Silence.
Shannon still couldn't tell what the results of all of this was going to be.
Patience.
She had the urge to talk, to fill up the silence with something, anything. Maybe she could ask questions, and pull the information out of her. No, that would probably be annoying.
"You really love him?"
Shannon took in a breath and let it out.
"Yes." She tried to stay quiet, but she had to say more. "I'm not saying that I have it all worked out, not at all."
Jana held up her hand. Shannon wasn't done, but she decided that the least she could do was let Jana control the pace of the discussion. She owed her that, and more.
"And you think he loves you, because he showed you some e-mails?" Jana's voice had a little bite to it this time.
Shannon felt like jabbing back, 'well, did he ever show them to you?' But she didn't dare. The last thing she wanted to do right now was cause Jana more pain.
"I do. Because of that and more." Shannon had figured out that she should keep her comments short. This appeared to be the 'question and answer' portion of the evening.
Jana shook her head. The internal dialogue was still going on hot and heavy. Still no sign of what it was that she was thinking. Probably trying to find more questions to ask, Shannon guessed.
"Do you think he ever loved me?"
This question sounded dangerously loaded. Shannon really didn't want this to start being about Mark and Jana.
"What did he tell you?" Shannon tried to avoid the issue by stepping out of the way.
"No, I know what he told me. But you seem to know a lot more about him than I do... so as long as you are showing off all of this fabulous knowledge, I thought I'd ask you." Jana was in a rage that had been difficult to detect at first, but now was obvious. Shannon was actually a little scared. Not so much physically, but the intensity in Jana's voice was powerful.
"I would normally never tell you what he told me about you, without his permission, but I guess I owe you that." Shannon considered what to say, how, and in what order.
"He told me that he felt horrible that he hurt you by cheating on you. He told me that he cared enough about you to face you, with no lies, and let you yell at him." Shannon thought some more.
"He never told me that he loved you, but, if you take those things together, he certainly had a lot of affection for you, maybe that is love. I guess it depends on where you draw the line."
Jana took a breath, and then fired away again.
"Did he tell you that he loved you?"
This felt, to Shannon, like a preparation for an attack. She wasn't sure how, or why, but it felt like an invitation for her to put her head in the lion's mouth.
Oh well, she had walked into the lion's den already, and she knew the lion was pissed... what did she expect?
"Yes, he did."
Jana closed her eyes. Shannon was sure that Jana was probably still angry, but that look was pain. Shannon had gotten a lot of stuff out of her system, and besides the fear that she was experiencing now, she was doing pretty well. She had just gone through her confession, and while she knew her sins were not yet forgiven, it was a relief to have them off her chest.
"Let me make sure I got this right." Jana had opened her eyes, and now had a rather blank look on her face.
"You were dishonest with me about harboring feelings for a guy who you set me up with. You got lonely one night, when I wasn't around, and you decided to play a game. This game was a seduction game, where you tried to get a guy who is known to cheat on women to go farther and farther with you. You were in denial that it could end up with the two of you in bed, when that would've been an obvious expectation to a neutral observer. Then, finally, after taking him back to your place, you realized you weren't really sorry any more, and had a good romp in the hay once you convinced him to trade up... not that it was that difficult."
Jana was still looking at Shannon with a minimum of emotion on her face.
"Is that about it? Did I hit the highlights?"
Silence.
"Do you want me to leave now?"
Shannon wanted to escape. It now appeared hopeless.
"Yes. I do."
Shannon stood up and walked towards the door. She heard Jana following her.
When she was outside, she turned around. Jana was standing in the door. Her face was still calm. Her eyes were moist, but that was the only hint of emotion.
"At least Mark came and apologized to me on Saturday." Jana turned her head when she spoke, but made no other movement.
"I didn't know what to tell you. I'm sorry. I didn't know what I wanted, or what I was going to say. I needed time to figure it all out." Shannon felt a little desperate.
"You hurt me worse than Mark. But you knew that already, didn't you." Jana started to close the door.
"I'm sorry." Shannon held out her hand, but didn't try to touch the door.
"Good night, Shannon."
She heard the door click shut, and the lock turn.
"Damnit," Shannon whispered.
She turned and walked down the hall to the end, and then down the stairwell. The stairwell wasn't heated, so the cold outside wasn't as shocking when she stepped out into the night. She walked over to where she had locked up her bike, angry that she hadn't gone home to grab a coat heavier than the wind breaker she had taken with her to the gym.
She grabbed her phone and chose Mark's name from the list.
"Hey."
"Hey."
"What's up?"
"I just talked with Jana."
Silence.
"It didn't go well."
"Oh."
Silence.
"What are you going to do now?"
"Well, I was calling to see what you were up to. I know it's late."
"Nothing. Just watching the news."
"Can I come over?"
"If you are up to it. I'd like that a lot."
"Can I spend the night?"
"Shannon, you can spend the night any time you want. You don't need to ask."
"Okay, thanks. It's freezing out here, I'm going to ride over. See you soon."
"I'll have some hot chocolate waiting for you."
"That sounds nice. Bye."
"Bye."
Sunday, February 22, 2009
The Night of January 16th. (7)
It was Friday the 16th, and after work I headed down to Mac's. You told me that you wouldn't be there, but I knew Jerry would be, and he said he was bringing Kris again. Traci said that she would try to stop by, but she would probably be late. She didn't think Tim would be coming, although, in the end, he was there. I was hoping that Julia would show up, and she did.
Anyway, I punched out, and rode over. I was the first one there, so I got one of the big booths on the side, and told them we might need a couple extra chairs. I was starving because I'd skipped lunch. I ordered half a sandwich, figuring I would eat that now, and have something later with everyone else.
I sat there and started feeling really sorry for myself. It had been a long time since I'd had a boyfriend, and to tell the embarrassing truth, I was wallowing in it a bit. There was some intensity to those feelings, both physically and emotionally.
That's when Mark showed up. He saw me, walked over to the booth and sat across from me. He started talking to me, just small talk, and he noticed that I was in a mood. He asked me how I felt.
This isn't going to be pleasant. Let me tell you this part before I continue the story.
You know what I like in guys. You know the guys that I find physically attractive. Mark is all of that.
Yeah.
Well, for a long time, I've treated him like he was radioactive. I just told myself that he was damaged goods, and that no matter how much I might like to admire from afar, I couldn't get close.
God, you're not going to like this.
I never told you, but he asked me out last September. I said no, reflexively, because he was radioactive. But, a part of me wondered. A part of me was interested.
Well, because... I... I don't know why I didn't tell you. At first I didn't tell you because he was damaged goods. You didn't know Sarah, though you've met Angela. Yeah, that was her at the funeral.
Anyway, I just didn't bring it up then... and later, before Christmas, when you asked about him, I tried really hard to wave you off. I tried to tell you to stay the hell away from him, and I told you the Sarah story.
Well, I didn't see what good it would do to tell you that he had asked me out, if you were so dead set on going after him. Like I told you, he was asking about you too, but... I don't know... I felt like I couldn't stop you, so the best I could do was hang around and try to point out any shit that I saw him pulling. To protect you.
No, I'm getting to it. Promise.
Before I do, there was one more reason I didn't tell you about the pass he made.
Yeah. Exactly. God, how do you do that so fast?
Yeah, but I never admitted that to myself. Not really. I tried to explain it away. I tried to tell myself that it was just lust. Heck, that makes sense, right? I tried to convince myself that I wasn't interested in him, and there were plenty of other fish in the sea. But the thing was, I was fascinated with him, even back in September, maybe before that.
Okay, back to Friday.
When he asked me how I felt, I told him. I told him that I felt lonely. It had been a while since I'd seen anyone, and I was feeling a bit sorry for myself. I said it like I was making fun of myself, but I can see that I was making a play for him. I was baiting him.
I'm so sorry Jana. I really am. I didn't plan it that way, it just happened. I know that doesn't make it okay, but there's a difference between weakness and malice. I did not plan this out.
So, I still didn't think that I was making a play for him, not consciously, but my blood was racing, so a part of me knew it. He responded. I could see it. His eyes flashed, he laughed, and he sat back in the booth. It seemed like he was trying to put more space between us.
He excused himself, got up, and went to men's room. I took a deep breath, and thought about what had just happened. A part of me knew, but a part of me was telling myself that we were just friends, and that friends can joke around.
He came back and abruptly changed the subject. We talked about sports. He asked me about what I was doing with training. I told him not much, and talked about needing to gear up for Nationals in June. It went on like that for a while, until Julia and Ron showed up. Then Jerry and Kris came in.
By the time the food came, we had all stood up and sat down so many times, you know how it is, I was scrunched in between Mark on the inside and Jerry on the outside. Ron was against the wall on the other side, with Julia in the middle across from me, and Kris sitting on her left, across from Jerry.
There was talking and laughing, pretty much like always. I had a drink with my dinner, and was staying quiet. Ron was talking about things at the paper, how his editor was the biggest jack ass in the world... Julia was calling bull shit on half of what he said. Jerry was talking about cut backs at work, and how he wasn't going to be working on Fridays starting in February. Mark and Kris would make comments here and there, and I was mostly quiet.
Tim and Traci showed up, and pulled up a couple of chairs to join us. Traci did her thing and shook hands with everyone. Tim ordered a whisky and some food and checked in with everyone to see what was new. Before we'd even made it around the table, Julia announced that she and Ron needed to go. Ron looked tired, and she was, no doubt, taking care of him.
People rearranged seats, letting Ron and Julia get out. Traci slid all the way in, and Tim sat in the middle, with Kris taking up her position on the end again.
No, I'm not stalling. Well, maybe a little, but do you see what I saw that night.
It started eating at me. All of our friends had someone. Everyone. Tim and Traci, Jerry and Kris... no, I don't think they are going to stick together, but still, I think Ron and Julia will.
Then there I am. Alone. I felt so alone. It's not like my life is hard right? I don't have much reason to complain. But God that night, I just felt so lonely. The idea of going home to my bed, alone, was about the worst thing imaginable.
I was sitting there, and I ordered a second drink, which in hindsight, was a big mistake...
No, I'm not blaming the alcohol. Well... okay, maybe I am, a little. Maybe I want to. No, I didn't get drunk, I just had my two drinks. I wish I could say I was drunk. I was just "warm".
So I have another drink, and I notice that Mark is being really nice to me. He's being attentive. He's not really doing anything improper, but he's handing me things when I want them, that sort of thing. Normally, he's not like that at all, right?
Well, he is for you, but the two of you were a couple, right? I mean, he hadn't been like that for me. Does that make sense?
Okay, where was I? Yeah. He was paying attention to me. I noticed it. I swear to God, Jana, it was like I had been suffocating and suddenly I could breath. It felt so good. It felt too good. I was enjoying it a little too much.
Somewhere in there, I started getting a little confused. What I wanted in general started mixing with what my thoughts about Mark, which I had been squelching, because of you... and the radioactive thing. And it was all motivated by this loneliness that I was feeling.
The attention felt good, and I lost my head.
Do you want me to continue?
Really? Are you sure? Jana, honey, this can't be good for you.
Okay, I'll keep going.
At one point I needed to get up to go to the women's room, so I asked Jerry to let me out. As I was scooting out, I reached back to push myself out, and instead of the back of the seat, my hand rested on Mark's shoulder. He reached out and held my upper arm to help me slide out. Not a big deal, right?
Yeah. That's exactly what it was like. It's like you're always talking about with touch. I was really hungry for some sort of contact, and it was like electricity shooting through me.
I got turned on.
I wish it was only that... it wasn't just lust. I think that I have been harboring something for him for a long time, and going about life lying to myself. I've been telling myself that it's just a meaningless fantasy, but it was more than that.
Before I left the restroom, I finished washing my hands and then splashed some water on my face. I looked in the mirror. I didn't really have any clear thoughts about what these feelings were, they were still jumbled, and I was still lying to myself. It's no big deal. Nothing's wrong.
When I went back out, I considered changing seats. I thought about asking Jerry to scoot in next to Mark, so I could sit on the outside. I was thinking about it when Jerry stood up and motioned me in. I paused there, for a moment, and realized that I didn't want to sit on the outside. I wanted to sit next to Mark.
If I had to tell you when I betrayed you, if there was one moment, I think it might have been right there. I knew something was wrong, in my gut, I knew it. I didn't have the thoughts all worked out, but I still knew. I thought of an alternate plan, I thought of changing seats. I had options, at that point, but I decided that I didn't want to take them. After that, the thoughts started getting more clear.
I've played through the tape of that night so many times in my head. To see where I went wrong. Clearly sleeping with Mark was wrong, but it wasn't like we were standing around on the street like normal and then we suddenly decided to jump into bed together. There was a process and I really wanted to understand it.
You really want to hear all of this?
So be it.
When I sat back down, next to Mark, I looked him in the face. It kind of became a game at that point. I thought of it a bit like playing with fire. Maybe like a bidding game. I kept increasing the bid, to see if he would call me, or if he would fold. I told you that I was lying to myself earlier. I don't know if I would call what I was doing now lying to myself. Now, I was playing a game. I didn't have a clear picture of where they game would end, although I was telling myself that obviously we would never have sex, we couldn't do that.
Yeah, I'm sorry. That had to hurt. I'll wait a second if you want.
Sure, I can wait.
Ready?
Are you sure?
So, I was looking at him. He noticed and looked at me, and I smiled at him. He smiled back, but he was more curious than anything else. I looked back at Traci, who was smiling. You know what a beautiful smile she has. Tim had his arm around her, and while I don't know for sure, I think that Kris and Jerry were playing footsies under the table.
I reached under the table and sat my hand on Mark's leg. I didn't reach for anything, or rub his leg... nothing like that... I just rested it there.
I think he looked over at me, casually, so as not to let everyone else know where my hand was, but I didn't look. I didn't make eye contact with him again for a long time.
The conversation continued and before long he had reached down and grabbed my hand. That led to more electricity, excitement, et cetera, I will skip the details. I am sure you don't want to hear that part.
Tim was having the best time, but Traci had yawned twice, so they took off. It must've been around 9pm. After they left, Jerry swung around and Kris scooted in, so the four of us had the booth to ourselves.
Even though there was more room, I was sitting closer to Mark than ever. Kris was snuggling into Jerry, under his arm. I pulled my legs up onto the seat, and leaned into Mark a bit. Before long, he mimiced Jerry, and put his arm around my shoulders.
The only response I saw from the others, was that I think Kris raised an eyebrow at that point. I wasn't sure if I'd seen it, or if I was imagining it.
So, it was still well before 10pm when they started talking about calling it a night, and we all said our goodbyes. We walked out together, and Jerry and Kris walked off to find her car.
We were standing outside Mac's, in the cold, and Mark turned to look at me. He seemed to be thinking a lot, his face was hard to read, especially in the bad light, but clearly he was curious. I was awful. I totally flirted with him at that point. I hit him with the "challenging look, with head tilted slightly down and to the side, daring him to say something."
It hit him hard, he laughed and looked away. Before he could recover I said, "I want to talk more, will you hang out with me for a while, at my place?"
I was still playing the game. At this point, I was thinking to myself, I'm just flirting, there's nothing wrong with that... I know I know, there is something wrong with that... but I want you to understand, this was a long way down the path. I had been taking little steps the whole time, a little bit here, a little bit there.
I was thinking that there was no possible way that anything would happen, we were just goofing off. And besides, it felt so good. I was so hungry for the attention. I had no idea that it had been building up like that inside me. If I had known that I was going to respond like this, I would've just gone straight home from work.
I was behaving terribly, but it was meeting a need. I was kinda stuck in a trap of my own making.
We went back to my place. We sat on my dumpy old couch. I brought out a couple of glasses of water, and started asking him about his childhood. At first I sat on the opposite end of the couch from him. He talked for a long time. Eventually, I pulled my feet up on the couch, you know how I sit, and then I stretched my legs out toward him, and rested my feet on his lap.
It was a game. A stupid game. I'm sorry.
While he was talking, I started to feel that I really understood him. He talked about himself, and shared some amazing shit with me. I don't know how much he talked to you, but he really opened up that night.
He seemed pretty emotional about some of the stuff he was sharing, and I was being supportive of him. After a while, I spun around and put my head in his lap.
Jana, a part of me wants to say that was bad, and I'm sorry that I did it. But I have to tell you, the game was over. This is the part I didn't want to tell you. This is the part that I've been putting off by telling you the long version of the story.
By the time I did that, I was done playing games. I was really falling for him. It wasn't just an innocent flirt anymore. Now it meant something, and I knew it. A part of me was choosing to continue regardless of the consequences. If you could forgive me for what happened earlier, you might still hate me because of this part.
He told me about how he grew up and was spoiled. He talked about how he had always had anything he wanted, and never got in trouble. He said how he had acted poorly on purpose, hoping that he would get caught. The thing was, eventually he was caught, but even then he got out of it. He was the big sports star. He was on the basketball team. He was the state swimming champ. People would say things like "You know, he's under a lot of pressure. People like that need to blow off steam every now and then."
He talked about how in High School he was becoming this person that he hated. He talked about going to college and how it just grew. He was becoming a monster.
By the time he came back here, to Colorado, he felt invicible. He came up here for his grad work, and that's when I met him. He was a grad student, training in the pool, and he met Sarah, who was the mousy little undergrad.
I don't need to tell you that story again.
He won the bet with his friends. Sarah left school for the rest of the semester. That's when Mark thought about killing himself.
He didn't tell you?
No, I believe him.
Wait, wait, just listen.
Did he tell you about the counseling?
Yeah, it was a secret.
No, I do believe him. He used my laptop and showed me who it was. He pulled up his gmail account. Jana, he had the e-mails. Appointments, all of it. If he was lying to me about it, he has a pretty elaborate script set up just to fool girls.
I saw the e-mail addresses. The dates of the appointments. He showed it all to me. He never tried to kill himself, but he was in therapy for almost a year.
He also showed me the letter that he wrote to Sarah. He laid it all out there to her. He apologized unconditionally. I don't have proof that she got it, or that she read it. He said that he mailed a copy that he had signed, but he also e-mailed it to her. It was in his sent folder.
Jana, by the time we'd been through all of that, we'd both cried a bit. I can't say that I was head over heels at that point, but I had really strong feelings for him.
We chilled out for a bit. It was late, after midnight. I talked some. I talked about my past, growing up here, going to school here. I mentioned some of my previous boyfriends. You know, told him about my stuff.
Somewhere in there, while I was telling him my stuff, I realized that I was going to try. I wanted him. I knew that it would hurt you. I knew that it might end our friendship. Even knowing all of that, I made a decision.
I'm sorry that I did things that caused you pain, but Jana, I love Mark.
If I had to do it all again, now, knowing what I know, I would just stop. I would come to you and talk to you before we did anything. That night, I didn't have that kind of perspective, or self-control.
I don't know when it happened, it's kinda fuzzy now... how it started. I was tired, but I was happier than I'd been in a long time. We were joking, playful banter. It became physical and we started wrestling around.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I can stop there. I know you understand what that means to me.
Anyway, I punched out, and rode over. I was the first one there, so I got one of the big booths on the side, and told them we might need a couple extra chairs. I was starving because I'd skipped lunch. I ordered half a sandwich, figuring I would eat that now, and have something later with everyone else.
I sat there and started feeling really sorry for myself. It had been a long time since I'd had a boyfriend, and to tell the embarrassing truth, I was wallowing in it a bit. There was some intensity to those feelings, both physically and emotionally.
That's when Mark showed up. He saw me, walked over to the booth and sat across from me. He started talking to me, just small talk, and he noticed that I was in a mood. He asked me how I felt.
This isn't going to be pleasant. Let me tell you this part before I continue the story.
You know what I like in guys. You know the guys that I find physically attractive. Mark is all of that.
Yeah.
Well, for a long time, I've treated him like he was radioactive. I just told myself that he was damaged goods, and that no matter how much I might like to admire from afar, I couldn't get close.
God, you're not going to like this.
I never told you, but he asked me out last September. I said no, reflexively, because he was radioactive. But, a part of me wondered. A part of me was interested.
Well, because... I... I don't know why I didn't tell you. At first I didn't tell you because he was damaged goods. You didn't know Sarah, though you've met Angela. Yeah, that was her at the funeral.
Anyway, I just didn't bring it up then... and later, before Christmas, when you asked about him, I tried really hard to wave you off. I tried to tell you to stay the hell away from him, and I told you the Sarah story.
Well, I didn't see what good it would do to tell you that he had asked me out, if you were so dead set on going after him. Like I told you, he was asking about you too, but... I don't know... I felt like I couldn't stop you, so the best I could do was hang around and try to point out any shit that I saw him pulling. To protect you.
No, I'm getting to it. Promise.
Before I do, there was one more reason I didn't tell you about the pass he made.
Yeah. Exactly. God, how do you do that so fast?
Yeah, but I never admitted that to myself. Not really. I tried to explain it away. I tried to tell myself that it was just lust. Heck, that makes sense, right? I tried to convince myself that I wasn't interested in him, and there were plenty of other fish in the sea. But the thing was, I was fascinated with him, even back in September, maybe before that.
Okay, back to Friday.
When he asked me how I felt, I told him. I told him that I felt lonely. It had been a while since I'd seen anyone, and I was feeling a bit sorry for myself. I said it like I was making fun of myself, but I can see that I was making a play for him. I was baiting him.
I'm so sorry Jana. I really am. I didn't plan it that way, it just happened. I know that doesn't make it okay, but there's a difference between weakness and malice. I did not plan this out.
So, I still didn't think that I was making a play for him, not consciously, but my blood was racing, so a part of me knew it. He responded. I could see it. His eyes flashed, he laughed, and he sat back in the booth. It seemed like he was trying to put more space between us.
He excused himself, got up, and went to men's room. I took a deep breath, and thought about what had just happened. A part of me knew, but a part of me was telling myself that we were just friends, and that friends can joke around.
He came back and abruptly changed the subject. We talked about sports. He asked me about what I was doing with training. I told him not much, and talked about needing to gear up for Nationals in June. It went on like that for a while, until Julia and Ron showed up. Then Jerry and Kris came in.
By the time the food came, we had all stood up and sat down so many times, you know how it is, I was scrunched in between Mark on the inside and Jerry on the outside. Ron was against the wall on the other side, with Julia in the middle across from me, and Kris sitting on her left, across from Jerry.
There was talking and laughing, pretty much like always. I had a drink with my dinner, and was staying quiet. Ron was talking about things at the paper, how his editor was the biggest jack ass in the world... Julia was calling bull shit on half of what he said. Jerry was talking about cut backs at work, and how he wasn't going to be working on Fridays starting in February. Mark and Kris would make comments here and there, and I was mostly quiet.
Tim and Traci showed up, and pulled up a couple of chairs to join us. Traci did her thing and shook hands with everyone. Tim ordered a whisky and some food and checked in with everyone to see what was new. Before we'd even made it around the table, Julia announced that she and Ron needed to go. Ron looked tired, and she was, no doubt, taking care of him.
People rearranged seats, letting Ron and Julia get out. Traci slid all the way in, and Tim sat in the middle, with Kris taking up her position on the end again.
No, I'm not stalling. Well, maybe a little, but do you see what I saw that night.
It started eating at me. All of our friends had someone. Everyone. Tim and Traci, Jerry and Kris... no, I don't think they are going to stick together, but still, I think Ron and Julia will.
Then there I am. Alone. I felt so alone. It's not like my life is hard right? I don't have much reason to complain. But God that night, I just felt so lonely. The idea of going home to my bed, alone, was about the worst thing imaginable.
I was sitting there, and I ordered a second drink, which in hindsight, was a big mistake...
No, I'm not blaming the alcohol. Well... okay, maybe I am, a little. Maybe I want to. No, I didn't get drunk, I just had my two drinks. I wish I could say I was drunk. I was just "warm".
So I have another drink, and I notice that Mark is being really nice to me. He's being attentive. He's not really doing anything improper, but he's handing me things when I want them, that sort of thing. Normally, he's not like that at all, right?
Well, he is for you, but the two of you were a couple, right? I mean, he hadn't been like that for me. Does that make sense?
Okay, where was I? Yeah. He was paying attention to me. I noticed it. I swear to God, Jana, it was like I had been suffocating and suddenly I could breath. It felt so good. It felt too good. I was enjoying it a little too much.
Somewhere in there, I started getting a little confused. What I wanted in general started mixing with what my thoughts about Mark, which I had been squelching, because of you... and the radioactive thing. And it was all motivated by this loneliness that I was feeling.
The attention felt good, and I lost my head.
Do you want me to continue?
Really? Are you sure? Jana, honey, this can't be good for you.
Okay, I'll keep going.
At one point I needed to get up to go to the women's room, so I asked Jerry to let me out. As I was scooting out, I reached back to push myself out, and instead of the back of the seat, my hand rested on Mark's shoulder. He reached out and held my upper arm to help me slide out. Not a big deal, right?
Yeah. That's exactly what it was like. It's like you're always talking about with touch. I was really hungry for some sort of contact, and it was like electricity shooting through me.
I got turned on.
I wish it was only that... it wasn't just lust. I think that I have been harboring something for him for a long time, and going about life lying to myself. I've been telling myself that it's just a meaningless fantasy, but it was more than that.
Before I left the restroom, I finished washing my hands and then splashed some water on my face. I looked in the mirror. I didn't really have any clear thoughts about what these feelings were, they were still jumbled, and I was still lying to myself. It's no big deal. Nothing's wrong.
When I went back out, I considered changing seats. I thought about asking Jerry to scoot in next to Mark, so I could sit on the outside. I was thinking about it when Jerry stood up and motioned me in. I paused there, for a moment, and realized that I didn't want to sit on the outside. I wanted to sit next to Mark.
If I had to tell you when I betrayed you, if there was one moment, I think it might have been right there. I knew something was wrong, in my gut, I knew it. I didn't have the thoughts all worked out, but I still knew. I thought of an alternate plan, I thought of changing seats. I had options, at that point, but I decided that I didn't want to take them. After that, the thoughts started getting more clear.
I've played through the tape of that night so many times in my head. To see where I went wrong. Clearly sleeping with Mark was wrong, but it wasn't like we were standing around on the street like normal and then we suddenly decided to jump into bed together. There was a process and I really wanted to understand it.
You really want to hear all of this?
So be it.
When I sat back down, next to Mark, I looked him in the face. It kind of became a game at that point. I thought of it a bit like playing with fire. Maybe like a bidding game. I kept increasing the bid, to see if he would call me, or if he would fold. I told you that I was lying to myself earlier. I don't know if I would call what I was doing now lying to myself. Now, I was playing a game. I didn't have a clear picture of where they game would end, although I was telling myself that obviously we would never have sex, we couldn't do that.
Yeah, I'm sorry. That had to hurt. I'll wait a second if you want.
Sure, I can wait.
Ready?
Are you sure?
So, I was looking at him. He noticed and looked at me, and I smiled at him. He smiled back, but he was more curious than anything else. I looked back at Traci, who was smiling. You know what a beautiful smile she has. Tim had his arm around her, and while I don't know for sure, I think that Kris and Jerry were playing footsies under the table.
I reached under the table and sat my hand on Mark's leg. I didn't reach for anything, or rub his leg... nothing like that... I just rested it there.
I think he looked over at me, casually, so as not to let everyone else know where my hand was, but I didn't look. I didn't make eye contact with him again for a long time.
The conversation continued and before long he had reached down and grabbed my hand. That led to more electricity, excitement, et cetera, I will skip the details. I am sure you don't want to hear that part.
Tim was having the best time, but Traci had yawned twice, so they took off. It must've been around 9pm. After they left, Jerry swung around and Kris scooted in, so the four of us had the booth to ourselves.
Even though there was more room, I was sitting closer to Mark than ever. Kris was snuggling into Jerry, under his arm. I pulled my legs up onto the seat, and leaned into Mark a bit. Before long, he mimiced Jerry, and put his arm around my shoulders.
The only response I saw from the others, was that I think Kris raised an eyebrow at that point. I wasn't sure if I'd seen it, or if I was imagining it.
So, it was still well before 10pm when they started talking about calling it a night, and we all said our goodbyes. We walked out together, and Jerry and Kris walked off to find her car.
We were standing outside Mac's, in the cold, and Mark turned to look at me. He seemed to be thinking a lot, his face was hard to read, especially in the bad light, but clearly he was curious. I was awful. I totally flirted with him at that point. I hit him with the "challenging look, with head tilted slightly down and to the side, daring him to say something."
It hit him hard, he laughed and looked away. Before he could recover I said, "I want to talk more, will you hang out with me for a while, at my place?"
I was still playing the game. At this point, I was thinking to myself, I'm just flirting, there's nothing wrong with that... I know I know, there is something wrong with that... but I want you to understand, this was a long way down the path. I had been taking little steps the whole time, a little bit here, a little bit there.
I was thinking that there was no possible way that anything would happen, we were just goofing off. And besides, it felt so good. I was so hungry for the attention. I had no idea that it had been building up like that inside me. If I had known that I was going to respond like this, I would've just gone straight home from work.
I was behaving terribly, but it was meeting a need. I was kinda stuck in a trap of my own making.
We went back to my place. We sat on my dumpy old couch. I brought out a couple of glasses of water, and started asking him about his childhood. At first I sat on the opposite end of the couch from him. He talked for a long time. Eventually, I pulled my feet up on the couch, you know how I sit, and then I stretched my legs out toward him, and rested my feet on his lap.
It was a game. A stupid game. I'm sorry.
While he was talking, I started to feel that I really understood him. He talked about himself, and shared some amazing shit with me. I don't know how much he talked to you, but he really opened up that night.
He seemed pretty emotional about some of the stuff he was sharing, and I was being supportive of him. After a while, I spun around and put my head in his lap.
Jana, a part of me wants to say that was bad, and I'm sorry that I did it. But I have to tell you, the game was over. This is the part I didn't want to tell you. This is the part that I've been putting off by telling you the long version of the story.
By the time I did that, I was done playing games. I was really falling for him. It wasn't just an innocent flirt anymore. Now it meant something, and I knew it. A part of me was choosing to continue regardless of the consequences. If you could forgive me for what happened earlier, you might still hate me because of this part.
He told me about how he grew up and was spoiled. He talked about how he had always had anything he wanted, and never got in trouble. He said how he had acted poorly on purpose, hoping that he would get caught. The thing was, eventually he was caught, but even then he got out of it. He was the big sports star. He was on the basketball team. He was the state swimming champ. People would say things like "You know, he's under a lot of pressure. People like that need to blow off steam every now and then."
He talked about how in High School he was becoming this person that he hated. He talked about going to college and how it just grew. He was becoming a monster.
By the time he came back here, to Colorado, he felt invicible. He came up here for his grad work, and that's when I met him. He was a grad student, training in the pool, and he met Sarah, who was the mousy little undergrad.
I don't need to tell you that story again.
He won the bet with his friends. Sarah left school for the rest of the semester. That's when Mark thought about killing himself.
He didn't tell you?
No, I believe him.
Wait, wait, just listen.
Did he tell you about the counseling?
Yeah, it was a secret.
No, I do believe him. He used my laptop and showed me who it was. He pulled up his gmail account. Jana, he had the e-mails. Appointments, all of it. If he was lying to me about it, he has a pretty elaborate script set up just to fool girls.
I saw the e-mail addresses. The dates of the appointments. He showed it all to me. He never tried to kill himself, but he was in therapy for almost a year.
He also showed me the letter that he wrote to Sarah. He laid it all out there to her. He apologized unconditionally. I don't have proof that she got it, or that she read it. He said that he mailed a copy that he had signed, but he also e-mailed it to her. It was in his sent folder.
Jana, by the time we'd been through all of that, we'd both cried a bit. I can't say that I was head over heels at that point, but I had really strong feelings for him.
We chilled out for a bit. It was late, after midnight. I talked some. I talked about my past, growing up here, going to school here. I mentioned some of my previous boyfriends. You know, told him about my stuff.
Somewhere in there, while I was telling him my stuff, I realized that I was going to try. I wanted him. I knew that it would hurt you. I knew that it might end our friendship. Even knowing all of that, I made a decision.
I'm sorry that I did things that caused you pain, but Jana, I love Mark.
If I had to do it all again, now, knowing what I know, I would just stop. I would come to you and talk to you before we did anything. That night, I didn't have that kind of perspective, or self-control.
I don't know when it happened, it's kinda fuzzy now... how it started. I was tired, but I was happier than I'd been in a long time. We were joking, playful banter. It became physical and we started wrestling around.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I can stop there. I know you understand what that means to me.
Slowly boiling an egg. (6)
Shannon felt awful. Her stomach was churning. Her hands were shaking. She got like this when she was really nervous, it wasn't the first time.
She took a couple of deep breaths and knocked gently on the door. She let her breath out all the way, and then slowly drew it back in through her nose. Breathing deliberately helped the shaking a little, but her palms were still sweating.
Just when she was about to knock again, convinced that in her desire to avoid this confrontation she had knocked too quietly to be heard, the door pulled open.
"Oh Shannon." Jana said, her voice full of sympathy. She stepped forward quickly, and pulled Shannon close to her in what was not just a hug, but an embrace. Jana always gave the best hugs.
Shannon felt torn. A part of her felt that she didn't deserve this. Another part of her wanted to enjoy this acceptance and comfort from her best friend. The conflict was distracting, but she managed to put her arms around Jana, though a bit limply.
Jana didn't let go. She just stood there holding Shannon closely, in the doorway of her apartment. Shannon was still distracted by her own thoughts, but started to let go and just accept the affection and support Jana was offering. The all too familiar tears were forming in her eyes.
She felt it before she heard it. Then the sound. Jana was crying too. It wasn't just that Jana was holding her to comfort her, it was that Jana was hurting as well. 'Of course. How could I be so selfish as to think it was all about me?'
Somehow it was easier to comfort Jana than to accept comfort from her, so Shannon went with that. She held Jana more firmly and spoke to her.
"Oh Jana, it's been awful. How are you holding up?"
Jana didn't speak. She stopped crying, and held Shannon for another moment. Then she took a step backward and wiped her eyes, looking embarrassed as she did so. She waved at Shannon to come into the apartment.
Shannon came in and looked around. She had spent a lot of time here. Jana actually had a real job. Jana was a grown up. Shannon had always had a slight case of envy about Jana's life. The funny thing was, it was mutual.
Jana had skated through school, effortlessly. She found a great job right out of college, and was making good money. Jana was smart and funny, even if she did tend to stay at home unless Shannon convinced her to come out with the gang. Jana read all of these amazing books and had this warehouse of knowledge. She had beautiful deep blue eyes and black "Crystal Gayle" hair, even if Jana's version just came down to her lower back.
But everytime Shannon would complain in mock desperation about how Jana was so amazing, Jana would argue back about all of the things that she envied about Shannon. Shannon was such an athlete. She could date any guy in the room, but men never paid attention to Jana (which was utter make-believe on her part, but Jana was convinced it was true). Shannon could talk with anyone, anywhere, but Jana just flubbed up the words whenever she tried. Shannon was tall and could be a model if she wanted. Probably the biggest one was that Shannon did things, Shannon went places, Shannon knew people, and Jana didn't.
Shannon was thinking about their endless discussions of mutual admiration as she walked through the living room to the kitchen. Jana had a large two bedroom apartment, just for herself. She used the second bedroom as an office. Shannon had visited here often, and helped herself to a glass of filtered water from the refrigerator. Then she walked back into the living room and sat in "her" chair... a hanging wicker contraption that looked kind of egg-shaped. There were several cushions in it, and she took a moment to get everything sorted out.
The room was dimly lit. The light from the kitchen was throwing some of it's light this way, but the lamps on the end tables and the overhead fixture were still off. Jana was laying on her side, curled up, on the smaller piece of the overstuffed sectional. The couches were the newest addition to her living room, and dominated the space. It had cost a lot, but she said that considering how much time she spent at home it was a worthy investment.
Shannon was completely unprepared when she was hit with a quick thought. 'I bet they had sex on that.' It hit her out of the blue, and she felt embarrassed to have such a petty thought at a time like this. She tried to bury the thought, and push down the hint of jealousy that it raised. 'If anyone has a right to be jealous right now,' she told herself, 'it's Jana.'
"I looked for you after the funeral service. I was really worried until Bobby told me that you left, and that you were okay."
Jana paused and Shannon nodded and took a sip of water. That was slightly annoying. Bobby didn't know that she was okay. She had just stormed out of the church. It occurred to her that maybe Bobby should have followed her to find out if she was okay, but he hadn't. Maybe he just knew her well enough to be assured.
Shannon remembered when she introduced Mark and Jana. She had serious misgivings about setting them up because of what she knew about Mark's history, but each of them had independantly talked to Shannon about the other. It was like a movie set up. She had told Jana everything she knew about Mark's past, warning her, but it was no use, Jana was fascinated by him. Jana told Shannon 'she could take care of herself.'
Finally Jana started again.
"You didn't call me back on Friday. I figured you probably shut your phone off to be alone." Jana paused before continuing. "Then you didn't call me yesterday. I assumed that you were really hurting," Jana's voice faltered now and she had to take a breath before finishing, "and then things are probably complicated too."
'Oh God,' Shannon thought. 'This sucks so bad. This is why you don't...,' she couldn't finish the thought, and looked down at the floor. There were going to be a lot of tears tonight.
Jana was quiet while Shannon was thinking. The room was silent.
When she left Julia outside of 'Pastries and More' she had no intention of talking with Jana tonight. As she began riding home, a sense of urgency started to take hold of her, in her chest. It grew until she had turned her bike around, and headed down to Jana's place.
"Shannon, I don't want to lose you as a friend." Shannon didn't want to look up, she could hear the emotion in Jana's voice. She took the quickest of glances, despite herself, and even though most of the lights were off, she could still see tears streaming down Jana's face.
Again, quiet. The nervousness was gone. Instead Shannon felt a bit awed by the amount of damage her actions were causing. She had always known it, as an idea... in the back of her head... which is why she had been so nervous. Now she was seeing it in front of her. She stared at the floor.
"Shannon!" Jana yelled. "Talk to me damnit!"
Shannon grabbed the edges of the chair and her eyes leaped up to look at Jana, now sitting up straight. She was startled, shocked. She had seen Jana angry before, yelling about something, but it was usually played for humor. This was aimed at her, and there was no softening humor to save Shannon from this.
"Oh God..." Shannon was completely at a loss for words. "Jana." She felt more tears now. Her nerves were back, all at once.
"Shannon, I'm so angry. I'm so hurt. I don't understand." Jana was sitting up now and shook her head faintly. Her voice was still angry, strong, but she wasn't yelling. If softened a little when she spoke again.
"Shannon, you're my best friend, I don't want to lose you, but I'm so angry at you right now. You hurt me."
It was all Shannon could do to not leave, to run away. She buried her face in her hands and cried.
Shannon tried to get a grip as quickly as she could. She felt that she had to do whatever she could... well, almost... to make things better.
"Jana," Shannon's voice was the one over come by emotion this time. "Jana, listen... I've been... thinking about this for days." Shannon wasn't sure what was going to come out of her mouth. "I don't know what I can say that will help. Everything I think of is just hollow." Her voice started to clear again with that.
Jana's face was set in a somewhat stern visage. Her head was tilted, her lips pressed together, but there was still emotion around her eyes.
"I feel so much shame at my behavior. I wish it had happened differently. I wish I hadn't hurt you. I...," Shannon took a breath in the middle, "... don't even think I can ask you to forgive me."
Shannon paused to do some breathing. Jana had been watching Shannon, but now was staring at the floor.
"I want to stay friends with you too, and I am willing to do a lot to try to make that happen, if it's even possible." Shannon took another breath before saying the next part.
"I'm sorry that I hurt you, and I don't have any excuses for it."
The both sat quietly for a while. Jana got up and walked into the bathroom saying that she would be right back. Shannon got up and grabbed a handful of tissues to stuff in her pocket for later, and a second handful to make use of now. She stopped on her way back to her chair, and looked out the sliding glass door to the balcony.
It was only a second floor apartment, and there wasn't much to look at. The wooden fence that went around the back of the property, enclosed a narrow strip of parking along the building. There were a couple of scragly trees sticking up on the other side of the fence.
Unlike the talk with Julia, where she had a good idea of how it would go, and could compare between her expectations and reality, she really didn't know what this was going to look like. She had never betrayed a friend like this before, and didn't know what to expect. She couldn't compare if it was going well, or poorly, in the grand scheme of things.
'At least she hasn't thrown me out yet, that's something.'
Shannon heard the toilet flush, and sat back down in her chair for round 2.
Jana walked out to the living room, subdued. She looked over at Shannon, but then looked away. That hurt Shannon. Something about the way that she looked at her without an acknowledging smile was terrible.
'Yeah, it's supposed to hurt,' she thought to herself. 'This isn't going to be easy.'
"Jana, there is nothing here that you did wrong. You aren't to blame. It's not your fault. I don't know if you think it is, somehow, but it seemed important that I say that." Shannon felt it easy to say supportive things rather than disclose more about her own feelings, so she tried to take that angle.
Jana nodded. She had gone back to the stern look, watching Shannon from where she was sitting.
Shannon scurried for what to say next. Jana deserved the truth, but Shannon wasn't ready for that yet. 'What do I say in between here and there, to make it easier?' Shannon wondered.
"I'm not blaming myself, but I am worried about you. I was ready to storm over to your place and yell at you after work on Monday." Jana was almost smiling, that seemed to be a good sign. "Then after lunch I got a call about the accident. Jake was one of the paramedics who were first on the scene. As soon as he could, he called a few people to let us know."
Shannon was relieved. It seemed the more Jana would talk, it just gave Shannon more time to think. And maybe Jana would be able to work some of her anger out at the same time. Maybe.
"I was so torn. I wanted to beat down your door to yell at you, and make a scene, and all of it... but I wanted to hold you and comfort you at the same time."
Jana was always physical with her friends. It was something Shannon thought was weird at first. Shannon wasn't into women, not like that, and the way Jana behaved kinda gave her the creeps at first. But as she got to know her, she realized that Jana was passionate and physical, and that was that. It wasn't about sex, not at all... it was just that she was very, very expressive.
Once Shannon was sure about what it meant to Jana, she had grown comfortable with it, at least when she was around Jana. It wasn't just hugs. Jana would hold your hand, sit next to you, or even snuggle on the couch. She always seemed to find a way to break the physical barriers that everyone put up. Jana had read a lot of books on the topic, and felt that a big problem with today's society was that people didn't touch enough, and that there was too much stress and fear around touch.
Shannon had grown to really like that about Jana. It was something that she didn't have with anyone else... not her family, and even some of her boyfriends had been more distant, unless they were making out with her at the time.
"I didn't call you right away, because I wasn't sure what I would say. I was really hurt, and angry, and I wanted to know why it had happened. Mark was no use. I'll give him one thing, he came to me and confessed it right away. That surprised me. I tried to get him to tell me why, and he just said that he thought it was time for him to go, and that he was sorry." Jana shook her head. "If I wasn't so angry at you right now, I would thank you for the warning you gave me about him... you were right."
Jana was looking right at Shannon when she said the last bit. It cut Shannon a couple of ways. She was going "all in" with a guy who just betrayed her best friend. He had told Shannon why, sure, but the thing that kept eating at her was that if you take away his words, and just look at his actions, she was making a big mistake.
Shannon was betting her best friend and a lot of future pain on a guy who not only had a history as a womanizer, but could be malicious about it. The doubts that had been gnawing at her came back.
The thing was, he had changed in front of her eyes. Since Sarah, Mark seemed different. She didn't know every detail of what happened in the two years since then, but since the end of last summer, Shannon had spent quite a bit of time around Mark. They had gotten to be friends, though it took a while, and was quite tentative at first. Mark had made a pass at her, and she had refused, but he handled everything with a lot of maturity, and continued to engage as friends.
Mark had been really good with Jana, until Shannon had messed everything up. Mark's words made sense. Shannon was to blame for what had happened, more than Mark. She was sure of that. Shannon realized that she was trying to reassure herself of her decision with these rationalizations, but she felt that there was a good chance that she was right.
She looked up to see that Jana was looking at the wall. They had both been quiet for a while, each lost in thought.
"Jana, I really don't know if you are going to choose to be in my life after this. You have good reason to just be done with me. Sure, the accident happening when it did added a whole level of complexity to how we are all dealing with the situation, but I don't think it changes the fact that I betrayed you."
Jana looked pained at hearing Shannon's last statement. She was shaking her head again, just barely enough to notice. Shannon thought that she might be wishing it wasn't true, or fighting over conflicting feelings. Shannon chided herself, 'I know what it's like to have conflicting feelings well enough.'
"I'm not going to lie to you, but I don't want to hurt you. I'm in a terrible bind. You are my best friend. I want you to be happy. But I did something that really hurt you, something I should not have done, and I can't fix it... I can't undo it."
Jana was still listening with the same hurt expression on her face. She would look away occasionally, but then return to watch Shannon as she was speaking.
Shannon was about to continue speaking, and realized that she was coming around to spilling the rest of it. Instead she kept quiet.
"Shannon..." Jana started to say something, and then seemed to lose it. She turned her head and thought hard for a moment. "Shannon, I've been blaming Mark for this. I am angry that you were the one that he cheated with, that as much or maybe more than him cheating."
She paused, in thought, and continued when she picked up the trail once again.
"I need to know why. Why did it happen?" Jana seemed to holding back a lot. There was a lot going on in her head that she wasn't saying. Shannon couldn't guess exactly what it was, but she could see it clearly on her face.
Shannon had just told Jana that she was to blame. She didn't even mention Mark's name. Jana didn't want to believe it. 'Okay, well, I guess I can't avoid it any longer.'
"Jana, I don't want to hurt you. If I tell you this, it's going to hurt you. I understand that not telling you will still hurt, but I think it might hurt less. Are you sure you want me to tell you?"
"Either you tell me, or I'm going to ask you to leave." Jana was looking at Shannon very calm, with some tension in her jaw and sadness in her eyes.
"Do you want the long story or the short story?" Shannon was stalling to the last. Any words she could throw in front of the oncoming disclosure were welcome delays to the injury that she felt she would unavoidably deal to Jana.
"Long, I think. The more I know, the more I understand, the more of a chance I have to see your side of things, and get over this."
Shannon wasn't sure it would work that way. Sometimes a longer knife just buried itself deeper in your back. In any case, that was what Shannon wanted too. The long version would mean that she could stall more.
She took a couple of deep breaths and knocked gently on the door. She let her breath out all the way, and then slowly drew it back in through her nose. Breathing deliberately helped the shaking a little, but her palms were still sweating.
Just when she was about to knock again, convinced that in her desire to avoid this confrontation she had knocked too quietly to be heard, the door pulled open.
"Oh Shannon." Jana said, her voice full of sympathy. She stepped forward quickly, and pulled Shannon close to her in what was not just a hug, but an embrace. Jana always gave the best hugs.
Shannon felt torn. A part of her felt that she didn't deserve this. Another part of her wanted to enjoy this acceptance and comfort from her best friend. The conflict was distracting, but she managed to put her arms around Jana, though a bit limply.
Jana didn't let go. She just stood there holding Shannon closely, in the doorway of her apartment. Shannon was still distracted by her own thoughts, but started to let go and just accept the affection and support Jana was offering. The all too familiar tears were forming in her eyes.
She felt it before she heard it. Then the sound. Jana was crying too. It wasn't just that Jana was holding her to comfort her, it was that Jana was hurting as well. 'Of course. How could I be so selfish as to think it was all about me?'
Somehow it was easier to comfort Jana than to accept comfort from her, so Shannon went with that. She held Jana more firmly and spoke to her.
"Oh Jana, it's been awful. How are you holding up?"
Jana didn't speak. She stopped crying, and held Shannon for another moment. Then she took a step backward and wiped her eyes, looking embarrassed as she did so. She waved at Shannon to come into the apartment.
Shannon came in and looked around. She had spent a lot of time here. Jana actually had a real job. Jana was a grown up. Shannon had always had a slight case of envy about Jana's life. The funny thing was, it was mutual.
Jana had skated through school, effortlessly. She found a great job right out of college, and was making good money. Jana was smart and funny, even if she did tend to stay at home unless Shannon convinced her to come out with the gang. Jana read all of these amazing books and had this warehouse of knowledge. She had beautiful deep blue eyes and black "Crystal Gayle" hair, even if Jana's version just came down to her lower back.
But everytime Shannon would complain in mock desperation about how Jana was so amazing, Jana would argue back about all of the things that she envied about Shannon. Shannon was such an athlete. She could date any guy in the room, but men never paid attention to Jana (which was utter make-believe on her part, but Jana was convinced it was true). Shannon could talk with anyone, anywhere, but Jana just flubbed up the words whenever she tried. Shannon was tall and could be a model if she wanted. Probably the biggest one was that Shannon did things, Shannon went places, Shannon knew people, and Jana didn't.
Shannon was thinking about their endless discussions of mutual admiration as she walked through the living room to the kitchen. Jana had a large two bedroom apartment, just for herself. She used the second bedroom as an office. Shannon had visited here often, and helped herself to a glass of filtered water from the refrigerator. Then she walked back into the living room and sat in "her" chair... a hanging wicker contraption that looked kind of egg-shaped. There were several cushions in it, and she took a moment to get everything sorted out.
The room was dimly lit. The light from the kitchen was throwing some of it's light this way, but the lamps on the end tables and the overhead fixture were still off. Jana was laying on her side, curled up, on the smaller piece of the overstuffed sectional. The couches were the newest addition to her living room, and dominated the space. It had cost a lot, but she said that considering how much time she spent at home it was a worthy investment.
Shannon was completely unprepared when she was hit with a quick thought. 'I bet they had sex on that.' It hit her out of the blue, and she felt embarrassed to have such a petty thought at a time like this. She tried to bury the thought, and push down the hint of jealousy that it raised. 'If anyone has a right to be jealous right now,' she told herself, 'it's Jana.'
"I looked for you after the funeral service. I was really worried until Bobby told me that you left, and that you were okay."
Jana paused and Shannon nodded and took a sip of water. That was slightly annoying. Bobby didn't know that she was okay. She had just stormed out of the church. It occurred to her that maybe Bobby should have followed her to find out if she was okay, but he hadn't. Maybe he just knew her well enough to be assured.
Shannon remembered when she introduced Mark and Jana. She had serious misgivings about setting them up because of what she knew about Mark's history, but each of them had independantly talked to Shannon about the other. It was like a movie set up. She had told Jana everything she knew about Mark's past, warning her, but it was no use, Jana was fascinated by him. Jana told Shannon 'she could take care of herself.'
Finally Jana started again.
"You didn't call me back on Friday. I figured you probably shut your phone off to be alone." Jana paused before continuing. "Then you didn't call me yesterday. I assumed that you were really hurting," Jana's voice faltered now and she had to take a breath before finishing, "and then things are probably complicated too."
'Oh God,' Shannon thought. 'This sucks so bad. This is why you don't...,' she couldn't finish the thought, and looked down at the floor. There were going to be a lot of tears tonight.
Jana was quiet while Shannon was thinking. The room was silent.
When she left Julia outside of 'Pastries and More' she had no intention of talking with Jana tonight. As she began riding home, a sense of urgency started to take hold of her, in her chest. It grew until she had turned her bike around, and headed down to Jana's place.
"Shannon, I don't want to lose you as a friend." Shannon didn't want to look up, she could hear the emotion in Jana's voice. She took the quickest of glances, despite herself, and even though most of the lights were off, she could still see tears streaming down Jana's face.
Again, quiet. The nervousness was gone. Instead Shannon felt a bit awed by the amount of damage her actions were causing. She had always known it, as an idea... in the back of her head... which is why she had been so nervous. Now she was seeing it in front of her. She stared at the floor.
"Shannon!" Jana yelled. "Talk to me damnit!"
Shannon grabbed the edges of the chair and her eyes leaped up to look at Jana, now sitting up straight. She was startled, shocked. She had seen Jana angry before, yelling about something, but it was usually played for humor. This was aimed at her, and there was no softening humor to save Shannon from this.
"Oh God..." Shannon was completely at a loss for words. "Jana." She felt more tears now. Her nerves were back, all at once.
"Shannon, I'm so angry. I'm so hurt. I don't understand." Jana was sitting up now and shook her head faintly. Her voice was still angry, strong, but she wasn't yelling. If softened a little when she spoke again.
"Shannon, you're my best friend, I don't want to lose you, but I'm so angry at you right now. You hurt me."
It was all Shannon could do to not leave, to run away. She buried her face in her hands and cried.
Shannon tried to get a grip as quickly as she could. She felt that she had to do whatever she could... well, almost... to make things better.
"Jana," Shannon's voice was the one over come by emotion this time. "Jana, listen... I've been... thinking about this for days." Shannon wasn't sure what was going to come out of her mouth. "I don't know what I can say that will help. Everything I think of is just hollow." Her voice started to clear again with that.
Jana's face was set in a somewhat stern visage. Her head was tilted, her lips pressed together, but there was still emotion around her eyes.
"I feel so much shame at my behavior. I wish it had happened differently. I wish I hadn't hurt you. I...," Shannon took a breath in the middle, "... don't even think I can ask you to forgive me."
Shannon paused to do some breathing. Jana had been watching Shannon, but now was staring at the floor.
"I want to stay friends with you too, and I am willing to do a lot to try to make that happen, if it's even possible." Shannon took another breath before saying the next part.
"I'm sorry that I hurt you, and I don't have any excuses for it."
The both sat quietly for a while. Jana got up and walked into the bathroom saying that she would be right back. Shannon got up and grabbed a handful of tissues to stuff in her pocket for later, and a second handful to make use of now. She stopped on her way back to her chair, and looked out the sliding glass door to the balcony.
It was only a second floor apartment, and there wasn't much to look at. The wooden fence that went around the back of the property, enclosed a narrow strip of parking along the building. There were a couple of scragly trees sticking up on the other side of the fence.
Unlike the talk with Julia, where she had a good idea of how it would go, and could compare between her expectations and reality, she really didn't know what this was going to look like. She had never betrayed a friend like this before, and didn't know what to expect. She couldn't compare if it was going well, or poorly, in the grand scheme of things.
'At least she hasn't thrown me out yet, that's something.'
Shannon heard the toilet flush, and sat back down in her chair for round 2.
Jana walked out to the living room, subdued. She looked over at Shannon, but then looked away. That hurt Shannon. Something about the way that she looked at her without an acknowledging smile was terrible.
'Yeah, it's supposed to hurt,' she thought to herself. 'This isn't going to be easy.'
"Jana, there is nothing here that you did wrong. You aren't to blame. It's not your fault. I don't know if you think it is, somehow, but it seemed important that I say that." Shannon felt it easy to say supportive things rather than disclose more about her own feelings, so she tried to take that angle.
Jana nodded. She had gone back to the stern look, watching Shannon from where she was sitting.
Shannon scurried for what to say next. Jana deserved the truth, but Shannon wasn't ready for that yet. 'What do I say in between here and there, to make it easier?' Shannon wondered.
"I'm not blaming myself, but I am worried about you. I was ready to storm over to your place and yell at you after work on Monday." Jana was almost smiling, that seemed to be a good sign. "Then after lunch I got a call about the accident. Jake was one of the paramedics who were first on the scene. As soon as he could, he called a few people to let us know."
Shannon was relieved. It seemed the more Jana would talk, it just gave Shannon more time to think. And maybe Jana would be able to work some of her anger out at the same time. Maybe.
"I was so torn. I wanted to beat down your door to yell at you, and make a scene, and all of it... but I wanted to hold you and comfort you at the same time."
Jana was always physical with her friends. It was something Shannon thought was weird at first. Shannon wasn't into women, not like that, and the way Jana behaved kinda gave her the creeps at first. But as she got to know her, she realized that Jana was passionate and physical, and that was that. It wasn't about sex, not at all... it was just that she was very, very expressive.
Once Shannon was sure about what it meant to Jana, she had grown comfortable with it, at least when she was around Jana. It wasn't just hugs. Jana would hold your hand, sit next to you, or even snuggle on the couch. She always seemed to find a way to break the physical barriers that everyone put up. Jana had read a lot of books on the topic, and felt that a big problem with today's society was that people didn't touch enough, and that there was too much stress and fear around touch.
Shannon had grown to really like that about Jana. It was something that she didn't have with anyone else... not her family, and even some of her boyfriends had been more distant, unless they were making out with her at the time.
"I didn't call you right away, because I wasn't sure what I would say. I was really hurt, and angry, and I wanted to know why it had happened. Mark was no use. I'll give him one thing, he came to me and confessed it right away. That surprised me. I tried to get him to tell me why, and he just said that he thought it was time for him to go, and that he was sorry." Jana shook her head. "If I wasn't so angry at you right now, I would thank you for the warning you gave me about him... you were right."
Jana was looking right at Shannon when she said the last bit. It cut Shannon a couple of ways. She was going "all in" with a guy who just betrayed her best friend. He had told Shannon why, sure, but the thing that kept eating at her was that if you take away his words, and just look at his actions, she was making a big mistake.
Shannon was betting her best friend and a lot of future pain on a guy who not only had a history as a womanizer, but could be malicious about it. The doubts that had been gnawing at her came back.
The thing was, he had changed in front of her eyes. Since Sarah, Mark seemed different. She didn't know every detail of what happened in the two years since then, but since the end of last summer, Shannon had spent quite a bit of time around Mark. They had gotten to be friends, though it took a while, and was quite tentative at first. Mark had made a pass at her, and she had refused, but he handled everything with a lot of maturity, and continued to engage as friends.
Mark had been really good with Jana, until Shannon had messed everything up. Mark's words made sense. Shannon was to blame for what had happened, more than Mark. She was sure of that. Shannon realized that she was trying to reassure herself of her decision with these rationalizations, but she felt that there was a good chance that she was right.
She looked up to see that Jana was looking at the wall. They had both been quiet for a while, each lost in thought.
"Jana, I really don't know if you are going to choose to be in my life after this. You have good reason to just be done with me. Sure, the accident happening when it did added a whole level of complexity to how we are all dealing with the situation, but I don't think it changes the fact that I betrayed you."
Jana looked pained at hearing Shannon's last statement. She was shaking her head again, just barely enough to notice. Shannon thought that she might be wishing it wasn't true, or fighting over conflicting feelings. Shannon chided herself, 'I know what it's like to have conflicting feelings well enough.'
"I'm not going to lie to you, but I don't want to hurt you. I'm in a terrible bind. You are my best friend. I want you to be happy. But I did something that really hurt you, something I should not have done, and I can't fix it... I can't undo it."
Jana was still listening with the same hurt expression on her face. She would look away occasionally, but then return to watch Shannon as she was speaking.
Shannon was about to continue speaking, and realized that she was coming around to spilling the rest of it. Instead she kept quiet.
"Shannon..." Jana started to say something, and then seemed to lose it. She turned her head and thought hard for a moment. "Shannon, I've been blaming Mark for this. I am angry that you were the one that he cheated with, that as much or maybe more than him cheating."
She paused, in thought, and continued when she picked up the trail once again.
"I need to know why. Why did it happen?" Jana seemed to holding back a lot. There was a lot going on in her head that she wasn't saying. Shannon couldn't guess exactly what it was, but she could see it clearly on her face.
Shannon had just told Jana that she was to blame. She didn't even mention Mark's name. Jana didn't want to believe it. 'Okay, well, I guess I can't avoid it any longer.'
"Jana, I don't want to hurt you. If I tell you this, it's going to hurt you. I understand that not telling you will still hurt, but I think it might hurt less. Are you sure you want me to tell you?"
"Either you tell me, or I'm going to ask you to leave." Jana was looking at Shannon very calm, with some tension in her jaw and sadness in her eyes.
"Do you want the long story or the short story?" Shannon was stalling to the last. Any words she could throw in front of the oncoming disclosure were welcome delays to the injury that she felt she would unavoidably deal to Jana.
"Long, I think. The more I know, the more I understand, the more of a chance I have to see your side of things, and get over this."
Shannon wasn't sure it would work that way. Sometimes a longer knife just buried itself deeper in your back. In any case, that was what Shannon wanted too. The long version would mean that she could stall more.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Beating around the bush (5)
Laborious.
Ploding.
Tiresome.
Shannon didn't like the weight room, especially when she was there alone. She preferred to work out in the company of friends. It was a Sunday afternoon and there were no familiar faces.
Everyone in the weight room appeared to be students. Coach should be around somewhere... he never seemed to take a day off. She hadn't seen him yet.
While this place had long felt like her home, each year the feeling was increasingly strained. She wasn't a student and yet she kept coming back to the same place to work out. It seemed as if her life was stuck. She had almost given up the routine, but last year it finally paid off. Getting off the road and onto the track had made all the difference. It was like night and day.
Shannon looked around. She had been lost in thought, grinding out her routine. Time to switch stations. The leg press was open, so she grabbed her towel and walked over to it.
She had always been a good cyclist, she had taken to it immediately as a little girl. She loved the sense of freedom it gave her. She loved the speed. Given her competitive nature, it was completely predictable that she would start racing as soon as she was old enough to enter events.
But even with all of her local successes, she had never really stood out in the road events, not at the national level. Always near the top of the list, but never a win, or even a place. Just enough to keep her chasing the dream.
Sure, she won lots of smaller events, but Nationals had always been the next step, and she just wasn't able to get over the hump out on the road. Last year, switching to the Velodrome, which she had always thought she would hate (how boring, right?), she was re-energized. She took her training more seriously. She was focused. She loved it. She took second at Nationals and looked like she had a serious shot at China.
She paused. Too heavy. She set the safety, and crawled out to change the weight. She was doing this one for range of motion, she didn't want to wear her legs out. The last person left it near the max. She looked around the room, 'Who in here thought that was a good idea?'
Yeah, China hadn't happened. It had been awful, but she was mostly over it now, and focused on 2012. She should have another shot at it then. She wasn't that old... not for cycling. A lot could happen in 3 years though, so her intermediate goal was Nationals again. If she could win that, that would make up for not going to China last year... almost.
"God...", she reached for her towel. She hated sweat running into her eyes. It was a pet peeve of hers. She had never gotten used to it. That's one of the reasons she started wearing goggles when she rode. People gave her hell about that when she was younger. Now most people wore glasses or goggles, or something.
She hadn't been in the gym for over a week. Not in the weight room, not even a pick up game of basketball with the other gym rats. She was still riding every day though, except last Friday.
She didn't like that church, and she didn't like the minister who had presided. That had all been her uncle and her brother. They had organized the funeral, she really hadn't had a say in anything. Sure, they told her, but by the time they called her to let her know, it was already arranged.
Not that she had any better ideas, it was her parent's church... the whole family's really. She had grown up going to it, and that was a big part of why she hated it. One of the only big fights she'd had with her mother (there were too many little ones to keep track of, but they don't count) was when she said that she would never step foot in that church again. And she hadn't.
Until Friday.
Shannon closed her eyes. 'Well, Mom, I guess you win that one.'
Shannon had loved her mother and they had been very close. They would fight, and then 5 minutes later they would cry, and hug, and it was all okay. She had a better relationship with her mother than most of her friends had with theirs. Heck, maybe all of her friends. She really told her mother just about everything... just about.
Her father had always seemed to favor Bobby. Dad was always very protective of Shannon, as was Bobby, which annoyed Shannon sometimes, but other times she was grateful for her older brother.
Shannon and her father never told each other secrets. That had always been the exclusive domain of her mother, and it was an important ritual that helped to bond them together. Mom was the official "Keeper of Secrets" for Shannon. Dad and Bobby would take off, go hunting, spend time together. She and her father never really went anywhere together when it was just the two of them.
He would always make time for her at home, asking her about her homework, offering to help her with it. Shannon knew that he loved her... it just seemed that her Dad had a hard time showing it after a certain age, about when she hit her teens.
Well, for one thing, Shannon had grown as tall as he was. It seemed to Shannon that her height really bothered her father. Another thing that caused tension was that her father was against Shannon participating in sports. He lost that fight, thanks to Mom, but it wasn't until her junior year of High School that he really seemed to come around.
That was when Shannon had started winning.
Time to move stations again. Towel tucked in her waistband, she wandered over to the free weights. One wall of the room was a giant mirror. Well, panels of mirrors. She sat on one of the benches and started going through her usual cycle.
Shannon wanted to ask her father "why". Why he had been against athletics for Shannon and then why he changed his mind. She never asked. She had thought there will be plenty of time for that later.
She set the bar down and grabbed her towel. 'Stupid, damn rabbit trails!' Shannon did not want anyone to see her crying here. You don't cry in the weight room.
"Okay, stop thinking about mom and dad," she mumbled to herself. She picked up the bar and changed to curls.
She tried to force herself to think about her plan. What was she going to do leading up to Nationals this year. How early did she need to really get serious again with her diet... when did she need to cut out the bacon and muffins. She would talk to coach about how to ramp up the conditioning and then ask a couple of people who had offered to help from down at USOC. After her performance last year, she had countless offers of help, and at least a dozen business cards.
'Wouldn't hurt to run my plan by them, see what they say,' Shannon thought. 'If people want to help me, I should let them.'
As she was finishing that thought, she noticed a familiar face in the mirror. That face spotted her right away, and was walking over. She set down the bar and wiped the sweat from her face and arms.
"Shannon!"
Shannon was a little taken aback by Julia's enthusiasm. She came right up to her and bent over, grabbing her in a fierce hug. A little slow, Shannon hugged her back, but felt embarrassed.
"Julia? Are you okay?"
Julia laughed and pulled back to look Shannon in the face.
"I was just about to ask you the same thing." Julia was smiling, but her eyebrows were furrowed with worry.
"Oh God, don't get all mushy in here," Shannon said quietly. "Let's go jog a couple laps and talk if you're going to be all touchy feely."
Julia took the chiding well. She seemed reassured to here the familiar sarcasm in Shannon's voice.
Shannon grabbed her towel and looked around to make sure she wasn't forgetting anything. The two of them walked back past the office, and then left down the hallway away from the locker rooms, and towards the door that led out to the practice stadium.
There were some old metal stands along one side of the oval track. The track had been dirt when Shannon had first come to run here as a girl. By the time she was attending the university it had been replaced by a rubber compound. It was pretty firm, but it was much easier on the knees and ankles.
Shannon hadn't done much running in years, 'That's why God made the bicycle," she would joke. She threw the towel over her shoulder and started out at a strong pace.
Julia followed along, but it was a little too fast for convenient conversation. They ran in silence for a lap and a half. When they were on the far side of the track, away from the gym, Shannon slowed to a walk. She edged over to the seating and stopped.
She dabbed her face with the towel then tossed it on the bottom row of the seats. Then she reached back to grab her right foot, pulling it to stretch out her quad, and then did the same with the left.
Shannon smoothed out the towel on the metal seat and sat on top of it. Julia sat on the same bleacher a couple of feet away.
"How's the bionic knee?"
The scar had healed well, it wasn't as ugly as Shannon had feared after the surgery. She had hated that scar at first, but later realized that she didn't hate the scar so much as she was just angry at missing out at her shot to go to China. Coach had gotten the assist on helping her figure that out.
"It's good. Better than good. It still feels a little different if I move it certain ways, but it doesn't hurt. It feels strong."
Preparing for the surgery, Shannon had learned more than she ever wanted about ACL tears. They are pretty common in sports, even more so among women. She thought it was stupid that a cyclist would get that specific injury.
She had cut a corner too tightly in a meaningless road race. She had hit the curb, and caught her front tire in a storm drain when she tried to correct. The tire seized and she was thrown. She landed on her right foot and hyperextended the knee badly. She never felt the "pop" that a lot of people do with that injury, but she also hit the ground a lot harder than most.
"How are you Shannon?" She was obviously not talking about the knee anymore.
Julia was the one who would ride you if she could tell you were dogging it (she always knew), and would still ride you even when you were pushing, she just wouldn't be quite as mean about it. That had made her a great training partner.
This was different though. Even when they had been roommates, Julia was always focused. She could be friendly, she was really funny when she wanted to be, but she wasn't the one to be overly concerned with a person's feelings.
"It's been tough. I'm hanging in there though." Shannon didn't know how much Julia really wanted to know, so she kept it casual.
"Of course it has. We're all shook up." Julia looked at Shannon as if to emphasize her words. "I looked for you in the lobby after the funeral, but I didn't see you."
Shannon nodded. That had been weird.
"Afterwards, when Bobby and I walked out with everyone else, I just kept walking. I didn't feel like I could stand there and have all those people walk by, talking to me. It was ridiculous. I was mourning the death of my parents and they wanted me to stand there and let everyone parade by and tell me how sorry they all were."
Shannon was getting angry. She had thought the idea was horrible, but Bobby and Uncle Ray thought it would be good for everyone. 'Cathartic' was the word they had used. Shannon didn't think that either of them knew what that word meant. Torturous was what it sounded like.
Julia nodded supportively, remaining quiet while Shannon paused.
"I'm sorry if I'm coming off as rude, I know other people were mourning too, it wasn't just about me... but I just couldn't handle it. I couldn't do it. It wasn't an option." Shannon let go of her anger quickly.
"I get that. It was tough for everyone. Especially you... your brother... and your aunt and uncle. You had other family there I didn't even know, it seemed. It was a lot of people."
Shannon looked over at two dormitories across the road on the far side of the track. Someone was hanging a bedsheet out of the window from the building on the left and it was flapping in the breeze.
"I was just worried about you. That's all." Julia was tilting her head a little as she looked at Shannon. Shannon was not used to seeing this side of Julia at all.
The sun was getting low in the sky and the breeze was starting to bite. It was time to say something if she was going to.
"Julia, there's something else. I want you to hear it from me, rather than get a mixed up story from someone else." Shannon's gut was starting to knot up. If this was hard, how bad was it going to be to tell Jana?
Julia nodded.
"Go ahead, tell me. It's fine."
Shannon wondered if the aliens that had taken over Julia would stay happy when she was through telling her about Mark.
"I'm seeing someone." Shannon decided to break it up into chunks if she could. It was a spur of the moment decision, improvisation motivated by cowardice.
Julia seemed surprised by that. An amused smile jumped up onto her face, and she looked genuinely curious. She didn't say anything, but it looked like she really wanted to.
"The thing is, it's someone you don't like so much. I am afraid you are going to be upset... well... for a couple of reasons." Shannon paused again, trying to give Julia time to adjust to each step. This time Julia didn't stay quiet.
"Shit Shannon, you look really worried. Listen, I've known you for years. I was your roommate for crying out loud. We're pretty close." Julia was sounding like Julia now, which was both reassuring and worrisome. The real Julia would bite Shannon's head off.
"Whatever it is, just tell me. I'm a grown up... and unless you tell me that you slept with my husband, I am not going to disown you." Julia had a forced smile on her face, trying to be supportive, but she was concerned.
Shannon looked down at the wedding band on Julia's finger. It was simple. Her husband had offered to get her anything in the whole store, but Julia had picked a plain gold band. She had told him that it was a symbol, not a piece of jewelry.
"Julia. I really messed up." Shannon, looked away. She focused on the bedsheet, still waving at her from the dormitory.
"Do you remember a week ago Friday, when we were out at Mac's?" Shannon was still trying to stall. Maybe it would be easier if she didn't have to actually say it.... "Do you?"
"Yeah, sure. I remember it. Ron and I left before everyone else, he had gone into work early that morning and was really wiped out. I drove him home." Julia was concerned and getting a little impatient.
"Well, do you remember who I was with that night?"
Shannon felt a bit stupid now... it was the kind of thing she had done back in junior high. Angela, a new friend (later to be best friend), had caught on that Shannon had a crush on a boy. Angela was pestering Shannon at lunch, trying to figure out who the boy was. It was a week before school got out for the summer, and they had their yearbooks out. Shannon made Angela guess, going through the pictures of guys, pointing at them until she got it right. It had only taken Angela three tries.
Julia looked puzzled. Maybe irritated too. She was thinking and shaking her head slightly.
"Nobody. You didn't bring anyone. It was me and Ron, and you, and then Jerry was there with Kris...," Julia looked a little less annoyed as she took a mental roll call of the night. "Mark was there, but Jana wasn't... something about working late. Then the only other people there were Tim and Traci... they were late, and arrived just before Ron and I left. That's it. You were there alone."
Shannon nodded, then looked down. Her voice was quiet. "Who was I sitting next to?"
Julia's eyes stared off into the distance for a moment and then her face went blank. Then her eyebrows shot up, and she looked back at Shannon with a strangely tired expression.
"Oh shit." Julia took a breath. "Please tell me you did some group sex thing with Jerry and Kris." Julia was shaking her head faintly while she was speaking. "I think Kris likes you, you know. You could probably ask them about that, I'm sure Jerry is up for it."
The sarcastic joking was a good sign. Julia wouldn't be doing that if she was really upset... at least that's what Shannon was hoping.
Shannon wasn't sure what to say, so she just sat there for a minute. The wind was really getting cold now.
"Let's go get some coffee, this is going to take a while." Julia stood up and started walking back to the locker room and Shannon followed.
They didn't talk while they walked back to the locker room. Shannon did hop in the shower just long enough to rinse off, so Julia was waiting inside the front door by the time Shannon came out.
"Shannon, just tell me this. Do you know what you are doing?" Julia looked at her seriously.
Shannon didn't respond. She didn't know if she could say that she did, truthfully. She didn't want to admit that she didn't.
"Shit." Julia turned and walked outside. She held the door for Shannon for a moment, and they walked over to the bike racks together.
"'Pastries and More' okay with you?" Julia asked while her fingers were fumbling with the lock. The sky was clear and it was getting cold fast. Shannon noticed it in her fingers too.
"Sure." They rode across campus and took a right on South College. They didn't talk while they were riding.
When they got to the shop they found a couple of seats back in the corner. The place always had music playing a little too loud, so even though there were several students there with their laptops, taking advantage of the free wi-fi, Shannon and Julia were able to talk quietly and keep things mostly to themselves.
They spoke for over an hour. Julia went back and forth between being concerned and being angry. Shannon expected the anger and appreciated the concern. Things were going about how Shannon had thought they would, maybe even a little better.
They ended up with an "agreement to disagree". Julia wasn't convinced that Shannon was behaving in her own best interest, and was fairly sympathetic towards Jana in the whole thing. However, Julia also wasn't going to disown Shannon... although she made no similar promises for Mark.
"You know I've never liked him. I've put up with him hanging out with us because you and Jana wanted him there. Shannon, some people are just bad. They can seem okay for a while, but sooner or later they go back to their nature, and then all hell breaks loose."
"Julia, I think that people can grow. I willing to bet that he has."
"Yeah, but babe, you're going all in."
Ploding.
Tiresome.
Shannon didn't like the weight room, especially when she was there alone. She preferred to work out in the company of friends. It was a Sunday afternoon and there were no familiar faces.
Everyone in the weight room appeared to be students. Coach should be around somewhere... he never seemed to take a day off. She hadn't seen him yet.
While this place had long felt like her home, each year the feeling was increasingly strained. She wasn't a student and yet she kept coming back to the same place to work out. It seemed as if her life was stuck. She had almost given up the routine, but last year it finally paid off. Getting off the road and onto the track had made all the difference. It was like night and day.
Shannon looked around. She had been lost in thought, grinding out her routine. Time to switch stations. The leg press was open, so she grabbed her towel and walked over to it.
She had always been a good cyclist, she had taken to it immediately as a little girl. She loved the sense of freedom it gave her. She loved the speed. Given her competitive nature, it was completely predictable that she would start racing as soon as she was old enough to enter events.
But even with all of her local successes, she had never really stood out in the road events, not at the national level. Always near the top of the list, but never a win, or even a place. Just enough to keep her chasing the dream.
Sure, she won lots of smaller events, but Nationals had always been the next step, and she just wasn't able to get over the hump out on the road. Last year, switching to the Velodrome, which she had always thought she would hate (how boring, right?), she was re-energized. She took her training more seriously. She was focused. She loved it. She took second at Nationals and looked like she had a serious shot at China.
She paused. Too heavy. She set the safety, and crawled out to change the weight. She was doing this one for range of motion, she didn't want to wear her legs out. The last person left it near the max. She looked around the room, 'Who in here thought that was a good idea?'
Yeah, China hadn't happened. It had been awful, but she was mostly over it now, and focused on 2012. She should have another shot at it then. She wasn't that old... not for cycling. A lot could happen in 3 years though, so her intermediate goal was Nationals again. If she could win that, that would make up for not going to China last year... almost.
"God...", she reached for her towel. She hated sweat running into her eyes. It was a pet peeve of hers. She had never gotten used to it. That's one of the reasons she started wearing goggles when she rode. People gave her hell about that when she was younger. Now most people wore glasses or goggles, or something.
She hadn't been in the gym for over a week. Not in the weight room, not even a pick up game of basketball with the other gym rats. She was still riding every day though, except last Friday.
She didn't like that church, and she didn't like the minister who had presided. That had all been her uncle and her brother. They had organized the funeral, she really hadn't had a say in anything. Sure, they told her, but by the time they called her to let her know, it was already arranged.
Not that she had any better ideas, it was her parent's church... the whole family's really. She had grown up going to it, and that was a big part of why she hated it. One of the only big fights she'd had with her mother (there were too many little ones to keep track of, but they don't count) was when she said that she would never step foot in that church again. And she hadn't.
Until Friday.
Shannon closed her eyes. 'Well, Mom, I guess you win that one.'
Shannon had loved her mother and they had been very close. They would fight, and then 5 minutes later they would cry, and hug, and it was all okay. She had a better relationship with her mother than most of her friends had with theirs. Heck, maybe all of her friends. She really told her mother just about everything... just about.
Her father had always seemed to favor Bobby. Dad was always very protective of Shannon, as was Bobby, which annoyed Shannon sometimes, but other times she was grateful for her older brother.
Shannon and her father never told each other secrets. That had always been the exclusive domain of her mother, and it was an important ritual that helped to bond them together. Mom was the official "Keeper of Secrets" for Shannon. Dad and Bobby would take off, go hunting, spend time together. She and her father never really went anywhere together when it was just the two of them.
He would always make time for her at home, asking her about her homework, offering to help her with it. Shannon knew that he loved her... it just seemed that her Dad had a hard time showing it after a certain age, about when she hit her teens.
Well, for one thing, Shannon had grown as tall as he was. It seemed to Shannon that her height really bothered her father. Another thing that caused tension was that her father was against Shannon participating in sports. He lost that fight, thanks to Mom, but it wasn't until her junior year of High School that he really seemed to come around.
That was when Shannon had started winning.
Time to move stations again. Towel tucked in her waistband, she wandered over to the free weights. One wall of the room was a giant mirror. Well, panels of mirrors. She sat on one of the benches and started going through her usual cycle.
Shannon wanted to ask her father "why". Why he had been against athletics for Shannon and then why he changed his mind. She never asked. She had thought there will be plenty of time for that later.
She set the bar down and grabbed her towel. 'Stupid, damn rabbit trails!' Shannon did not want anyone to see her crying here. You don't cry in the weight room.
"Okay, stop thinking about mom and dad," she mumbled to herself. She picked up the bar and changed to curls.
She tried to force herself to think about her plan. What was she going to do leading up to Nationals this year. How early did she need to really get serious again with her diet... when did she need to cut out the bacon and muffins. She would talk to coach about how to ramp up the conditioning and then ask a couple of people who had offered to help from down at USOC. After her performance last year, she had countless offers of help, and at least a dozen business cards.
'Wouldn't hurt to run my plan by them, see what they say,' Shannon thought. 'If people want to help me, I should let them.'
As she was finishing that thought, she noticed a familiar face in the mirror. That face spotted her right away, and was walking over. She set down the bar and wiped the sweat from her face and arms.
"Shannon!"
Shannon was a little taken aback by Julia's enthusiasm. She came right up to her and bent over, grabbing her in a fierce hug. A little slow, Shannon hugged her back, but felt embarrassed.
"Julia? Are you okay?"
Julia laughed and pulled back to look Shannon in the face.
"I was just about to ask you the same thing." Julia was smiling, but her eyebrows were furrowed with worry.
"Oh God, don't get all mushy in here," Shannon said quietly. "Let's go jog a couple laps and talk if you're going to be all touchy feely."
Julia took the chiding well. She seemed reassured to here the familiar sarcasm in Shannon's voice.
Shannon grabbed her towel and looked around to make sure she wasn't forgetting anything. The two of them walked back past the office, and then left down the hallway away from the locker rooms, and towards the door that led out to the practice stadium.
There were some old metal stands along one side of the oval track. The track had been dirt when Shannon had first come to run here as a girl. By the time she was attending the university it had been replaced by a rubber compound. It was pretty firm, but it was much easier on the knees and ankles.
Shannon hadn't done much running in years, 'That's why God made the bicycle," she would joke. She threw the towel over her shoulder and started out at a strong pace.
Julia followed along, but it was a little too fast for convenient conversation. They ran in silence for a lap and a half. When they were on the far side of the track, away from the gym, Shannon slowed to a walk. She edged over to the seating and stopped.
She dabbed her face with the towel then tossed it on the bottom row of the seats. Then she reached back to grab her right foot, pulling it to stretch out her quad, and then did the same with the left.
Shannon smoothed out the towel on the metal seat and sat on top of it. Julia sat on the same bleacher a couple of feet away.
"How's the bionic knee?"
The scar had healed well, it wasn't as ugly as Shannon had feared after the surgery. She had hated that scar at first, but later realized that she didn't hate the scar so much as she was just angry at missing out at her shot to go to China. Coach had gotten the assist on helping her figure that out.
"It's good. Better than good. It still feels a little different if I move it certain ways, but it doesn't hurt. It feels strong."
Preparing for the surgery, Shannon had learned more than she ever wanted about ACL tears. They are pretty common in sports, even more so among women. She thought it was stupid that a cyclist would get that specific injury.
She had cut a corner too tightly in a meaningless road race. She had hit the curb, and caught her front tire in a storm drain when she tried to correct. The tire seized and she was thrown. She landed on her right foot and hyperextended the knee badly. She never felt the "pop" that a lot of people do with that injury, but she also hit the ground a lot harder than most.
"How are you Shannon?" She was obviously not talking about the knee anymore.
Julia was the one who would ride you if she could tell you were dogging it (she always knew), and would still ride you even when you were pushing, she just wouldn't be quite as mean about it. That had made her a great training partner.
This was different though. Even when they had been roommates, Julia was always focused. She could be friendly, she was really funny when she wanted to be, but she wasn't the one to be overly concerned with a person's feelings.
"It's been tough. I'm hanging in there though." Shannon didn't know how much Julia really wanted to know, so she kept it casual.
"Of course it has. We're all shook up." Julia looked at Shannon as if to emphasize her words. "I looked for you in the lobby after the funeral, but I didn't see you."
Shannon nodded. That had been weird.
"Afterwards, when Bobby and I walked out with everyone else, I just kept walking. I didn't feel like I could stand there and have all those people walk by, talking to me. It was ridiculous. I was mourning the death of my parents and they wanted me to stand there and let everyone parade by and tell me how sorry they all were."
Shannon was getting angry. She had thought the idea was horrible, but Bobby and Uncle Ray thought it would be good for everyone. 'Cathartic' was the word they had used. Shannon didn't think that either of them knew what that word meant. Torturous was what it sounded like.
Julia nodded supportively, remaining quiet while Shannon paused.
"I'm sorry if I'm coming off as rude, I know other people were mourning too, it wasn't just about me... but I just couldn't handle it. I couldn't do it. It wasn't an option." Shannon let go of her anger quickly.
"I get that. It was tough for everyone. Especially you... your brother... and your aunt and uncle. You had other family there I didn't even know, it seemed. It was a lot of people."
Shannon looked over at two dormitories across the road on the far side of the track. Someone was hanging a bedsheet out of the window from the building on the left and it was flapping in the breeze.
"I was just worried about you. That's all." Julia was tilting her head a little as she looked at Shannon. Shannon was not used to seeing this side of Julia at all.
The sun was getting low in the sky and the breeze was starting to bite. It was time to say something if she was going to.
"Julia, there's something else. I want you to hear it from me, rather than get a mixed up story from someone else." Shannon's gut was starting to knot up. If this was hard, how bad was it going to be to tell Jana?
Julia nodded.
"Go ahead, tell me. It's fine."
Shannon wondered if the aliens that had taken over Julia would stay happy when she was through telling her about Mark.
"I'm seeing someone." Shannon decided to break it up into chunks if she could. It was a spur of the moment decision, improvisation motivated by cowardice.
Julia seemed surprised by that. An amused smile jumped up onto her face, and she looked genuinely curious. She didn't say anything, but it looked like she really wanted to.
"The thing is, it's someone you don't like so much. I am afraid you are going to be upset... well... for a couple of reasons." Shannon paused again, trying to give Julia time to adjust to each step. This time Julia didn't stay quiet.
"Shit Shannon, you look really worried. Listen, I've known you for years. I was your roommate for crying out loud. We're pretty close." Julia was sounding like Julia now, which was both reassuring and worrisome. The real Julia would bite Shannon's head off.
"Whatever it is, just tell me. I'm a grown up... and unless you tell me that you slept with my husband, I am not going to disown you." Julia had a forced smile on her face, trying to be supportive, but she was concerned.
Shannon looked down at the wedding band on Julia's finger. It was simple. Her husband had offered to get her anything in the whole store, but Julia had picked a plain gold band. She had told him that it was a symbol, not a piece of jewelry.
"Julia. I really messed up." Shannon, looked away. She focused on the bedsheet, still waving at her from the dormitory.
"Do you remember a week ago Friday, when we were out at Mac's?" Shannon was still trying to stall. Maybe it would be easier if she didn't have to actually say it.... "Do you?"
"Yeah, sure. I remember it. Ron and I left before everyone else, he had gone into work early that morning and was really wiped out. I drove him home." Julia was concerned and getting a little impatient.
"Well, do you remember who I was with that night?"
Shannon felt a bit stupid now... it was the kind of thing she had done back in junior high. Angela, a new friend (later to be best friend), had caught on that Shannon had a crush on a boy. Angela was pestering Shannon at lunch, trying to figure out who the boy was. It was a week before school got out for the summer, and they had their yearbooks out. Shannon made Angela guess, going through the pictures of guys, pointing at them until she got it right. It had only taken Angela three tries.
Julia looked puzzled. Maybe irritated too. She was thinking and shaking her head slightly.
"Nobody. You didn't bring anyone. It was me and Ron, and you, and then Jerry was there with Kris...," Julia looked a little less annoyed as she took a mental roll call of the night. "Mark was there, but Jana wasn't... something about working late. Then the only other people there were Tim and Traci... they were late, and arrived just before Ron and I left. That's it. You were there alone."
Shannon nodded, then looked down. Her voice was quiet. "Who was I sitting next to?"
Julia's eyes stared off into the distance for a moment and then her face went blank. Then her eyebrows shot up, and she looked back at Shannon with a strangely tired expression.
"Oh shit." Julia took a breath. "Please tell me you did some group sex thing with Jerry and Kris." Julia was shaking her head faintly while she was speaking. "I think Kris likes you, you know. You could probably ask them about that, I'm sure Jerry is up for it."
The sarcastic joking was a good sign. Julia wouldn't be doing that if she was really upset... at least that's what Shannon was hoping.
Shannon wasn't sure what to say, so she just sat there for a minute. The wind was really getting cold now.
"Let's go get some coffee, this is going to take a while." Julia stood up and started walking back to the locker room and Shannon followed.
They didn't talk while they walked back to the locker room. Shannon did hop in the shower just long enough to rinse off, so Julia was waiting inside the front door by the time Shannon came out.
"Shannon, just tell me this. Do you know what you are doing?" Julia looked at her seriously.
Shannon didn't respond. She didn't know if she could say that she did, truthfully. She didn't want to admit that she didn't.
"Shit." Julia turned and walked outside. She held the door for Shannon for a moment, and they walked over to the bike racks together.
"'Pastries and More' okay with you?" Julia asked while her fingers were fumbling with the lock. The sky was clear and it was getting cold fast. Shannon noticed it in her fingers too.
"Sure." They rode across campus and took a right on South College. They didn't talk while they were riding.
When they got to the shop they found a couple of seats back in the corner. The place always had music playing a little too loud, so even though there were several students there with their laptops, taking advantage of the free wi-fi, Shannon and Julia were able to talk quietly and keep things mostly to themselves.
They spoke for over an hour. Julia went back and forth between being concerned and being angry. Shannon expected the anger and appreciated the concern. Things were going about how Shannon had thought they would, maybe even a little better.
They ended up with an "agreement to disagree". Julia wasn't convinced that Shannon was behaving in her own best interest, and was fairly sympathetic towards Jana in the whole thing. However, Julia also wasn't going to disown Shannon... although she made no similar promises for Mark.
"You know I've never liked him. I've put up with him hanging out with us because you and Jana wanted him there. Shannon, some people are just bad. They can seem okay for a while, but sooner or later they go back to their nature, and then all hell breaks loose."
"Julia, I think that people can grow. I willing to bet that he has."
"Yeah, but babe, you're going all in."
Friday, February 20, 2009
Bicycle worksheet
Main Character:
Name: Shannon Redding
Age: 27
H: 5'11"
W: 142
Type: ESFP
Hometown: Grew up in Fort Collins, CO (Tennyson Heights) and still lives near there. She spends time in Colorado Springs at the USOC Training Center.
Degree: BS in Biology from Colorado State University (Biological Science)
Job: She has had a series of part time jobs, most recently at the Barnes and Noble near Boardwalk Plaza.
About Shannon: Shannon is a competitive bicyclist. She rode a lot in high school, but got serious when she went to college, joining the Rams team in the Rocky Mountain Collegiate Cycling Conference. She used to compete in various road events, but has fallen in love with track cycling, focusing her attention on training for the Team and Individual Pursuit events. She played basketball in high school, and also enjoys swimming, rafting, and rock climbing.
Shannon likes to spend a lot of time with her friends and team mates. She goes out frequently, but never breaks her "two drink rule", and never drinks when training hard leading up to an event. She was a solid B- student... never excelling, but getting lots of help from her friends, and keeping a disciplined study schedule.
She is putting off looking for a career. After her break out performance at last year's US Championships (she placed 2nd in the Women's Individual Pursuit, and her team placed 3rd) she is making a run at the US team for World's, with the ultimate goal of making it to the Olympics.
---
Supporting Character:
Name: Mark Spencer
Age: 25
H: 6'3"
W: 180
Type: ENFJ
Hometown: Denver, CO
Degree: BS in Business Administration from the University of Southern California (International Relations).
MS in Business Administration, GSSE (in progress) at Colorado State University.
Job: Mark works, when he wants to, in various jobs for his parents business, a chain of home electronics/furnishing stores (Spencer's Home Furnishings).
About Mark: Mark is a competitive swimmer. In high school he was a solid 2 guard for his basketball team, but he excelled at swimming. He was individual state champion 2 years in a row, his Junior and Senior years of high school. He ended up going to USC for the swim program, as well as for the lifestyle.
Mark's family is not "rich", but they are very "comfortable", and they have helped him a lot. He has always planned to go somewhere else, and do something big with his life... preferably making lots of money. For now he is back, close to home, almost finished with his Masters degree.
He is trying to make the US Swim team for Worlds, but he is starting to show his age. He used to compete in several events, but now is focused mostly on the 400 Free. He was never a sprinter, tending to swim 400 and 800 events. He considers this his last chance to make something happen.
---
Supporting Character:
Name: Janet "Jana" Phillips
Age: 26 (10/13/1983)
H: 5'8"
W: 145
Type: INTP
Hometown: Fort Collins, CO
Degree: Double Major, BS in Business Management and in Psychology.
Job: Jana works as a Human Resources Manager at Riley and Whitman, Inc., a local manufacturing business.
About Jana: Jana is something of a "Renaissance Woman", with interests all over the map. She tends to keep to herself, and a small, comfortable circle of friends. While she is passionate, and has a bit of a temper, she tends to make decisions rationally. She had considered another degree in Philosophy, but gave it up when she realized that it wouldn't get her anything substantial.
Jana is slow to make friends, but loving and loyal to the ones she has. She enjoys social settings, but is slow to make conversation, preferring to watch what is happening around her. She is drawn to people who are different from her, being fascinated by learning all she can from them.
She has a lot of specific beliefs about the world and human beings that she acts on in her daily life. This exhibits itself as behaviors that some refer to as "quirks". She is not offended by that label, but loves to discuss her ideas with those who she feels somewhat close to.
---
Others:
Julia Houk: ISTJ. Bicyclist who was a team mate of Shannon's in college. Now a training buddy. Used to be room mates as well, sharing an apartment, but that ended when Julia moved in with her fiance, Ron, just over a year ago (now married). Part of the cluster that Shannon spends a lot of time with.
Robert Redding: Shannon refers to her older brother as "Bobby", a childhood nickname, and he hates it. Robert has always been protective of her, and looked out for her even when she might not have realized it. He loves her very much, and is very aware of it now that their parents are gone. He lost a very good job about a month ago when the company he was working for closed. He has never been married and currently unemployed.
Angela Bakerson Reiner: Angela was Shannon's best friend in high school. She was a casual athlete, much more focused on academics. Helped Shannon through more than one class. Once they enrolled at CSU she and Shannon started to drift apart. They occasionally get together to catch up, but they aren't as close as they once were.
Sarah Bakerson: Angela's baby sister. Mark dated her for a while, but things went poorly.
Coach Scott Pamplin: "Coach" was the head of the Rams cycling teams (Men's and Women's) when Shannon was in college. He is very protective of his girls, and has been helping Shannon while she trains at home.
Raymond Redding: Shannon's uncle, her father's older brother. Raymond lives in Denver, and has worked for the same print shop for 16 years. He was in Shannon's life from time to time, especially holidays and family birthdays. He would occasionally get Broncos tickets from the owner of the print shop where he works and invite them down to Denver for the game.
Jerry Kline: A former study buddy of Shannon's, he has held various jobs in Fort Collins since graduating, but hasn't settled into anything solid. Jerry is also big on dating and low on commitment. He is currently seeing Kris Collins, but they tend to spend as much time arguing as they do getting along.
Kris Collins: Kris is Jerry's girlfriend. She has been spending some time in Shannon's circle of friends, but is a new addition.
Traci Patton: Traci is an old friend of Jerry's. She was part of the original clique in college that centered on Shannon, Julia, Jerry, and Traci. People come and people go, but they were at the core. Traci seems to know everyone and has an impressive job that takes up more and more of her time.
Tim Patton: Tim is Traci's husband. He was brought into the circle by Traci, but has been around for years. Tim is spending less time hanging out because of other responsibilities.
Name: Shannon Redding
Age: 27
H: 5'11"
W: 142
Type: ESFP
Hometown: Grew up in Fort Collins, CO (Tennyson Heights) and still lives near there. She spends time in Colorado Springs at the USOC Training Center.
Degree: BS in Biology from Colorado State University (Biological Science)
Job: She has had a series of part time jobs, most recently at the Barnes and Noble near Boardwalk Plaza.
About Shannon: Shannon is a competitive bicyclist. She rode a lot in high school, but got serious when she went to college, joining the Rams team in the Rocky Mountain Collegiate Cycling Conference. She used to compete in various road events, but has fallen in love with track cycling, focusing her attention on training for the Team and Individual Pursuit events. She played basketball in high school, and also enjoys swimming, rafting, and rock climbing.
Shannon likes to spend a lot of time with her friends and team mates. She goes out frequently, but never breaks her "two drink rule", and never drinks when training hard leading up to an event. She was a solid B- student... never excelling, but getting lots of help from her friends, and keeping a disciplined study schedule.
She is putting off looking for a career. After her break out performance at last year's US Championships (she placed 2nd in the Women's Individual Pursuit, and her team placed 3rd) she is making a run at the US team for World's, with the ultimate goal of making it to the Olympics.
---
Supporting Character:
Name: Mark Spencer
Age: 25
H: 6'3"
W: 180
Type: ENFJ
Hometown: Denver, CO
Degree: BS in Business Administration from the University of Southern California (International Relations).
MS in Business Administration, GSSE (in progress) at Colorado State University.
Job: Mark works, when he wants to, in various jobs for his parents business, a chain of home electronics/furnishing stores (Spencer's Home Furnishings).
About Mark: Mark is a competitive swimmer. In high school he was a solid 2 guard for his basketball team, but he excelled at swimming. He was individual state champion 2 years in a row, his Junior and Senior years of high school. He ended up going to USC for the swim program, as well as for the lifestyle.
Mark's family is not "rich", but they are very "comfortable", and they have helped him a lot. He has always planned to go somewhere else, and do something big with his life... preferably making lots of money. For now he is back, close to home, almost finished with his Masters degree.
He is trying to make the US Swim team for Worlds, but he is starting to show his age. He used to compete in several events, but now is focused mostly on the 400 Free. He was never a sprinter, tending to swim 400 and 800 events. He considers this his last chance to make something happen.
---
Supporting Character:
Name: Janet "Jana" Phillips
Age: 26 (10/13/1983)
H: 5'8"
W: 145
Type: INTP
Hometown: Fort Collins, CO
Degree: Double Major, BS in Business Management and in Psychology.
Job: Jana works as a Human Resources Manager at Riley and Whitman, Inc., a local manufacturing business.
About Jana: Jana is something of a "Renaissance Woman", with interests all over the map. She tends to keep to herself, and a small, comfortable circle of friends. While she is passionate, and has a bit of a temper, she tends to make decisions rationally. She had considered another degree in Philosophy, but gave it up when she realized that it wouldn't get her anything substantial.
Jana is slow to make friends, but loving and loyal to the ones she has. She enjoys social settings, but is slow to make conversation, preferring to watch what is happening around her. She is drawn to people who are different from her, being fascinated by learning all she can from them.
She has a lot of specific beliefs about the world and human beings that she acts on in her daily life. This exhibits itself as behaviors that some refer to as "quirks". She is not offended by that label, but loves to discuss her ideas with those who she feels somewhat close to.
---
Others:
Julia Houk: ISTJ. Bicyclist who was a team mate of Shannon's in college. Now a training buddy. Used to be room mates as well, sharing an apartment, but that ended when Julia moved in with her fiance, Ron, just over a year ago (now married). Part of the cluster that Shannon spends a lot of time with.
Robert Redding: Shannon refers to her older brother as "Bobby", a childhood nickname, and he hates it. Robert has always been protective of her, and looked out for her even when she might not have realized it. He loves her very much, and is very aware of it now that their parents are gone. He lost a very good job about a month ago when the company he was working for closed. He has never been married and currently unemployed.
Angela Bakerson Reiner: Angela was Shannon's best friend in high school. She was a casual athlete, much more focused on academics. Helped Shannon through more than one class. Once they enrolled at CSU she and Shannon started to drift apart. They occasionally get together to catch up, but they aren't as close as they once were.
Sarah Bakerson: Angela's baby sister. Mark dated her for a while, but things went poorly.
Coach Scott Pamplin: "Coach" was the head of the Rams cycling teams (Men's and Women's) when Shannon was in college. He is very protective of his girls, and has been helping Shannon while she trains at home.
Raymond Redding: Shannon's uncle, her father's older brother. Raymond lives in Denver, and has worked for the same print shop for 16 years. He was in Shannon's life from time to time, especially holidays and family birthdays. He would occasionally get Broncos tickets from the owner of the print shop where he works and invite them down to Denver for the game.
Jerry Kline: A former study buddy of Shannon's, he has held various jobs in Fort Collins since graduating, but hasn't settled into anything solid. Jerry is also big on dating and low on commitment. He is currently seeing Kris Collins, but they tend to spend as much time arguing as they do getting along.
Kris Collins: Kris is Jerry's girlfriend. She has been spending some time in Shannon's circle of friends, but is a new addition.
Traci Patton: Traci is an old friend of Jerry's. She was part of the original clique in college that centered on Shannon, Julia, Jerry, and Traci. People come and people go, but they were at the core. Traci seems to know everyone and has an impressive job that takes up more and more of her time.
Tim Patton: Tim is Traci's husband. He was brought into the circle by Traci, but has been around for years. Tim is spending less time hanging out because of other responsibilities.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
The Talk (4)
Mark was lying still, face down, with his head on a pillow. The pillow was at a funny angle, but he didn't want to move right then. Shannon was laying halfway on top of him, and it was one of those moments you don't want to disturb.
He didn't know what was next, so he didn't want to do anything. A nonchalant farewell on the way out the door was not the right answer. It was Saturday (was it Saturday?), so he didn't need to be anywhere until afternoon, he had time to kill.
His previous plan had been to spend the night, say some supportive things, maybe make her breakfast in bed, and then take off. Now things seemed to be a bit more complicated.
Last Saturday morning had been really awkward, for both of them. That much was obvious to Mark. There were forced smiles, and some uncomfortable looks, and then he left. He didn't want it to be that way again, but he had no clue what to say. He didn't know what she wanted. He didn't know how emotionally stable she was. She didn't seem about to kill herself, he was pretty sure she was going to be alright.
'Damnit, I don't want her to just say all of this was because she was needy.' The idea hit him in the stomach. It was followed up by an even worse thought, 'I didn't take advantage of her, did I? Was I supposed to back off, tell her the time wasn't right?'
He tried not to move, but his guts were squirming as he started thinking of worst case scenarios. He stopped himself. 'I've never been insecure over a girl in my life. What the hell is going on with me?'
Shannon rolled over, off of his side, and seemed to be getting up.
"What's up?" He thought it sounded stupid, but it was the only thing that came to mind. He felt nervous. It was very unsettling. This was not usual.
She stood up and turned to face him, standing by the bed. He couldn't take his eyes off of her.
"Well, you had a shower this morning, but I didn't, so...," she let the sentence trail off with a hint of sarcasm. It wasn't biting, more playful.
Mark smiled, and then rolled over and laid on his back, putting his hands behind his head, and watched her as she walked into the bathroom.
'Damn.' He thought appreciatively. He had been with many women but had no clue what was so different about Shannon. Well, maybe he had a clue. The feeling of insecurity seemed to get a little stronger, but he tried to put it out of his mind.
He listened carefully to the sounds she was making in the bathroom. The squeak of the handles as she turned on the water. The change of tone when she pulled the lever in the tub to redirect the flow up to the shower nozzle. After that, everything was muffled by the sound of falling water.
He remembered the idea about breakfast, thanks to a growl from his stomach, and decided to do something about it. He pulled on his t-shirt and boxers and headed into the kitchen to explore the supplies.
As he poked around the refrigerator he found some surprises. Bacon?! He smirked. She was off her training diet. There were eggs, some muffins, an uncooked t-bone still in the shrink wrap from the store. He was going to have to tease her about this.
He pulled out the bacon and eggs. He also found half a loaf of wheat bread on top of the refrigerator and set it down on the counter. He found a toaster in one cabinet, and then a frying pan in another.
Thinking for a moment, he looked back in the refrigerator, found a tub of margarine, and put it on the counter too.
By the time Shannon was done with her shower Mark had a pile of bacon draining onto a paper towel and was finishing up some eggs.
"Oh my God...," her voice was faint from the other room.
She stepped out into the front room and was walking across the hardwood floors to the kitchen. Her voice was louder this time.
"Oh my God! Mark, what are you doing?" The concern in her voice made him want to laugh. He couldn't help but smile.
"Really? Bacon and eggs? Shannon, this is hardly the kind of food you should have laying around the place. I can't believe this is on your meal plan."
He looked over his shoulder to see her standing behind him in the dark green terrycloth robe that he'd seen hanging from a hook on the back of the bathroom door. She wore a look of embarrassed distress on her face. She was constantly riding him about what he ate when they were out somewhere. To find out that she wasn't so perfect was a great opportunity for revenge.
"I'm not really... I'm riding a lot, and there isn't anything timed this month. It's fine...," she trailed off as she walked up behind him, then launched in again with a new tactic.
"Besides, you eat like a pig all the time, who are you...." she was abruptly cut off when Mark turned around and jabbed a piece of bacon at her mouth. She closed her mouth at first, but then gave a wry smile and let him feed it to her.
She chewed the bacon while he slid the eggs out of the pan onto the two empty plates he'd set on the counter. "Mark, don't tell Pamplin. Or Julia. Mark, just don't tell anyone, okay?"
"Sit. It's almost ready." She aimed a mock frown in his direction and stepped over to the table.
Hers was a very small one bedroom apartment, but she had a small dining room table with two rickety old chairs with a gaudy green swirling design covered in plastic. They looked like something from late 60's. She'd gotten the set for $20 from a store down on Main street. At first she thought it had been a deal, but then she realized that significant amounts of packing tape on the underside of each piece was almost the only thing holding them together.
Bacon was added to the plates, the toast popped up, and breakfast was served. Mark looked at the empty chair suspiciously.
"Isn't that the chair you told me not to sit in?"
Shannon was spreading margarine on a piece of toast. "Maybe, try it and find out."
He pushed on the back of the chair, gave it a shake. It creaked a little, but held together. Mark sat down gingerly, and looked over at Shannon. The two of them looked a little silly sitting at the table. It was very small and the chairs looked like they were made for someone larger than a child, but smaller than a full-sized adult.
"This table is tiny."
"Yeah, well, I don't have much space... and I'm usually eating alone in here." Mark realized that he was more than a little happy to have made breakfast for her, even something as simple as this. Once again, he felt amazed at how hard he seemed to be falling for Shannon.
They ate in silence for a bit. It was okay, nothing special. Since he was cooking, he made the bacon crispy. That's how he liked it. No jam for the toast, but that was fine.
"Oh man!" Shannon stood up and looked in the refrigerator. She only had to take a couple of steps. The table was really in the kitchen. There wasn't a real dining room, just a few extra feet of space... enough for a really small table.
"Damn, no orange juice. That would've been perfect." She came back to the table. Mark noticed that she sat down carefully as well. The chair he was sitting on wobbled whenever he shifted his weight, so he was trying to keep that to a minimum.
"Is that steak on your meal plan?" Mark was enjoying himself, and wanted one last barb.
The look she gave him was great, but she didn't dignify his question with a response. He noticed that her eyes looked dark, sunken in. She had been crying a lot and she was probably tired from not resting well the past few nights.
They finished eating in silence. It wasn't a lot of food, but it was filling none the less. A couple of times they would look up, catch the other's glance and smile. Mark felt foolish, but he was too happy to fight it. He wasn't 17 any more, flirting with a girl in the high school cafeteria, but that's how he felt.
"Thank you." Her head was tilted down a bit and she was giving him that same look... the one where she would look up at him and bite her lip. It really got to him. He was pretty sure it would get to anyone.
"For what?"
"For breakfast, silly. You made me breakfast." He could tell she was flirting. He smiled.
"It was your food."
"Yeah." She looked around for something and didn't see it, so she stood up and went to the cabinet up above the refrigerator. Mark thought to himself that a lot of women wouldn't be able to reach that high. He'd never really thought that he was attracted to tall women, but that was one of the many things he seemed to like about Shannon.
"You forgot napkins," she said while she was still stretching up to the cabinet. She brought down a tacky, green, plastic napkin holder with some napkins, and set it on the table against the wall. She sat back down, grabbed a napkin, and wiped her mouth.
"Nobody else has ever made me breakfast... except my parents." She looked down.
They were quiet again for a bit. They were both done eating, but Mark still didn't know what was next. He was always the one to take the lead in his other relationships. With Shannon he would feel uncertain, regularly. It bothered him, but when he looked at her, he just found himself smiling again.
She gave him a small smile back, but then something seemed to darken her face for a moment.
"Want to join me on the couch?"
"Okay."
The chair Mark was sitting in gave a creak when he stood up, so he was grateful to move over to the couch. It was not a normal living room, exactly. It was less than 10 feet from the kitchen, in between that room and the hallway with the front door.
They both sat on opposite ends of the couch, and turned to face each other. Shannon pulled her legs up and folded them underneath her. He put his arm on the back of the couch.
"I think we should talk."
Mark forced a small smile. The five words no man wants to hear.
"Okay, you first."
She gave a faint smile at his response, and then looked down for a moment.
"This last week has been really rough." She looked back up mid-sentence, but she didn't look at him. It seemed the sadness from last night was back in her eyes. She avoided making eye contact, looking at the blank walls of the room instead.
"I just think we should talk about it. That's all. I'm not springing any crazy shit on you. I hope you don't have anything crazy to tell me either. But I think we need to talk about it." Now she did look at him. She seemed a bit sad. Some of the vulnerability that she showed last night was back. There was something very attractive about that.
He nodded, hoping that she would go on. He certainly had a lot of feelings about the last week, but he didn't know that he had words for any of it yet. It was all still a mess in his head.
A hint of frustration flashed across her face, but then she started talking again.
"Last Friday I did something I never thought I would do. I betrayed my best friend." She squinted a bit and was biting her lip. "I introduced the two of you, I set you up...," Mark considered interrupting her here, but decided to let her go, and say something later. "... and then last Friday, we...," She looked Mark square in the eyes, and gave a sad smile.
He nodded again, raised his eyebrows and smiled back. Something told him to stay quiet a bit longer.
"I freaked out a little. I mean, the next morning. I was in shock, that I had... that we had done... that... and, well, I started feeling really bad about myself." She seemed to be looking at him oddly, he couldn't place what it was. A tilt of the head. Furrowed eye brows. Curiosity. Was she watching him for a reaction?
Suddenly her eyes went big, and she put up a hand between them.
"No, no... I'm not saying..." She seemed flustered. This time he shook his head and had to say something.
"It's okay. I get it." He tried to reassure her that everything was alright. They were talking over each other.
"... I mean, it was great. I loved it. You were great. But Jana. I felt horrible about Jana." She was continuing her previous sentence, but started to calm down as she heard what he was saying.
"Yeah... yeah... I know. I didn't think you were saying...," Mark let it trail off as he went back to listening to her.
She laughed a little, and he returned a smile to let her know that he wasn't upset.
"Anyway," she let out a big sigh before continuing, "I don't have an answer for that yet. I still haven't talked to Jana. I was going to, and then I got the call on Monday... the accident. I saw her at the funeral, but we didn't talk." Shannon was shaking her head a little as she was thinking everything through.
"I don't even know what happened between you two. I mean, I made some assumptions...," Shannon looked up at Mark with the same look of curiosity she had shown before.
Mark frowned for a moment, but then stopped. He took a moment to look around the room, then he looked back at Shannon. He remembered the fight. He remembered the yelling. He heard Jana's voice again. It hadn't been the first time a woman had yelled at him, and he was sure it wouldn't be the last.
"Mark, I need you to tell me something. I need to know... something." Shannon was looking at him intently now. He opened his mouth to talk, but was still speechless.
"Mark, are you going to go back to Jana? Are you going to try to patch things up? What do you want?" Her face softened. She had been straining before, but now she seemed open. He had to say something.
"Shannon. I want you." He had certainly said that to women before, but he'd never really meant it. Before he'd always said those words leaving off the last two, 'right now'. This time he meant them. It was his turn to feel vulnerable.
"I'm worried too. I know you've been through a lot more than me... I'm not trying say it's equal... but I lost my girlfriend, and I don't know what you want from me, right? We're kind of in the same boat, aren't we?" Mark was wondering how much things had changed. Clearly they were different than last fall. Maybe she had really changed her mind.
"I don't just want you to want me, Mark. 'Wanting me' isn't enough."
After hearing her say that Mark felt certain. He went for it.
"Shannon, I love you." He looked at her as he said it. Her face didn't change at first. Then she tilted her head, that same questioning look she gave earlier. She opened her mouth like she was going to say something, but took a deep breath instead.
"I've loved you for a long time. Before you introduced me to Jana, I asked you out. You were always... I've always had you on a pedestal." Mark was just going with it now. He hoped that he didn't say anything too stupid, but the words were just coming out on their own.
"You're just different. I still haven't got that figured out... at all... but damnit, you're different. I feel different about you than any other girl I've dated. I'm uncertain around you. I'm not smooth. I don't try cheesy lines on you...."
She was smiling now, but she interrupted him at this point.
"'Don't try cheesy lines', what the hell are you talking about?! What about the thing with the 'Are you busy later'...," she was smiling as she went on her mini-rant.
Mark started to think this was going to end really well.
"No, no, no, you're screwing up the line... it's 'Are you going to be busy later... say 3am?'" He chuckled at the memory.
"That was when I first met you, I didn't know you. I just knew that you were hot. Later we talked some, and after you shut me down...," he gave her a playfully wounded glance, "after we talked, I started falling for you, hard. I'm not saying it was love at first sight, I don't believe in that. I believe in lust at first sight, and in all honesty, there was some of that too. You have to talk to someone to fall in love with them..."
He left that hanging for a moment, his face lost the playful expression and grew serious.
"... and when we talked together, I did."
Her face looked intense, still watching him, but without the same curiosity.
"Mark..." she got up and wrapped her arms around him. They held each other.
Mark noticed two things while they were there, holding each other on the second hand (third hand?) couch in her tiny apartment. The first was how good she felt in his arms, and how right it seemed that he was with her. The second was how strong he was feeling his emotions right now. He chided himself again, he never felt this way about anyone. This was new territory for him, he was completely in love with this woman.
Shannon pulled back a little, and he could see that she was beaming at him. She was normally beautiful, but the look of happiness on her face just magnified that.
"Thank you."
"What do you mean?"
"Thank you for opening up, finally. I bet that wasn't easy for you. Thank you for telling me you love me."
Her eyes were tearing up again, but this time there was none of the sadness from before.
"And thank you for making me breakfast."
They sat there, close, and looked at each other for a few moments.
"Mark, I have a lot of mixed feelings about some of things I've done lately. I wish things had happened differently. But, in all honesty, I could feel myself falling for you for a while now. I tried to keep it under wraps. I tried to hide it..."
"You did a good job of that," Mark chided her.
She smiled. "Yeah, until last Friday night...."
He smiled back at her, and went back to listening.
"... anyway, I was staying away from you, and not just because of Jana." She looked at him seriously again. "It seems important that I tell you that."
Mark was not sure he followed her, he looked at her curiously, waiting for her to continue.
She paused and gave him a familiar gaze. It seemed that she was trying to look inside him from time to time, like she was now.
"I don't understand. What do you mean?" He tried to make it seem nonchalant. He was worried that this was going to be big.
"Mark," she drew out his name like she was frustrated with him, but she didn't seem angry. "Mark, you can be such a player." She looked at him like this was a difficult topic.
"Oh." He knew he had a reputation. Hell, he helped to cultivate it.
"Shannon, I don't know what to say, exactly. I mean... we talked about that. I told you everything. I don't know what else to say."
She seemed to think about that for a while. She was still trying to look inside of him. She seemed to be trying to read his mind. In a flash, he got it. She was trying to figure out if she could trust him.
"You remember the thing with Sarah?"
He nodded.
"Well, I didn't tell you this, but I went to high school with her older sister Angela. We were best friends back then." Shannon was watching him closely now, looking for something. "Angela came to talk to me, she wanted your head."
Mark was actually taken aback by that.
"Are you serious? What do you mean?"
"She came to me and told me everything that had happened. Then she told me that it would just take one call to her father, and 'Dad would come down here and take care of the problem.'"
Mark shifted in his seat, and looked around the room briefly. He looked back at Shannon. 'What the hell is going on?' he wondered.
"She sat in my bedroom... no, not here." Shannon noticed that Mark's eyes tracked down the hall to the bedroom of the apartment they were in. "This was what, 2 years ago... long before I really got to know you last fall. I was rooming with Julia back then, and Angela was crying in my bedroom, shaking with anger, talking about 'Mark Spencer', and how she wanted you dead."
"Damn Shannon, don't you think she was overreacting a bit? I mean, I know I hurt Sarah, I'm not proud of that. The really messed up part is that I don't have any excuses. I... I was awful to her. But she wanted me dead? That's ridiculous." Mark felt his discomfort growing. He played through some sort of paranoid scenario where the vindictive older sister 'Angela' was about to jump out of the closet next to the couch with a knife and attack him.
"Yeah...," Shannon nodded, "... she overreacted. But Mark, that's what happens when you hurt people. They overreact, or the people that love them overreact."
"Why are you telling me this? What's the purpose?" Mark was growing defensive. This was really not going well.
Shannon looked down. She furrowed her brow for a moment. When she looked up, the muscles in her face were very tense, her eyes narrow, her lips pressed together.
"I'm telling you this, God damnit, because I've fallen in love with you, and I don't want you doing to me what you did to Sarah." Shannon's face lost some of the anger it was showing, as her chest moved with a sob.
"If I'm going to trust you... if we're going to do this... then I don't want to be second guessing who you're sleeping with when you're not with me..." Shannon's voice was breaking a little, but she kept going. "I don't want you saying horrible things about me while we're still sleeping together." By this point she had lost her intensity, and looked wilted. "I don't want to be a side bet with your friends."
Mark had never felt as low in his life as he did right now. Not only was he re-living the guilt of being a complete loser to Sarah Bakerson, but it was coming back to haunt him, and it was hurting Shannon. That part was the worst. It was almost more than he could bear.
"I don't want you to play me like you've played the others. A part of me feels stupid for letting this happen." Shannon was mostly back in control of her emotions, and seemed to be talking to him with compassion. Perhaps all was not lost, but he felt like dirt.
"There are a lot of men in this world. Why am I going to get together with one who has your reputation? I don't know if Jana will ever forgive me. Angela won't speak to me again if we become a couple. Well, maybe she will now. I don't know. She hasn't mentioned you for a long time. I know Julia thinks you're garbage. She tolerates you because she cares about Jana and I, but she was there that night, and heard a lot of it."
Shannon paused, looking again for something. Her eyes seemed to soften. She reached out a hand and rested it on his cheek. It wasn't until that moment that he realized that he was crying. He could feel the moisture when her hand touched it.
"I want to take a chance on you. I just need to believe that you've grown. I need to believe that you really are the person I've seen the past couple of months... the past couple days."
Mark wanted to say something, but his throat was too tight to speak at that moment.
"And don't think that I'm not aware of the awkwardness of the situation I'm in. I'm not innocent."
Mark had looked down a while back and had been staring at his lap. He looked back up at Shannon, he knew what she meant... Jana.
"So now, I'm going to have a reputation... at least with some people. I screwed over my best friend for some guy. God..." Shannon looked up at the ceiling for a moment, then over at the walls.
Mark finally spoke.
"You keep beating yourself up because of Jana, and I understand why. I could tell you that we never really talked about commitment. I could tell you that Jana and I never really sat around and discussed our relationship at all. We had no plans to live together. We never actually said that we were a couple. I could say all of that, and I wouldn't be lying... but the truth is I would just be trying to weasel out of the fact that I cheated on her."
"You want to know if I've grown. Well, I'm not running away from this, like I did with Sarah. I went and talked to Jana. I apologized. I let her yell at me. I didn't lie. I didn't hide. I didn't do any of the stupid, childish, petty things that you heard about with Sarah."
"That's about all I can say." Mark thought about a couple of other things he could say, but he knew they would just make Shannon feel worse... then he hit on one
"Well," he started again, "there is one more thing I can say." He reached out and touched Shannon's chin to get her to look at him. He made eye contact with a very serious look on his face. "I won't cheat on you."
Shannon nodded. She didn't smile, but she seemed to accept what he said.
They both sat in gloomy silence for several minutes. What had been an amazing morning for Mark had turned into a kind of hellish emotional gauntlet.
"I think I need to go talk to Jana." Shannon's voice was quiet. There was nothing eager about the statement.
"What about us?" Mark asked.
"Well," Shannon sighed. "I'm going to tell Jana how sorry I am that I hurt her. I'm going to let her yell at me too." She looked up with a faint smile when she said that. "And then I'm going to tell her that I love you."
Mark held his arms out, she leaned into him, and they embraced again.
Shannon spoke quietly while her lips were near his ear. "I think we'll have more to talk about... which is probably the last thing you want to hear, after the way this talk went... but I've made my choice. I want to be with you."
He didn't know what was next, so he didn't want to do anything. A nonchalant farewell on the way out the door was not the right answer. It was Saturday (was it Saturday?), so he didn't need to be anywhere until afternoon, he had time to kill.
His previous plan had been to spend the night, say some supportive things, maybe make her breakfast in bed, and then take off. Now things seemed to be a bit more complicated.
Last Saturday morning had been really awkward, for both of them. That much was obvious to Mark. There were forced smiles, and some uncomfortable looks, and then he left. He didn't want it to be that way again, but he had no clue what to say. He didn't know what she wanted. He didn't know how emotionally stable she was. She didn't seem about to kill herself, he was pretty sure she was going to be alright.
'Damnit, I don't want her to just say all of this was because she was needy.' The idea hit him in the stomach. It was followed up by an even worse thought, 'I didn't take advantage of her, did I? Was I supposed to back off, tell her the time wasn't right?'
He tried not to move, but his guts were squirming as he started thinking of worst case scenarios. He stopped himself. 'I've never been insecure over a girl in my life. What the hell is going on with me?'
Shannon rolled over, off of his side, and seemed to be getting up.
"What's up?" He thought it sounded stupid, but it was the only thing that came to mind. He felt nervous. It was very unsettling. This was not usual.
She stood up and turned to face him, standing by the bed. He couldn't take his eyes off of her.
"Well, you had a shower this morning, but I didn't, so...," she let the sentence trail off with a hint of sarcasm. It wasn't biting, more playful.
Mark smiled, and then rolled over and laid on his back, putting his hands behind his head, and watched her as she walked into the bathroom.
'Damn.' He thought appreciatively. He had been with many women but had no clue what was so different about Shannon. Well, maybe he had a clue. The feeling of insecurity seemed to get a little stronger, but he tried to put it out of his mind.
He listened carefully to the sounds she was making in the bathroom. The squeak of the handles as she turned on the water. The change of tone when she pulled the lever in the tub to redirect the flow up to the shower nozzle. After that, everything was muffled by the sound of falling water.
He remembered the idea about breakfast, thanks to a growl from his stomach, and decided to do something about it. He pulled on his t-shirt and boxers and headed into the kitchen to explore the supplies.
As he poked around the refrigerator he found some surprises. Bacon?! He smirked. She was off her training diet. There were eggs, some muffins, an uncooked t-bone still in the shrink wrap from the store. He was going to have to tease her about this.
He pulled out the bacon and eggs. He also found half a loaf of wheat bread on top of the refrigerator and set it down on the counter. He found a toaster in one cabinet, and then a frying pan in another.
Thinking for a moment, he looked back in the refrigerator, found a tub of margarine, and put it on the counter too.
By the time Shannon was done with her shower Mark had a pile of bacon draining onto a paper towel and was finishing up some eggs.
"Oh my God...," her voice was faint from the other room.
She stepped out into the front room and was walking across the hardwood floors to the kitchen. Her voice was louder this time.
"Oh my God! Mark, what are you doing?" The concern in her voice made him want to laugh. He couldn't help but smile.
"Really? Bacon and eggs? Shannon, this is hardly the kind of food you should have laying around the place. I can't believe this is on your meal plan."
He looked over his shoulder to see her standing behind him in the dark green terrycloth robe that he'd seen hanging from a hook on the back of the bathroom door. She wore a look of embarrassed distress on her face. She was constantly riding him about what he ate when they were out somewhere. To find out that she wasn't so perfect was a great opportunity for revenge.
"I'm not really... I'm riding a lot, and there isn't anything timed this month. It's fine...," she trailed off as she walked up behind him, then launched in again with a new tactic.
"Besides, you eat like a pig all the time, who are you...." she was abruptly cut off when Mark turned around and jabbed a piece of bacon at her mouth. She closed her mouth at first, but then gave a wry smile and let him feed it to her.
She chewed the bacon while he slid the eggs out of the pan onto the two empty plates he'd set on the counter. "Mark, don't tell Pamplin. Or Julia. Mark, just don't tell anyone, okay?"
"Sit. It's almost ready." She aimed a mock frown in his direction and stepped over to the table.
Hers was a very small one bedroom apartment, but she had a small dining room table with two rickety old chairs with a gaudy green swirling design covered in plastic. They looked like something from late 60's. She'd gotten the set for $20 from a store down on Main street. At first she thought it had been a deal, but then she realized that significant amounts of packing tape on the underside of each piece was almost the only thing holding them together.
Bacon was added to the plates, the toast popped up, and breakfast was served. Mark looked at the empty chair suspiciously.
"Isn't that the chair you told me not to sit in?"
Shannon was spreading margarine on a piece of toast. "Maybe, try it and find out."
He pushed on the back of the chair, gave it a shake. It creaked a little, but held together. Mark sat down gingerly, and looked over at Shannon. The two of them looked a little silly sitting at the table. It was very small and the chairs looked like they were made for someone larger than a child, but smaller than a full-sized adult.
"This table is tiny."
"Yeah, well, I don't have much space... and I'm usually eating alone in here." Mark realized that he was more than a little happy to have made breakfast for her, even something as simple as this. Once again, he felt amazed at how hard he seemed to be falling for Shannon.
They ate in silence for a bit. It was okay, nothing special. Since he was cooking, he made the bacon crispy. That's how he liked it. No jam for the toast, but that was fine.
"Oh man!" Shannon stood up and looked in the refrigerator. She only had to take a couple of steps. The table was really in the kitchen. There wasn't a real dining room, just a few extra feet of space... enough for a really small table.
"Damn, no orange juice. That would've been perfect." She came back to the table. Mark noticed that she sat down carefully as well. The chair he was sitting on wobbled whenever he shifted his weight, so he was trying to keep that to a minimum.
"Is that steak on your meal plan?" Mark was enjoying himself, and wanted one last barb.
The look she gave him was great, but she didn't dignify his question with a response. He noticed that her eyes looked dark, sunken in. She had been crying a lot and she was probably tired from not resting well the past few nights.
They finished eating in silence. It wasn't a lot of food, but it was filling none the less. A couple of times they would look up, catch the other's glance and smile. Mark felt foolish, but he was too happy to fight it. He wasn't 17 any more, flirting with a girl in the high school cafeteria, but that's how he felt.
"Thank you." Her head was tilted down a bit and she was giving him that same look... the one where she would look up at him and bite her lip. It really got to him. He was pretty sure it would get to anyone.
"For what?"
"For breakfast, silly. You made me breakfast." He could tell she was flirting. He smiled.
"It was your food."
"Yeah." She looked around for something and didn't see it, so she stood up and went to the cabinet up above the refrigerator. Mark thought to himself that a lot of women wouldn't be able to reach that high. He'd never really thought that he was attracted to tall women, but that was one of the many things he seemed to like about Shannon.
"You forgot napkins," she said while she was still stretching up to the cabinet. She brought down a tacky, green, plastic napkin holder with some napkins, and set it on the table against the wall. She sat back down, grabbed a napkin, and wiped her mouth.
"Nobody else has ever made me breakfast... except my parents." She looked down.
They were quiet again for a bit. They were both done eating, but Mark still didn't know what was next. He was always the one to take the lead in his other relationships. With Shannon he would feel uncertain, regularly. It bothered him, but when he looked at her, he just found himself smiling again.
She gave him a small smile back, but then something seemed to darken her face for a moment.
"Want to join me on the couch?"
"Okay."
The chair Mark was sitting in gave a creak when he stood up, so he was grateful to move over to the couch. It was not a normal living room, exactly. It was less than 10 feet from the kitchen, in between that room and the hallway with the front door.
They both sat on opposite ends of the couch, and turned to face each other. Shannon pulled her legs up and folded them underneath her. He put his arm on the back of the couch.
"I think we should talk."
Mark forced a small smile. The five words no man wants to hear.
"Okay, you first."
She gave a faint smile at his response, and then looked down for a moment.
"This last week has been really rough." She looked back up mid-sentence, but she didn't look at him. It seemed the sadness from last night was back in her eyes. She avoided making eye contact, looking at the blank walls of the room instead.
"I just think we should talk about it. That's all. I'm not springing any crazy shit on you. I hope you don't have anything crazy to tell me either. But I think we need to talk about it." Now she did look at him. She seemed a bit sad. Some of the vulnerability that she showed last night was back. There was something very attractive about that.
He nodded, hoping that she would go on. He certainly had a lot of feelings about the last week, but he didn't know that he had words for any of it yet. It was all still a mess in his head.
A hint of frustration flashed across her face, but then she started talking again.
"Last Friday I did something I never thought I would do. I betrayed my best friend." She squinted a bit and was biting her lip. "I introduced the two of you, I set you up...," Mark considered interrupting her here, but decided to let her go, and say something later. "... and then last Friday, we...," She looked Mark square in the eyes, and gave a sad smile.
He nodded again, raised his eyebrows and smiled back. Something told him to stay quiet a bit longer.
"I freaked out a little. I mean, the next morning. I was in shock, that I had... that we had done... that... and, well, I started feeling really bad about myself." She seemed to be looking at him oddly, he couldn't place what it was. A tilt of the head. Furrowed eye brows. Curiosity. Was she watching him for a reaction?
Suddenly her eyes went big, and she put up a hand between them.
"No, no... I'm not saying..." She seemed flustered. This time he shook his head and had to say something.
"It's okay. I get it." He tried to reassure her that everything was alright. They were talking over each other.
"... I mean, it was great. I loved it. You were great. But Jana. I felt horrible about Jana." She was continuing her previous sentence, but started to calm down as she heard what he was saying.
"Yeah... yeah... I know. I didn't think you were saying...," Mark let it trail off as he went back to listening to her.
She laughed a little, and he returned a smile to let her know that he wasn't upset.
"Anyway," she let out a big sigh before continuing, "I don't have an answer for that yet. I still haven't talked to Jana. I was going to, and then I got the call on Monday... the accident. I saw her at the funeral, but we didn't talk." Shannon was shaking her head a little as she was thinking everything through.
"I don't even know what happened between you two. I mean, I made some assumptions...," Shannon looked up at Mark with the same look of curiosity she had shown before.
Mark frowned for a moment, but then stopped. He took a moment to look around the room, then he looked back at Shannon. He remembered the fight. He remembered the yelling. He heard Jana's voice again. It hadn't been the first time a woman had yelled at him, and he was sure it wouldn't be the last.
"Mark, I need you to tell me something. I need to know... something." Shannon was looking at him intently now. He opened his mouth to talk, but was still speechless.
"Mark, are you going to go back to Jana? Are you going to try to patch things up? What do you want?" Her face softened. She had been straining before, but now she seemed open. He had to say something.
"Shannon. I want you." He had certainly said that to women before, but he'd never really meant it. Before he'd always said those words leaving off the last two, 'right now'. This time he meant them. It was his turn to feel vulnerable.
"I'm worried too. I know you've been through a lot more than me... I'm not trying say it's equal... but I lost my girlfriend, and I don't know what you want from me, right? We're kind of in the same boat, aren't we?" Mark was wondering how much things had changed. Clearly they were different than last fall. Maybe she had really changed her mind.
"I don't just want you to want me, Mark. 'Wanting me' isn't enough."
After hearing her say that Mark felt certain. He went for it.
"Shannon, I love you." He looked at her as he said it. Her face didn't change at first. Then she tilted her head, that same questioning look she gave earlier. She opened her mouth like she was going to say something, but took a deep breath instead.
"I've loved you for a long time. Before you introduced me to Jana, I asked you out. You were always... I've always had you on a pedestal." Mark was just going with it now. He hoped that he didn't say anything too stupid, but the words were just coming out on their own.
"You're just different. I still haven't got that figured out... at all... but damnit, you're different. I feel different about you than any other girl I've dated. I'm uncertain around you. I'm not smooth. I don't try cheesy lines on you...."
She was smiling now, but she interrupted him at this point.
"'Don't try cheesy lines', what the hell are you talking about?! What about the thing with the 'Are you busy later'...," she was smiling as she went on her mini-rant.
Mark started to think this was going to end really well.
"No, no, no, you're screwing up the line... it's 'Are you going to be busy later... say 3am?'" He chuckled at the memory.
"That was when I first met you, I didn't know you. I just knew that you were hot. Later we talked some, and after you shut me down...," he gave her a playfully wounded glance, "after we talked, I started falling for you, hard. I'm not saying it was love at first sight, I don't believe in that. I believe in lust at first sight, and in all honesty, there was some of that too. You have to talk to someone to fall in love with them..."
He left that hanging for a moment, his face lost the playful expression and grew serious.
"... and when we talked together, I did."
Her face looked intense, still watching him, but without the same curiosity.
"Mark..." she got up and wrapped her arms around him. They held each other.
Mark noticed two things while they were there, holding each other on the second hand (third hand?) couch in her tiny apartment. The first was how good she felt in his arms, and how right it seemed that he was with her. The second was how strong he was feeling his emotions right now. He chided himself again, he never felt this way about anyone. This was new territory for him, he was completely in love with this woman.
Shannon pulled back a little, and he could see that she was beaming at him. She was normally beautiful, but the look of happiness on her face just magnified that.
"Thank you."
"What do you mean?"
"Thank you for opening up, finally. I bet that wasn't easy for you. Thank you for telling me you love me."
Her eyes were tearing up again, but this time there was none of the sadness from before.
"And thank you for making me breakfast."
They sat there, close, and looked at each other for a few moments.
"Mark, I have a lot of mixed feelings about some of things I've done lately. I wish things had happened differently. But, in all honesty, I could feel myself falling for you for a while now. I tried to keep it under wraps. I tried to hide it..."
"You did a good job of that," Mark chided her.
She smiled. "Yeah, until last Friday night...."
He smiled back at her, and went back to listening.
"... anyway, I was staying away from you, and not just because of Jana." She looked at him seriously again. "It seems important that I tell you that."
Mark was not sure he followed her, he looked at her curiously, waiting for her to continue.
She paused and gave him a familiar gaze. It seemed that she was trying to look inside him from time to time, like she was now.
"I don't understand. What do you mean?" He tried to make it seem nonchalant. He was worried that this was going to be big.
"Mark," she drew out his name like she was frustrated with him, but she didn't seem angry. "Mark, you can be such a player." She looked at him like this was a difficult topic.
"Oh." He knew he had a reputation. Hell, he helped to cultivate it.
"Shannon, I don't know what to say, exactly. I mean... we talked about that. I told you everything. I don't know what else to say."
She seemed to think about that for a while. She was still trying to look inside of him. She seemed to be trying to read his mind. In a flash, he got it. She was trying to figure out if she could trust him.
"You remember the thing with Sarah?"
He nodded.
"Well, I didn't tell you this, but I went to high school with her older sister Angela. We were best friends back then." Shannon was watching him closely now, looking for something. "Angela came to talk to me, she wanted your head."
Mark was actually taken aback by that.
"Are you serious? What do you mean?"
"She came to me and told me everything that had happened. Then she told me that it would just take one call to her father, and 'Dad would come down here and take care of the problem.'"
Mark shifted in his seat, and looked around the room briefly. He looked back at Shannon. 'What the hell is going on?' he wondered.
"She sat in my bedroom... no, not here." Shannon noticed that Mark's eyes tracked down the hall to the bedroom of the apartment they were in. "This was what, 2 years ago... long before I really got to know you last fall. I was rooming with Julia back then, and Angela was crying in my bedroom, shaking with anger, talking about 'Mark Spencer', and how she wanted you dead."
"Damn Shannon, don't you think she was overreacting a bit? I mean, I know I hurt Sarah, I'm not proud of that. The really messed up part is that I don't have any excuses. I... I was awful to her. But she wanted me dead? That's ridiculous." Mark felt his discomfort growing. He played through some sort of paranoid scenario where the vindictive older sister 'Angela' was about to jump out of the closet next to the couch with a knife and attack him.
"Yeah...," Shannon nodded, "... she overreacted. But Mark, that's what happens when you hurt people. They overreact, or the people that love them overreact."
"Why are you telling me this? What's the purpose?" Mark was growing defensive. This was really not going well.
Shannon looked down. She furrowed her brow for a moment. When she looked up, the muscles in her face were very tense, her eyes narrow, her lips pressed together.
"I'm telling you this, God damnit, because I've fallen in love with you, and I don't want you doing to me what you did to Sarah." Shannon's face lost some of the anger it was showing, as her chest moved with a sob.
"If I'm going to trust you... if we're going to do this... then I don't want to be second guessing who you're sleeping with when you're not with me..." Shannon's voice was breaking a little, but she kept going. "I don't want you saying horrible things about me while we're still sleeping together." By this point she had lost her intensity, and looked wilted. "I don't want to be a side bet with your friends."
Mark had never felt as low in his life as he did right now. Not only was he re-living the guilt of being a complete loser to Sarah Bakerson, but it was coming back to haunt him, and it was hurting Shannon. That part was the worst. It was almost more than he could bear.
"I don't want you to play me like you've played the others. A part of me feels stupid for letting this happen." Shannon was mostly back in control of her emotions, and seemed to be talking to him with compassion. Perhaps all was not lost, but he felt like dirt.
"There are a lot of men in this world. Why am I going to get together with one who has your reputation? I don't know if Jana will ever forgive me. Angela won't speak to me again if we become a couple. Well, maybe she will now. I don't know. She hasn't mentioned you for a long time. I know Julia thinks you're garbage. She tolerates you because she cares about Jana and I, but she was there that night, and heard a lot of it."
Shannon paused, looking again for something. Her eyes seemed to soften. She reached out a hand and rested it on his cheek. It wasn't until that moment that he realized that he was crying. He could feel the moisture when her hand touched it.
"I want to take a chance on you. I just need to believe that you've grown. I need to believe that you really are the person I've seen the past couple of months... the past couple days."
Mark wanted to say something, but his throat was too tight to speak at that moment.
"And don't think that I'm not aware of the awkwardness of the situation I'm in. I'm not innocent."
Mark had looked down a while back and had been staring at his lap. He looked back up at Shannon, he knew what she meant... Jana.
"So now, I'm going to have a reputation... at least with some people. I screwed over my best friend for some guy. God..." Shannon looked up at the ceiling for a moment, then over at the walls.
Mark finally spoke.
"You keep beating yourself up because of Jana, and I understand why. I could tell you that we never really talked about commitment. I could tell you that Jana and I never really sat around and discussed our relationship at all. We had no plans to live together. We never actually said that we were a couple. I could say all of that, and I wouldn't be lying... but the truth is I would just be trying to weasel out of the fact that I cheated on her."
"You want to know if I've grown. Well, I'm not running away from this, like I did with Sarah. I went and talked to Jana. I apologized. I let her yell at me. I didn't lie. I didn't hide. I didn't do any of the stupid, childish, petty things that you heard about with Sarah."
"That's about all I can say." Mark thought about a couple of other things he could say, but he knew they would just make Shannon feel worse... then he hit on one
"Well," he started again, "there is one more thing I can say." He reached out and touched Shannon's chin to get her to look at him. He made eye contact with a very serious look on his face. "I won't cheat on you."
Shannon nodded. She didn't smile, but she seemed to accept what he said.
They both sat in gloomy silence for several minutes. What had been an amazing morning for Mark had turned into a kind of hellish emotional gauntlet.
"I think I need to go talk to Jana." Shannon's voice was quiet. There was nothing eager about the statement.
"What about us?" Mark asked.
"Well," Shannon sighed. "I'm going to tell Jana how sorry I am that I hurt her. I'm going to let her yell at me too." She looked up with a faint smile when she said that. "And then I'm going to tell her that I love you."
Mark held his arms out, she leaned into him, and they embraced again.
Shannon spoke quietly while her lips were near his ear. "I think we'll have more to talk about... which is probably the last thing you want to hear, after the way this talk went... but I've made my choice. I want to be with you."
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Alone with the TV (1), first re-write
She had lost count of how many times the television had gone through its cycle. The pattern was familiar. There were the annoying local access channels, one with a college lecture, the next with a city council meeting. Others followed in foreign languages. Nothing good was ever on them.
Waste of time. It was all a waste of time.
Mark and Jana had both called. Both offered to stop by.
A smirk. What if they both showed up at the same time, and saw each other. That wouldn't go over so well.
"Ugh."
Next were the two channels with the religious programming. The first was some guy with too much hair gel (don’t you realize that you’re living a negative stereotype?) preaching in an enormous mega-church.
The second was that woman with long brown hair, who had the strange vocal inflections... she reminded Shannon of the way David Mamet characters speak in some of his movies. She was always teaching some class, like you would sit through in Sunday school. The subject matter was repellant, but the way the woman spoke was fascinating.
She didn't really focus on the channels now. Her thumb would flex at regular intervals without the content registering. She had long since given up hope of finding something to watch, and seemed to be doing a chore.
Washing the dishes. Doing the laundry. Flipping through channels. It’s all the same thing.
A part of her would've liked to have seen Jana tonight, or Mark for that matter, but she had stopped herself from returning their phone calls. She wasn't ready to see anyone. She wanted to be alone. She wanted to be safe.
And everything seemed so pointless. Sure, she could talk to Jana, but it wouldn't change anything. Nothing that she or Jana could say would make things better, at least not yet. All in all, it was better to be alone.
Jana would try, she wouldn't be able to help herself.
Shannon rolled her eyes to the ceiling at the thought.
"Then I would just lose it."
A wave of feelings came, again, as if on cue. She reached over for another tissue from the night stand next to her bed. There was no sobbing this time, just a few tears. Her eyes felt sore from the crying and the tissue.
"God, you're pathetic."
She said it, but she didn't feel it. It could've been a bold statement, but she didn't feel anything bold enough to justify the words.
She was filled with a sense of loss, acute pain passing now and then, bringing more tears, and then chiding from some part of her who wanted to be above it all.
Mark would've been manageable. He would've tried to be supportive, and probably would've said the wrong thing at the wrong time, but otherwise been harmless.
It occurred to Shannon that lying in her bed, in Mark's arms, would be better than just lying in her bed, alone, as she was now. She considered calling him.
She did not want to call him over just to sit here and listen to her cry.
"I look awful, I feel awful, I just want to be alone."
She sounded far less convincing that she had earlier. She bit her lip, and thought that maybe she didn't really want to be alone.
Would Jana be angry?
Of course, if she found out.
She looked over at her cell phone on the nightstand, next to her trusty box of tissue.
A loud-mouthed sports announcer startled her for a moment. Shit. College basketball. She liked playing basketball, but couldn’t stand watching it. She changed the channel again.
Was that a sign?
She reached for her phone.
Waste of time. It was all a waste of time.
Mark and Jana had both called. Both offered to stop by.
A smirk. What if they both showed up at the same time, and saw each other. That wouldn't go over so well.
"Ugh."
Next were the two channels with the religious programming. The first was some guy with too much hair gel (don’t you realize that you’re living a negative stereotype?) preaching in an enormous mega-church.
The second was that woman with long brown hair, who had the strange vocal inflections... she reminded Shannon of the way David Mamet characters speak in some of his movies. She was always teaching some class, like you would sit through in Sunday school. The subject matter was repellant, but the way the woman spoke was fascinating.
She didn't really focus on the channels now. Her thumb would flex at regular intervals without the content registering. She had long since given up hope of finding something to watch, and seemed to be doing a chore.
Washing the dishes. Doing the laundry. Flipping through channels. It’s all the same thing.
A part of her would've liked to have seen Jana tonight, or Mark for that matter, but she had stopped herself from returning their phone calls. She wasn't ready to see anyone. She wanted to be alone. She wanted to be safe.
And everything seemed so pointless. Sure, she could talk to Jana, but it wouldn't change anything. Nothing that she or Jana could say would make things better, at least not yet. All in all, it was better to be alone.
Jana would try, she wouldn't be able to help herself.
Shannon rolled her eyes to the ceiling at the thought.
"Then I would just lose it."
A wave of feelings came, again, as if on cue. She reached over for another tissue from the night stand next to her bed. There was no sobbing this time, just a few tears. Her eyes felt sore from the crying and the tissue.
"God, you're pathetic."
She said it, but she didn't feel it. It could've been a bold statement, but she didn't feel anything bold enough to justify the words.
She was filled with a sense of loss, acute pain passing now and then, bringing more tears, and then chiding from some part of her who wanted to be above it all.
Mark would've been manageable. He would've tried to be supportive, and probably would've said the wrong thing at the wrong time, but otherwise been harmless.
It occurred to Shannon that lying in her bed, in Mark's arms, would be better than just lying in her bed, alone, as she was now. She considered calling him.
She did not want to call him over just to sit here and listen to her cry.
"I look awful, I feel awful, I just want to be alone."
She sounded far less convincing that she had earlier. She bit her lip, and thought that maybe she didn't really want to be alone.
Would Jana be angry?
Of course, if she found out.
She looked over at her cell phone on the nightstand, next to her trusty box of tissue.
A loud-mouthed sports announcer startled her for a moment. Shit. College basketball. She liked playing basketball, but couldn’t stand watching it. She changed the channel again.
Was that a sign?
She reached for her phone.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)