The Night of January 16th. (7)

It was Friday the 16th, and after work I headed down to Mac's. You told me that you wouldn't be there, but I knew Jerry would be, and he said he was bringing Kris again. Traci said that she would try to stop by, but she would probably be late. She didn't think Tim would be coming, although, in the end, he was there. I was hoping that Julia would show up, and she did.

Anyway, I punched out, and rode over. I was the first one there, so I got one of the big booths on the side, and told them we might need a couple extra chairs. I was starving because I'd skipped lunch. I ordered half a sandwich, figuring I would eat that now, and have something later with everyone else.

I sat there and started feeling really sorry for myself. It had been a long time since I'd had a boyfriend, and to tell the embarrassing truth, I was wallowing in it a bit. There was some intensity to those feelings, both physically and emotionally.

That's when Mark showed up. He saw me, walked over to the booth and sat across from me. He started talking to me, just small talk, and he noticed that I was in a mood. He asked me how I felt.

This isn't going to be pleasant. Let me tell you this part before I continue the story.

You know what I like in guys. You know the guys that I find physically attractive. Mark is all of that.

Yeah.

Well, for a long time, I've treated him like he was radioactive. I just told myself that he was damaged goods, and that no matter how much I might like to admire from afar, I couldn't get close.

God, you're not going to like this.

I never told you, but he asked me out last September. I said no, reflexively, because he was radioactive. But, a part of me wondered. A part of me was interested.

Well, because... I... I don't know why I didn't tell you. At first I didn't tell you because he was damaged goods. You didn't know Sarah, though you've met Angela. Yeah, that was her at the funeral.

Anyway, I just didn't bring it up then... and later, before Christmas, when you asked about him, I tried really hard to wave you off. I tried to tell you to stay the hell away from him, and I told you the Sarah story.

Well, I didn't see what good it would do to tell you that he had asked me out, if you were so dead set on going after him. Like I told you, he was asking about you too, but... I don't know... I felt like I couldn't stop you, so the best I could do was hang around and try to point out any shit that I saw him pulling. To protect you.

No, I'm getting to it. Promise.

Before I do, there was one more reason I didn't tell you about the pass he made.

Yeah. Exactly. God, how do you do that so fast?

Yeah, but I never admitted that to myself. Not really. I tried to explain it away. I tried to tell myself that it was just lust. Heck, that makes sense, right? I tried to convince myself that I wasn't interested in him, and there were plenty of other fish in the sea. But the thing was, I was fascinated with him, even back in September, maybe before that.

Okay, back to Friday.

When he asked me how I felt, I told him. I told him that I felt lonely. It had been a while since I'd seen anyone, and I was feeling a bit sorry for myself. I said it like I was making fun of myself, but I can see that I was making a play for him. I was baiting him.

I'm so sorry Jana. I really am. I didn't plan it that way, it just happened. I know that doesn't make it okay, but there's a difference between weakness and malice. I did not plan this out.

So, I still didn't think that I was making a play for him, not consciously, but my blood was racing, so a part of me knew it. He responded. I could see it. His eyes flashed, he laughed, and he sat back in the booth. It seemed like he was trying to put more space between us.

He excused himself, got up, and went to men's room. I took a deep breath, and thought about what had just happened. A part of me knew, but a part of me was telling myself that we were just friends, and that friends can joke around.

He came back and abruptly changed the subject. We talked about sports. He asked me about what I was doing with training. I told him not much, and talked about needing to gear up for Nationals in June. It went on like that for a while, until Julia and Ron showed up. Then Jerry and Kris came in.

By the time the food came, we had all stood up and sat down so many times, you know how it is, I was scrunched in between Mark on the inside and Jerry on the outside. Ron was against the wall on the other side, with Julia in the middle across from me, and Kris sitting on her left, across from Jerry.

There was talking and laughing, pretty much like always. I had a drink with my dinner, and was staying quiet. Ron was talking about things at the paper, how his editor was the biggest jack ass in the world... Julia was calling bull shit on half of what he said. Jerry was talking about cut backs at work, and how he wasn't going to be working on Fridays starting in February. Mark and Kris would make comments here and there, and I was mostly quiet.

Tim and Traci showed up, and pulled up a couple of chairs to join us. Traci did her thing and shook hands with everyone. Tim ordered a whisky and some food and checked in with everyone to see what was new. Before we'd even made it around the table, Julia announced that she and Ron needed to go. Ron looked tired, and she was, no doubt, taking care of him.

People rearranged seats, letting Ron and Julia get out. Traci slid all the way in, and Tim sat in the middle, with Kris taking up her position on the end again.

No, I'm not stalling. Well, maybe a little, but do you see what I saw that night.

It started eating at me. All of our friends had someone. Everyone. Tim and Traci, Jerry and Kris... no, I don't think they are going to stick together, but still, I think Ron and Julia will.

Then there I am. Alone. I felt so alone. It's not like my life is hard right? I don't have much reason to complain. But God that night, I just felt so lonely. The idea of going home to my bed, alone, was about the worst thing imaginable.

I was sitting there, and I ordered a second drink, which in hindsight, was a big mistake...

No, I'm not blaming the alcohol. Well... okay, maybe I am, a little. Maybe I want to. No, I didn't get drunk, I just had my two drinks. I wish I could say I was drunk. I was just "warm".

So I have another drink, and I notice that Mark is being really nice to me. He's being attentive. He's not really doing anything improper, but he's handing me things when I want them, that sort of thing. Normally, he's not like that at all, right?

Well, he is for you, but the two of you were a couple, right? I mean, he hadn't been like that for me. Does that make sense?

Okay, where was I? Yeah. He was paying attention to me. I noticed it. I swear to God, Jana, it was like I had been suffocating and suddenly I could breath. It felt so good. It felt too good. I was enjoying it a little too much.

Somewhere in there, I started getting a little confused. What I wanted in general started mixing with what my thoughts about Mark, which I had been squelching, because of you... and the radioactive thing. And it was all motivated by this loneliness that I was feeling.

The attention felt good, and I lost my head.

Do you want me to continue?

Really? Are you sure? Jana, honey, this can't be good for you.

Okay, I'll keep going.

At one point I needed to get up to go to the women's room, so I asked Jerry to let me out. As I was scooting out, I reached back to push myself out, and instead of the back of the seat, my hand rested on Mark's shoulder. He reached out and held my upper arm to help me slide out. Not a big deal, right?

Yeah. That's exactly what it was like. It's like you're always talking about with touch. I was really hungry for some sort of contact, and it was like electricity shooting through me.

I got turned on.

I wish it was only that... it wasn't just lust. I think that I have been harboring something for him for a long time, and going about life lying to myself. I've been telling myself that it's just a meaningless fantasy, but it was more than that.

Before I left the restroom, I finished washing my hands and then splashed some water on my face. I looked in the mirror. I didn't really have any clear thoughts about what these feelings were, they were still jumbled, and I was still lying to myself. It's no big deal. Nothing's wrong.

When I went back out, I considered changing seats. I thought about asking Jerry to scoot in next to Mark, so I could sit on the outside. I was thinking about it when Jerry stood up and motioned me in. I paused there, for a moment, and realized that I didn't want to sit on the outside. I wanted to sit next to Mark.

If I had to tell you when I betrayed you, if there was one moment, I think it might have been right there. I knew something was wrong, in my gut, I knew it. I didn't have the thoughts all worked out, but I still knew. I thought of an alternate plan, I thought of changing seats. I had options, at that point, but I decided that I didn't want to take them. After that, the thoughts started getting more clear.

I've played through the tape of that night so many times in my head. To see where I went wrong. Clearly sleeping with Mark was wrong, but it wasn't like we were standing around on the street like normal and then we suddenly decided to jump into bed together. There was a process and I really wanted to understand it.

You really want to hear all of this?

So be it.

When I sat back down, next to Mark, I looked him in the face. It kind of became a game at that point. I thought of it a bit like playing with fire. Maybe like a bidding game. I kept increasing the bid, to see if he would call me, or if he would fold. I told you that I was lying to myself earlier. I don't know if I would call what I was doing now lying to myself. Now, I was playing a game. I didn't have a clear picture of where they game would end, although I was telling myself that obviously we would never have sex, we couldn't do that.

Yeah, I'm sorry. That had to hurt. I'll wait a second if you want.

Sure, I can wait.

Ready?

Are you sure?

So, I was looking at him. He noticed and looked at me, and I smiled at him. He smiled back, but he was more curious than anything else. I looked back at Traci, who was smiling. You know what a beautiful smile she has. Tim had his arm around her, and while I don't know for sure, I think that Kris and Jerry were playing footsies under the table.

I reached under the table and sat my hand on Mark's leg. I didn't reach for anything, or rub his leg... nothing like that... I just rested it there.

I think he looked over at me, casually, so as not to let everyone else know where my hand was, but I didn't look. I didn't make eye contact with him again for a long time.

The conversation continued and before long he had reached down and grabbed my hand. That led to more electricity, excitement, et cetera, I will skip the details. I am sure you don't want to hear that part.

Tim was having the best time, but Traci had yawned twice, so they took off. It must've been around 9pm. After they left, Jerry swung around and Kris scooted in, so the four of us had the booth to ourselves.

Even though there was more room, I was sitting closer to Mark than ever. Kris was snuggling into Jerry, under his arm. I pulled my legs up onto the seat, and leaned into Mark a bit. Before long, he mimiced Jerry, and put his arm around my shoulders.

The only response I saw from the others, was that I think Kris raised an eyebrow at that point. I wasn't sure if I'd seen it, or if I was imagining it.

So, it was still well before 10pm when they started talking about calling it a night, and we all said our goodbyes. We walked out together, and Jerry and Kris walked off to find her car.

We were standing outside Mac's, in the cold, and Mark turned to look at me. He seemed to be thinking a lot, his face was hard to read, especially in the bad light, but clearly he was curious. I was awful. I totally flirted with him at that point. I hit him with the "challenging look, with head tilted slightly down and to the side, daring him to say something."

It hit him hard, he laughed and looked away. Before he could recover I said, "I want to talk more, will you hang out with me for a while, at my place?"

I was still playing the game. At this point, I was thinking to myself, I'm just flirting, there's nothing wrong with that... I know I know, there is something wrong with that... but I want you to understand, this was a long way down the path. I had been taking little steps the whole time, a little bit here, a little bit there.

I was thinking that there was no possible way that anything would happen, we were just goofing off. And besides, it felt so good. I was so hungry for the attention. I had no idea that it had been building up like that inside me. If I had known that I was going to respond like this, I would've just gone straight home from work.

I was behaving terribly, but it was meeting a need. I was kinda stuck in a trap of my own making.

We went back to my place. We sat on my dumpy old couch. I brought out a couple of glasses of water, and started asking him about his childhood. At first I sat on the opposite end of the couch from him. He talked for a long time. Eventually, I pulled my feet up on the couch, you know how I sit, and then I stretched my legs out toward him, and rested my feet on his lap.

It was a game. A stupid game. I'm sorry.

While he was talking, I started to feel that I really understood him. He talked about himself, and shared some amazing shit with me. I don't know how much he talked to you, but he really opened up that night.

He seemed pretty emotional about some of the stuff he was sharing, and I was being supportive of him. After a while, I spun around and put my head in his lap.

Jana, a part of me wants to say that was bad, and I'm sorry that I did it. But I have to tell you, the game was over. This is the part I didn't want to tell you. This is the part that I've been putting off by telling you the long version of the story.

By the time I did that, I was done playing games. I was really falling for him. It wasn't just an innocent flirt anymore. Now it meant something, and I knew it. A part of me was choosing to continue regardless of the consequences. If you could forgive me for what happened earlier, you might still hate me because of this part.

He told me about how he grew up and was spoiled. He talked about how he had always had anything he wanted, and never got in trouble. He said how he had acted poorly on purpose, hoping that he would get caught. The thing was, eventually he was caught, but even then he got out of it. He was the big sports star. He was on the basketball team. He was the state swimming champ. People would say things like "You know, he's under a lot of pressure. People like that need to blow off steam every now and then."

He talked about how in High School he was becoming this person that he hated. He talked about going to college and how it just grew. He was becoming a monster.

By the time he came back here, to Colorado, he felt invicible. He came up here for his grad work, and that's when I met him. He was a grad student, training in the pool, and he met Sarah, who was the mousy little undergrad.

I don't need to tell you that story again.

He won the bet with his friends. Sarah left school for the rest of the semester. That's when Mark thought about killing himself.

He didn't tell you?

No, I believe him.

Wait, wait, just listen.

Did he tell you about the counseling?

Yeah, it was a secret.

No, I do believe him. He used my laptop and showed me who it was. He pulled up his gmail account. Jana, he had the e-mails. Appointments, all of it. If he was lying to me about it, he has a pretty elaborate script set up just to fool girls.

I saw the e-mail addresses. The dates of the appointments. He showed it all to me. He never tried to kill himself, but he was in therapy for almost a year.

He also showed me the letter that he wrote to Sarah. He laid it all out there to her. He apologized unconditionally. I don't have proof that she got it, or that she read it. He said that he mailed a copy that he had signed, but he also e-mailed it to her. It was in his sent folder.

Jana, by the time we'd been through all of that, we'd both cried a bit. I can't say that I was head over heels at that point, but I had really strong feelings for him.

We chilled out for a bit. It was late, after midnight. I talked some. I talked about my past, growing up here, going to school here. I mentioned some of my previous boyfriends. You know, told him about my stuff.

Somewhere in there, while I was telling him my stuff, I realized that I was going to try. I wanted him. I knew that it would hurt you. I knew that it might end our friendship. Even knowing all of that, I made a decision.

I'm sorry that I did things that caused you pain, but Jana, I love Mark.

If I had to do it all again, now, knowing what I know, I would just stop. I would come to you and talk to you before we did anything. That night, I didn't have that kind of perspective, or self-control.

I don't know when it happened, it's kinda fuzzy now... how it started. I was tired, but I was happier than I'd been in a long time. We were joking, playful banter. It became physical and we started wrestling around.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I can stop there. I know you understand what that means to me.