the sliding glass door to the balcony.

It was only a second floor apartment, and there wasn't much to look at. The wooden fence that went around the back of the property, enclosed a narrow strip of parking along the building. There were a couple of scragly trees sticking up on the other side of the fence.

Unlike the talk with Julia, where she had a good idea of how it would go, and could compare between her expectations and reality, she really didn't know what this was going to look like. She had never betrayed a friend like this before, and didn't know what to expect. She couldn't compare if it was going well, or poorly, in the grand scheme of things.

'At least she hasn't thrown me out yet, that's something.'

Shannon heard the toilet flush, and sat back down in her chair for round 2.

Jana walked out to the living room, subdued. She looked over at Shannon, but then looked away. That hurt Shannon. Something about the way that she looked at her without an acknowledging smile was terrible.

'Yeah, it's supposed to hurt,' she thought to herself. 'This isn't going to be easy.'

"Jana, there is nothing here that you did wrong. You aren't to blame. It's not your fault. I don't know if you think it is, somehow, but it seemed important that I say that." Shannon felt it easy to say supportive things rather than disclose more about her own feelings, so she tried to take that angle.

Jana nodded. She had gone back to the stern look, watching Shannon from where she was sitting.

Shannon scurried for what to say next. Jana deserved the truth, but Shannon wasn't ready for that yet. 'What do I say in between here and there, to make it easier?' Shannon wondered.

"I'm not blaming myself, but I am worried about you. I was ready to storm over to your place and yell at you after work on Monday." Jana was almost smiling, that seemed to be a good sign. "Then after lunch I got a call about the accident. Jake was one of the paramedics who were first on the scene. As soon as he could, he called a few people to let us know."

Shannon was relieved. It seemed the more Jana would talk, it just gave Shannon more time to think. And maybe Jana would be able to work some of her anger out at the same time. Maybe.

"I was so torn. I wanted to beat down your door to yell at you, and make a scene, and all of it... but I wanted to hold you and comfort you at the same time."

Jana was always physical with her friends. It was something Shannon thought was weird at first. Shannon wasn't into women, not like that, and the way Jana behaved kinda gave her the creeps at first. But as she got to know her, she realized that Jana was passionate and physical, and that was that. It wasn't about sex, not at all... it was just that she was very, very expressive.

Once Shannon was sure about what it meant to Jana, she had grown comfortable with it, at least when she was around Jana. It wasn't just hugs. Jana would hold your hand, sit next to you, or even snuggle on the couch. She always seemed to find a way to break the physical barriers that everyone put up. Jana had read a lot of books on the topic, and felt that a big problem with today's society was that people didn't touch enough, and that there was too much stress and fear around touch.

Shannon had grown to really like that about Jana. It was something that she didn't have with anyone else... not her family, and even some of her boyfriends had been more distant, unless they were making out with her at the time.

"I didn't call you right away, because I wasn't sure what I would say. I was really hurt, and angry, and I wanted to know why it had happened. Mark was no use. I'll give him one thing, he came to me and confessed it right away. That surprised me. I tried to get him to tell me why, and he just said that he thought it was time for him to go, and that he was sorry." Jana shook her head. "If I wasn't so angry at you right now, I would thank you for the warning you gave me about him... you were right."

Jana was looking right at Shannon when she said the last bit. It cut Shannon a couple of ways. She was going "all in" with a guy who just betrayed her best friend. He had told Shannon why, sure, but the thing that kept eating at her was that if you take away his words, and just look at his actions, she was making a big mistake.

Shannon was betting her best friend and a lot of future pain on a guy who not only had a history as a womanizer, but could be malicious about it. The doubts that had been gnawing at her came back.

The thing was, he had changed in front of her eyes. Since Sarah, Mark seemed different. She didn't know every detail of what happened in the two years since then, but since the end of last summer, Shannon had spent quite a bit of time around Mark. They had gotten to be friends, though it took a while, and was quite tentative at first. Mark had made a pass at her, and she had refused, but he handled everything with a lot of maturity, and continued to engage as friends.

Mark had been really good with Jana, until Shannon had messed everything up. Mark's words made sense. Shannon was to blame for what had happened, more than Mark. She was sure of that. Shannon realized that she was trying to reassure herself of her decision with these rationalizations, but she felt that there was a good chance that she was right.

She looked up to see that Jana was looking at the wall. They had both been quiet for a while, each lost in thought.

"Jana, I really don't know if you are going to choose to be in my life after this. You have good reason to just be done with me. Sure, the accident happening when it did added a whole level of complexity to how we are all dealing with the situation, but I don't think it changes the fact that I betrayed you."

Jana looked pained at hearing Shannon's last statement. She was shaking her head again, just barely enough to notice. Shannon thought that she might be wishing it wasn't true, or fighting over conflicting feelings. Shannon chided herself, 'I know what it's like to have conflicting feelings well enough.'

"I'm not going to lie to you, but I don't want to hurt you. I'm in a terrible bind. You are my best friend. I want you to be happy. But I did something that really hurt you, something I should not have done, and I can't fix it... I can't undo it."

Jana was still listening with the same hurt expression on her face. She would look away occasionally, but then return to watch Shannon as she was speaking.

Shannon was about to continue speaking, and realized that she was coming around to spilling the rest of it. Instead she kept quiet.

"Shannon..." Jana started to say something, and then seemed to lose it. She turned her head and thought hard for a moment. "Shannon, I've been blaming Mark for this. I am angry that you were the one that he cheated with, that as much or maybe more than him cheating."

She paused, in thought, and continued when she picked up the trail once again.

"I need to know why. Why did it happen?" Jana seemed to holding back a lot. There was a lot going on in her head that she wasn't saying. Shannon couldn't guess exactly what it was, but she could see it clearly on her face.

Shannon had just told Jana that she was to blame. She didn't even mention Mark's name. Jana didn't want to believe it. 'Okay, well, I guess I can't avoid it any longer.'

"Jana, I don't want to hurt you. If I tell you this, it's going to hurt you. I understand that not telling you will still hurt, but I think it might hurt less. Are you sure you want me to tell you?"

"Either you tell me, or I'm going to ask you to leave." Jana was looking at Shannon very calm, with some tension in her jaw and sadness in her eyes.

"Do you want the long story or the short story?" Shannon was stalling to the last. Any words she could throw in front of the oncoming disclosure were welcome delays to the injury that she felt she would unavoidably deal to Jana.

"Long, I think. The more I know, the more I understand, the more of a chance I have to see your side of things, and get over this."

Shannon wasn't sure it would work that way. Sometimes a longer knife just buried itself deeper in your back. In any case, that was what Shannon wanted too. The long version would mean that she could stall more.

Beating around the bush (5)

Laborious.

Ploding.

Tiresome.

Shannon didn't like the weight room, especially when she was there alone. She preferred to work out in the company of friends. It was a Sunday afternoon and there were no familiar faces.

Everyone in the weight room appeared to be students. Coach should be around somewhere... he never seemed to take a day off. She hadn't seen him yet.

While this place had long felt like her home, each year the feeling was increasingly strained. She wasn't a student and yet she kept coming back to the same place to work out. It seemed as if her life was stuck. She had almost given up the routine, but last year it finally paid off. Getting off the road and onto the track had made all the difference. It was like night and day.

Shannon looked around. She had been lost in thought, grinding out her routine. Time to switch stations. The leg press was open, so she grabbed her towel and walked over to it.

She had always been a good cyclist, she had taken to it immediately as a little girl. She loved the sense of freedom it gave her. She loved the speed. Given her competitive nature, it was completely predictable that she would start racing as soon as she was old enough to enter events.

But even with all of her local successes, she had never really stood out in the road events, not at the national level. Always near the top of the list, but never a win, or even a place. Just enough to keep her chasing the dream.

Sure, she won lots of smaller events, but Nationals had always been the next step, and she just wasn't able to get over the hump out on the road. Last year, switching to the Velodrome, which she had always thought she would hate (how boring, right?), she was re-energized. She took her training more seriously. She was focused. She loved it. She took second at Nationals and looked like she had a serious shot at China.

She paused. Too heavy. She set the safety, and crawled out to change the weight. She was doing this one for range of motion, she didn't want to wear her legs out. The last person left it near the max. She looked around the room, 'Who in here thought that was a good idea?'

Yeah, China hadn't happened. It had been awful, but she was mostly over it now, and focused on 2012. She should have another shot at it then. She wasn't that old... not for cycling. A lot could happen in 3 years though, so her intermediate goal was Nationals again. If she could win that, that would make up for not going to China last year... almost.

"God...", she reached for her towel. She hated sweat running into her eyes. It was a pet peeve of hers. She had never gotten used to it. That's one of the reasons she started wearing goggles when she rode. People gave her hell about that when she was younger. Now most people wore glasses or goggles, or something.

She hadn't been in the gym for over a week. Not in the weight room, not even a pick up game of basketball with the other gym rats. She was still riding every day though, except last Friday.

She didn't like that church, and she didn't like the minister who had presided. That had all been her uncle and her brother. They had organized the funeral, she really hadn't had a say in anything. Sure, they told her, but by the time they called her to let her know, it was already arranged.

Not that she had any better ideas, it was her parent's church... the whole family's really. She had grown up going to it, and that was a big part of why she hated it. One of the only big fights she'd had with her mother (there were too many little ones to keep track of, but they don't count) was when she said that she would never step foot in that church again. And she hadn't.

Until Friday.

Shannon closed her eyes. 'Well, Mom, I guess you win that one.'

Shannon had loved her mother and they had been very close. They would fight, and then 5 minutes later they would cry, and hug, and it was all okay. She had a better relationship with her mother than most of her friends had with theirs. Heck, maybe all of her friends. She really told her mother just about everything... just about.

Her father had always seemed to favor Bobby. Dad was always very protective of Shannon, as was Bobby, which annoyed Shannon sometimes, but other times she was grateful for her older brother.

Shannon and her father never told each other secrets. That had always been the exclusive domain of her mother, and it was an important ritual that helped to bond them together. Mom was the official "Keeper of Secrets" for Shannon. Dad and Bobby would take off, go hunting, spend time together. She and her father never really went anywhere together when it was just the two of them.

He would always make time for her at home, asking her about her homework, offering to help her with it. Shannon knew that he loved her... it just seemed that her Dad had a hard time showing it after a certain age, about when she hit her teens.

Well, for one thing, Shannon had grown as tall as he was. It seemed to Shannon that her height really bothered her father. Another thing that caused tension was that her father was against Shannon participating in sports. He lost that fight, thanks to Mom, but it wasn't until her junior year of High School that he really seemed to come around.

That was when Shannon had started winning.

Time to move stations again. Towel tucked in her waistband, she wandered over to the free weights. One wall of the room was a giant mirror. Well, panels of mirrors. She sat on one of the benches and started going through her usual cycle.

Shannon wanted to ask her father "why". Why he had been against athletics for Shannon and then why he changed his mind. She never asked. She had thought there will be plenty of time for that later.

She set the bar down and grabbed her towel. 'Stupid, damn rabbit trails!' Shannon did not want anyone to see her crying here. You don't cry in the weight room.

"Okay, stop thinking about mom and dad," she mumbled to herself. She picked up the bar and changed to curls.

She tried to force herself to think about her plan. What was she going to do leading up to Nationals this year. How early did she need to really get serious again with her diet... when did she need to cut out the bacon and muffins. She would talk to coach about how to ramp up the conditioning and then ask a couple of people who had offered to help from down at USOC. After her performance last year, she had countless offers of help, and at least a dozen business cards.

'Wouldn't hurt to run my plan by them, see what they say,' Shannon thought. 'If people want to help me, I should let them.'

As she was finishing that thought, she noticed a familiar face in the mirror. That face spotted her right away, and was walking over. She set down the bar and wiped the sweat from her face and arms.

"Shannon!"

Shannon was a little taken aback by Julia's enthusiasm. She came right up to her and bent over, grabbing her in a fierce hug. A little slow, Shannon hugged her back, but felt embarrassed.

"Julia? Are you okay?"

Julia laughed and pulled back to look Shannon in the face.

"I was just about to ask you the same thing." Julia was smiling, but her eyebrows were furrowed with worry.

"Oh God, don't get all mushy in here," Shannon said quietly. "Let's go jog a couple laps and talk if you're going to be all touchy feely."

Julia took the chiding well. She seemed reassured to here the familiar sarcasm in Shannon's voice.

Shannon grabbed her towel and looked around to make sure she wasn't forgetting anything. The two of them walked back past the office, and then left down the hallway away from the locker rooms, and towards the door that led out to the practice stadium.

There were some old metal stands along one side of the oval track. The track had been dirt when Shannon had first come to run here as a girl. By the time she was attending the university it had been replaced by a rubber compound. It was pretty firm, but it was much easier on the knees and ankles.

Shannon hadn't done much running in years, 'That's why God made the bicycle," she would joke. She threw the towel over her shoulder and started out at a strong pace.

Julia followed along, but it was a little too fast for convenient conversation. They ran in silence for a lap and a half. When they were on the far side of the track, away from the gym, Shannon slowed to a walk. She edged over to the seating and stopped.

She dabbed her face with the towel then tossed it on the bottom row of the seats. Then she reached back to grab her right foot, pulling it to stretch out her quad, and then did the same with the left.

Shannon smoothed out the towel on the metal seat and sat on top of it. Julia sat on the same bleacher a couple of feet away.

"How's the bionic knee?"

The scar had healed well, it wasn't as ugly as Shannon had feared after the surgery. She had hated that scar at first, but later realized that she didn't hate the scar so much as she was just angry at missing out at her shot to go to China. Coach had gotten the assist on helping her figure that out.

"It's good. Better than good. It still feels a little different if I move it certain ways, but it doesn't hurt. It feels strong."

Preparing for the surgery, Shannon had learned more than she ever wanted about ACL tears. They are pretty common in sports, even more so among women. She thought it was stupid that a cyclist would get that specific injury.

She had cut a corner too tightly in a meaningless road race. She had hit the curb, and caught her front tire in a storm drain when she tried to correct. The tire seized and she was thrown. She landed on her right foot and hyperextended the knee badly. She never felt the "pop" that a lot of people do with that injury, but she also hit the ground a lot harder than most.

"How are you Shannon?" She was obviously not talking about the knee anymore.

Julia was the one who would ride you if she could tell you were dogging it (she always knew), and would still ride you even when you were pushing, she just wouldn't be quite as mean about it. That had made her a great training partner.

This was different though. Even when they had been roommates, Julia was always focused. She could be friendly, she was really funny when she wanted to be, but she wasn't the one to be overly concerned with a person's feelings.

"It's been tough. I'm hanging in there though." Shannon didn't know how much Julia really wanted to know, so she kept it casual.

"Of course it has. We're all shook up." Julia looked at Shannon as if to emphasize her words. "I looked for you in the lobby after the funeral, but I didn't see you."

Shannon nodded. That had been weird.

"Afterwards, when Bobby and I walked out with everyone else, I just kept walking. I didn't feel like I could stand there and have all those people walk by, talking to me. It was ridiculous. I was mourning the death of my parents and they wanted me to stand there and let everyone parade by and tell me how sorry they all were."

Shannon was getting angry. She had thought the idea was horrible, but Bobby and Uncle Ray thought it would be good for everyone. 'Cathartic' was the word they had used. Shannon didn't think that either of them knew what that word meant. Torturous was what it sounded like.

Julia nodded supportively, remaining quiet while Shannon paused.

"I'm sorry if I'm coming off as rude, I know other people were mourning too, it wasn't just about me... but I just couldn't handle it. I couldn't do it. It wasn't an option." Shannon let go of her anger quickly.

"I get that. It was tough for everyone. Especially you... your brother... and your aunt and uncle. You had other family there I didn't even know, it seemed. It was a lot of people."

Shannon looked over at two dormitories across the road on the far side of the track. Someone was hanging a bedsheet out of the window from the building on the left and it was flapping in the breeze.

"I was just worried about you. That's all." Julia was tilting her head a little as she looked at Shannon. Shannon was not used to seeing this side of Julia at all.

The sun was getting low in the sky and the breeze was starting to bite. It was time to say something if she was going to.

"Julia, there's something else. I want you to hear it from me, rather than get a mixed up story from someone else." Shannon's gut was starting to knot up. If this was hard, how bad was it going to be to tell Jana?

Julia nodded.

"Go ahead, tell me. It's fine."

Shannon wondered if the aliens that had taken over Julia would stay happy when she was through telling her about Mark.

"I'm seeing someone." Shannon decided to break it up into chunks if she could. It was a spur of the moment decision, improvisation motivated by cowardice.

Julia seemed surprised by that. An amused smile jumped up onto her face, and she looked genuinely curious. She didn't say anything, but it looked like she really wanted to.

"The thing is, it's someone you don't like so much. I am afraid you are going to be upset... well... for a couple of reasons." Shannon paused again, trying to give Julia time to adjust to each step. This time Julia didn't stay quiet.

"Shit Shannon, you look really worried. Listen, I've known you for years. I was your roommate for crying out loud. We're pretty close." Julia was sounding like Julia now, which was both reassuring and worrisome. The real Julia would bite Shannon's head off.

"Whatever it is, just tell me. I'm a grown up... and unless you tell me that you slept with my husband, I am not going to disown you." Julia had a forced smile on her face, trying to be supportive, but she was concerned.

Shannon looked down at the wedding band on Julia's finger. It was simple. Her husband had offered to get her anything in the whole store, but Julia had picked a plain gold band. She had told him that it was a symbol, not a piece of jewelry.

"Julia. I really messed up." Shannon, looked away. She focused on the bedsheet, still waving at her from the dormitory.

"Do you remember a week ago Friday, when we were out at Mac's?" Shannon was still trying to stall. Maybe it would be easier if she didn't have to actually say it.... "Do you?"

"Yeah, sure. I remember it. Ron and I left before everyone else, he had gone into work early that morning and was really wiped out. I drove him home." Julia was concerned and getting a little impatient.

"Well, do you remember who I was with that night?"

Shannon felt a bit stupid now... it was the kind of thing she had done back in junior high. Angela, a new friend (later to be best friend), had caught on that Shannon had a crush on a boy. Angela was pestering Shannon at lunch, trying to figure out who the boy was. It was a week before school got out for the summer, and they had their yearbooks out. Shannon made Angela guess, going through the pictures of guys, pointing at them until she got it right. It had only taken Angela three tries.

Julia looked puzzled. Maybe irritated too. She was thinking and shaking her head slightly.

"Nobody. You didn't bring anyone. It was me and Ron, and you, and then Jerry was there with Kris...," Julia looked a little less annoyed as she took a mental roll call of the night. "Mark was there, but Jana wasn't... something about working late. Then the only other people there were Tim and Traci... they were late, and arrived just before Ron and I left. That's it. You were there alone."

Shannon nodded, then looked down. Her voice was quiet. "Who was I sitting next to?"

Julia's eyes stared off into the distance for a moment and then her face went blank. Then her eyebrows shot up, and she looked back at Shannon with a strangely tired expression.

"Oh shit." Julia took a breath. "Please tell me you did some group sex thing with Jerry and Kris." Julia was shaking her head faintly while she was speaking. "I think Kris likes you, you know. You could probably ask them about that, I'm sure Jerry is up for it."

The sarcastic joking was a good sign. Julia wouldn't be doing that if she was really upset... at least that's what Shannon was hoping.

Shannon wasn't sure what to say, so she just sat there for a minute. The wind was really getting cold now.

"Let's go get some coffee, this is going to take a while." Julia stood up and started walking back to the locker room and Shannon followed.

They didn't talk while they walked back to the locker room. Shannon did hop in the shower just long enough to rinse off, so Julia was waiting inside the front door by the time Shannon came out.

"Shannon, just tell me this. Do you know what you are doing?" Julia looked at her seriously.

Shannon didn't respond. She didn't know if she could say that she did, truthfully. She didn't want to admit that she didn't.

"Shit." Julia turned and walked outside. She held the door for Shannon for a moment, and they walked over to the bike racks together.

"'Pastries and More' okay with you?" Julia asked while her fingers were fumbling with the lock. The sky was clear and it was getting cold fast. Shannon noticed it in her fingers too.

"Sure." They rode across campus and took a right on South College. They didn't talk while they were riding.

When they got to the shop they found a couple of seats back in the corner. The place always had music playing a little too loud, so even though there were several students there with their laptops, taking advantage of the free wi-fi, Shannon and Julia were able to talk quietly and keep things mostly to themselves.

They spoke for over an hour. Julia went back and forth between being concerned and being angry. Shannon expected the anger and appreciated the concern. Things were going about how Shannon had thought they would, maybe even a little better.

They ended up with an "agreement to disagree". Julia wasn't convinced that Shannon was behaving in her own best interest, and was fairly sympathetic towards Jana in the whole thing. However, Julia also wasn't going to disown Shannon... although she made no similar promises for Mark.

"You know I've never liked him. I've put up with him hanging out with us because you and Jana wanted him there. Shannon, some people are just bad. They can seem okay for a while, but sooner or later they go back to their nature, and then all hell breaks loose."

"Julia, I think that people can grow. I willing to bet that he has."

"Yeah, but babe, you're going all in."