Slowly boiling an egg. (6)

Shannon felt awful. Her stomach was churning. Her hands were shaking. She got like this when she was really nervous, it wasn't the first time.

She took a couple of deep breaths and knocked gently on the door. She let her breath out all the way, and then slowly drew it back in through her nose. Breathing deliberately helped the shaking a little, but her palms were still sweating.

Just when she was about to knock again, convinced that in her desire to avoid this confrontation she had knocked too quietly to be heard, the door pulled open.

"Oh Shannon." Jana said, her voice full of sympathy. She stepped forward quickly, and pulled Shannon close to her in what was not just a hug, but an embrace. Jana always gave the best hugs.

Shannon felt torn. A part of her felt that she didn't deserve this. Another part of her wanted to enjoy this acceptance and comfort from her best friend. The conflict was distracting, but she managed to put her arms around Jana, though a bit limply.

Jana didn't let go. She just stood there holding Shannon closely, in the doorway of her apartment. Shannon was still distracted by her own thoughts, but started to let go and just accept the affection and support Jana was offering. The all too familiar tears were forming in her eyes.

She felt it before she heard it. Then the sound. Jana was crying too. It wasn't just that Jana was holding her to comfort her, it was that Jana was hurting as well. 'Of course. How could I be so selfish as to think it was all about me?'

Somehow it was easier to comfort Jana than to accept comfort from her, so Shannon went with that. She held Jana more firmly and spoke to her.

"Oh Jana, it's been awful. How are you holding up?"

Jana didn't speak. She stopped crying, and held Shannon for another moment. Then she took a step backward and wiped her eyes, looking embarrassed as she did so. She waved at Shannon to come into the apartment.

Shannon came in and looked around. She had spent a lot of time here. Jana actually had a real job. Jana was a grown up. Shannon had always had a slight case of envy about Jana's life. The funny thing was, it was mutual.

Jana had skated through school, effortlessly. She found a great job right out of college, and was making good money. Jana was smart and funny, even if she did tend to stay at home unless Shannon convinced her to come out with the gang. Jana read all of these amazing books and had this warehouse of knowledge. She had beautiful deep blue eyes and black "Crystal Gayle" hair, even if Jana's version just came down to her lower back.

But everytime Shannon would complain in mock desperation about how Jana was so amazing, Jana would argue back about all of the things that she envied about Shannon. Shannon was such an athlete. She could date any guy in the room, but men never paid attention to Jana (which was utter make-believe on her part, but Jana was convinced it was true). Shannon could talk with anyone, anywhere, but Jana just flubbed up the words whenever she tried. Shannon was tall and could be a model if she wanted. Probably the biggest one was that Shannon did things, Shannon went places, Shannon knew people, and Jana didn't.

Shannon was thinking about their endless discussions of mutual admiration as she walked through the living room to the kitchen. Jana had a large two bedroom apartment, just for herself. She used the second bedroom as an office. Shannon had visited here often, and helped herself to a glass of filtered water from the refrigerator. Then she walked back into the living room and sat in "her" chair... a hanging wicker contraption that looked kind of egg-shaped. There were several cushions in it, and she took a moment to get everything sorted out.

The room was dimly lit. The light from the kitchen was throwing some of it's light this way, but the lamps on the end tables and the overhead fixture were still off. Jana was laying on her side, curled up, on the smaller piece of the overstuffed sectional. The couches were the newest addition to her living room, and dominated the space. It had cost a lot, but she said that considering how much time she spent at home it was a worthy investment.

Shannon was completely unprepared when she was hit with a quick thought. 'I bet they had sex on that.' It hit her out of the blue, and she felt embarrassed to have such a petty thought at a time like this. She tried to bury the thought, and push down the hint of jealousy that it raised. 'If anyone has a right to be jealous right now,' she told herself, 'it's Jana.'

"I looked for you after the funeral service. I was really worried until Bobby told me that you left, and that you were okay."

Jana paused and Shannon nodded and took a sip of water. That was slightly annoying. Bobby didn't know that she was okay. She had just stormed out of the church. It occurred to her that maybe Bobby should have followed her to find out if she was okay, but he hadn't. Maybe he just knew her well enough to be assured.

Shannon remembered when she introduced Mark and Jana. She had serious misgivings about setting them up because of what she knew about Mark's history, but each of them had independantly talked to Shannon about the other. It was like a movie set up. She had told Jana everything she knew about Mark's past, warning her, but it was no use, Jana was fascinated by him. Jana told Shannon 'she could take care of herself.'

Finally Jana started again.

"You didn't call me back on Friday. I figured you probably shut your phone off to be alone." Jana paused before continuing. "Then you didn't call me yesterday. I assumed that you were really hurting," Jana's voice faltered now and she had to take a breath before finishing, "and then things are probably complicated too."

'Oh God,' Shannon thought. 'This sucks so bad. This is why you don't...,' she couldn't finish the thought, and looked down at the floor. There were going to be a lot of tears tonight.

Jana was quiet while Shannon was thinking. The room was silent.

When she left Julia outside of 'Pastries and More' she had no intention of talking with Jana tonight. As she began riding home, a sense of urgency started to take hold of her, in her chest. It grew until she had turned her bike around, and headed down to Jana's place.

"Shannon, I don't want to lose you as a friend." Shannon didn't want to look up, she could hear the emotion in Jana's voice. She took the quickest of glances, despite herself, and even though most of the lights were off, she could still see tears streaming down Jana's face.

Again, quiet. The nervousness was gone. Instead Shannon felt a bit awed by the amount of damage her actions were causing. She had always known it, as an idea... in the back of her head... which is why she had been so nervous. Now she was seeing it in front of her. She stared at the floor.

"Shannon!" Jana yelled. "Talk to me damnit!"

Shannon grabbed the edges of the chair and her eyes leaped up to look at Jana, now sitting up straight. She was startled, shocked. She had seen Jana angry before, yelling about something, but it was usually played for humor. This was aimed at her, and there was no softening humor to save Shannon from this.

"Oh God..." Shannon was completely at a loss for words. "Jana." She felt more tears now. Her nerves were back, all at once.

"Shannon, I'm so angry. I'm so hurt. I don't understand." Jana was sitting up now and shook her head faintly. Her voice was still angry, strong, but she wasn't yelling. If softened a little when she spoke again.

"Shannon, you're my best friend, I don't want to lose you, but I'm so angry at you right now. You hurt me."

It was all Shannon could do to not leave, to run away. She buried her face in her hands and cried.

Shannon tried to get a grip as quickly as she could. She felt that she had to do whatever she could... well, almost... to make things better.

"Jana," Shannon's voice was the one over come by emotion this time. "Jana, listen... I've been... thinking about this for days." Shannon wasn't sure what was going to come out of her mouth. "I don't know what I can say that will help. Everything I think of is just hollow." Her voice started to clear again with that.

Jana's face was set in a somewhat stern visage. Her head was tilted, her lips pressed together, but there was still emotion around her eyes.

"I feel so much shame at my behavior. I wish it had happened differently. I wish I hadn't hurt you. I...," Shannon took a breath in the middle, "... don't even think I can ask you to forgive me."

Shannon paused to do some breathing. Jana had been watching Shannon, but now was staring at the floor.

"I want to stay friends with you too, and I am willing to do a lot to try to make that happen, if it's even possible." Shannon took another breath before saying the next part.

"I'm sorry that I hurt you, and I don't have any excuses for it."

The both sat quietly for a while. Jana got up and walked into the bathroom saying that she would be right back. Shannon got up and grabbed a handful of tissues to stuff in her pocket for later, and a second handful to make use of now. She stopped on her way back to her chair, and looked out the sliding glass door to the balcony.

It was only a second floor apartment, and there wasn't much to look at. The wooden fence that went around the back of the property, enclosed a narrow strip of parking along the building. There were a couple of scragly trees sticking up on the other side of the fence.

Unlike the talk with Julia, where she had a good idea of how it would go, and could compare between her expectations and reality, she really didn't know what this was going to look like. She had never betrayed a friend like this before, and didn't know what to expect. She couldn't compare if it was going well, or poorly, in the grand scheme of things.

'At least she hasn't thrown me out yet, that's something.'

Shannon heard the toilet flush, and sat back down in her chair for round 2.

Jana walked out to the living room, subdued. She looked over at Shannon, but then looked away. That hurt Shannon. Something about the way that she looked at her without an acknowledging smile was terrible.

'Yeah, it's supposed to hurt,' she thought to herself. 'This isn't going to be easy.'

"Jana, there is nothing here that you did wrong. You aren't to blame. It's not your fault. I don't know if you think it is, somehow, but it seemed important that I say that." Shannon felt it easy to say supportive things rather than disclose more about her own feelings, so she tried to take that angle.

Jana nodded. She had gone back to the stern look, watching Shannon from where she was sitting.

Shannon scurried for what to say next. Jana deserved the truth, but Shannon wasn't ready for that yet. 'What do I say in between here and there, to make it easier?' Shannon wondered.

"I'm not blaming myself, but I am worried about you. I was ready to storm over to your place and yell at you after work on Monday." Jana was almost smiling, that seemed to be a good sign. "Then after lunch I got a call about the accident. Jake was one of the paramedics who were first on the scene. As soon as he could, he called a few people to let us know."

Shannon was relieved. It seemed the more Jana would talk, it just gave Shannon more time to think. And maybe Jana would be able to work some of her anger out at the same time. Maybe.

"I was so torn. I wanted to beat down your door to yell at you, and make a scene, and all of it... but I wanted to hold you and comfort you at the same time."

Jana was always physical with her friends. It was something Shannon thought was weird at first. Shannon wasn't into women, not like that, and the way Jana behaved kinda gave her the creeps at first. But as she got to know her, she realized that Jana was passionate and physical, and that was that. It wasn't about sex, not at all... it was just that she was very, very expressive.

Once Shannon was sure about what it meant to Jana, she had grown comfortable with it, at least when she was around Jana. It wasn't just hugs. Jana would hold your hand, sit next to you, or even snuggle on the couch. She always seemed to find a way to break the physical barriers that everyone put up. Jana had read a lot of books on the topic, and felt that a big problem with today's society was that people didn't touch enough, and that there was too much stress and fear around touch.

Shannon had grown to really like that about Jana. It was something that she didn't have with anyone else... not her family, and even some of her boyfriends had been more distant, unless they were making out with her at the time.

"I didn't call you right away, because I wasn't sure what I would say. I was really hurt, and angry, and I wanted to know why it had happened. Mark was no use. I'll give him one thing, he came to me and confessed it right away. That surprised me. I tried to get him to tell me why, and he just said that he thought it was time for him to go, and that he was sorry." Jana shook her head. "If I wasn't so angry at you right now, I would thank you for the warning you gave me about him... you were right."

Jana was looking right at Shannon when she said the last bit. It cut Shannon a couple of ways. She was going "all in" with a guy who just betrayed her best friend. He had told Shannon why, sure, but the thing that kept eating at her was that if you take away his words, and just look at his actions, she was making a big mistake.

Shannon was betting her best friend and a lot of future pain on a guy who not only had a history as a womanizer, but could be malicious about it. The doubts that had been gnawing at her came back.

The thing was, he had changed in front of her eyes. Since Sarah, Mark seemed different. She didn't know every detail of what happened in the two years since then, but since the end of last summer, Shannon had spent quite a bit of time around Mark. They had gotten to be friends, though it took a while, and was quite tentative at first. Mark had made a pass at her, and she had refused, but he handled everything with a lot of maturity, and continued to engage as friends.

Mark had been really good with Jana, until Shannon had messed everything up. Mark's words made sense. Shannon was to blame for what had happened, more than Mark. She was sure of that. Shannon realized that she was trying to reassure herself of her decision with these rationalizations, but she felt that there was a good chance that she was right.

She looked up to see that Jana was looking at the wall. They had both been quiet for a while, each lost in thought.

"Jana, I really don't know if you are going to choose to be in my life after this. You have good reason to just be done with me. Sure, the accident happening when it did added a whole level of complexity to how we are all dealing with the situation, but I don't think it changes the fact that I betrayed you."

Jana looked pained at hearing Shannon's last statement. She was shaking her head again, just barely enough to notice. Shannon thought that she might be wishing it wasn't true, or fighting over conflicting feelings. Shannon chided herself, 'I know what it's like to have conflicting feelings well enough.'

"I'm not going to lie to you, but I don't want to hurt you. I'm in a terrible bind. You are my best friend. I want you to be happy. But I did something that really hurt you, something I should not have done, and I can't fix it... I can't undo it."

Jana was still listening with the same hurt expression on her face. She would look away occasionally, but then return to watch Shannon as she was speaking.

Shannon was about to continue speaking, and realized that she was coming around to spilling the rest of it. Instead she kept quiet.

"Shannon..." Jana started to say something, and then seemed to lose it. She turned her head and thought hard for a moment. "Shannon, I've been blaming Mark for this. I am angry that you were the one that he cheated with, that as much or maybe more than him cheating."

She paused, in thought, and continued when she picked up the trail once again.

"I need to know why. Why did it happen?" Jana seemed to holding back a lot. There was a lot going on in her head that she wasn't saying. Shannon couldn't guess exactly what it was, but she could see it clearly on her face.

Shannon had just told Jana that she was to blame. She didn't even mention Mark's name. Jana didn't want to believe it. 'Okay, well, I guess I can't avoid it any longer.'

"Jana, I don't want to hurt you. If I tell you this, it's going to hurt you. I understand that not telling you will still hurt, but I think it might hurt less. Are you sure you want me to tell you?"

"Either you tell me, or I'm going to ask you to leave." Jana was looking at Shannon very calm, with some tension in her jaw and sadness in her eyes.

"Do you want the long story or the short story?" Shannon was stalling to the last. Any words she could throw in front of the oncoming disclosure were welcome delays to the injury that she felt she would unavoidably deal to Jana.

"Long, I think. The more I know, the more I understand, the more of a chance I have to see your side of things, and get over this."

Shannon wasn't sure it would work that way. Sometimes a longer knife just buried itself deeper in your back. In any case, that was what Shannon wanted too. The long version would mean that she could stall more.