A change in the weather (3)

When she woke up, she could tell something was different, but it took her a second to place it. She wasn't alone. It was the smell. Not bad, a little like sweat, masculine. There was something pleasant about it this morning.

She rolled over, on her back, and saw him looking at her. He was already awake, laying on his side, quiet.

She smiled at him, and reached out to grab his hand. It looked like he was going to say something, but stopped himself when he felt her touch. They laid there for several moments, holding hands, not talking, looking at each other.

Last night seemed a very long time ago. Shannon was groggy from sleep, but also felt there was another blanket on her consciousness. She felt a bit altered, like after a couple drinks, but without the benefits.

There was enough light bleeding through the drapes to see that he was smiling back at her. God, he had an amazing smile. She started thinking about her feelings for Mark, and wondered how much of it was shallow physical attraction. It was difficult to figure out. Right now her feelings were jumbled and all stuck together. Thinking of one thing would lead to another and another, until something troubling came up, and she felt the sadness clinch in her chest again.

His smile faded, he let go of her hand, and reached up to stroke her hair. 'He must have seen that,' she thought.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to be crying all the time." She reached up to wipe her eyes, out of habit. At least she wasn't balling like last night. 'God, how embarrassing. Get a grip.'

"I told you, I signed up for this." He paused, choosing his words again. She noticed that he had been doing that a lot last night, that wasn't like him. "It's fine. It makes sense. Just relax. If you're trying to 'put on a good show' then I'm not really being supportive, I'm being a burden."

She smiled at the British accent that he had affected. He used it a lot when he was being the center of attention. She had seen him in that mode several times, usually when they were out at Mac's with the gang.

"I don't know. It still doesn't seem real. I guess it's so big that a part of me is grieving, but other parts of me are trying to pretend it didn't really happen."

She thought about that. She didn't really know what she was talking about, but it just came out like that when she opened her mouth. Maybe it was true. She didn't want her parents to be dead. She was 27 for God's sake, her parents should've been around to see her get married, see her children...

She rolled over and started sobbing again, her face turned into the pillow. God, the rabbit trails of her thoughts kept winding around and leading to somewhere horrible. Everytime she tried to think of something, it just ended up in tears. Damn it. It made her angry.

He put his hand on her back, strong and supportive. She didn't want him to think that she was turning away from him... she just felt ashamed that she couldn't keep it together for 5 minutes. She sat up, turned, put her arms around his neck and shoulders, and tried to bottle up the tears while she held him tightly.

"It's okay to cry, you don't have to fight it. I'm here."

Then she just lost it. Instead of a trying to hold it in, she just let it go. He held her through it.

Until that moment she had thought the cliche 'waves of sadness' was a trite phrase that was the sign of a bad writer. Now she knew better. There was a feeling of something washing over her in waves, then leaving her body.

She had hated the powerlessness that she felt trying to hold the tears back. By letting go, she felt immensely vulnerable, and she hated that too. She needed to do something, though, and his words had given her permission... permission that she hadn't been willing to give herself.

Gradually she felt some of the burden lifting. The tears slowed, and she felt the tightness in her chest was loosening. It wasn't all better, but there was a break in the clouds. It was actually remarkable to her. She wasn't one of those girls who grew up crying. Shannon had never been a tomboy, exactly, but she was an athlete, and she was not the type to play the victim. This was a new experience for her.

"Wow." She didn't know what else to say. She let go of the death grip she had on him, pulled back, and sat with her legs folded beneath her. Mark pulled the blanket off, and she noticed that he had stripped to his t-shirt and boxers. She reached behind her, looking away from him on purpose, and grabbed several tissues. She spent a moment to blow her nose and wipe away the tears.

"I really didn't know that was in me. I feel so much better." When she looked back she noticed that he had pushed himself up so that his back was against the wall. She didn't have a headboard for the bed. She looked around the bedroom, noticing that she didn't have much at all. A dresser, a TV, a chair, a couple nightstands. She was still living the same way she had when she was a college student.

"Last night, I was trying to make sure I didn't say anything that would make you cry. Finally, this morning, it occurred to me that maybe that was what you needed." He didn't look certain, but he appeared full of concern. He seemed so much deeper than she had first pegged him. Maybe she had been wrong about him from the beginning.

"I didn't know," she shook her head slightly. "I thought I had been crying... but I guess I was fighting it the whole time. I never really let it out. That's not..." Shannon gave herself a minute to decide how much she really wanted to spill at this moment. "That's just not me." She decided to give the abridged version.

"Are you going to be okay without me for a minute?" Mark was looking at her, a bit playfully. She was confused.

"Yeah, why... what are you going to..." she stopped as he pointed towards the bathroom. She smiled and rolled her eyes, "Yes, you don't need to ask permission to use the bathroom. God." She flicked a kick at him as he stood up.

She used the moment to consider what was going on. She felt better than she had in days, since she had answered her phone and been told that there had been an accident. She also was really aware that she was still very attracted to Mark. She was starting to entertain thoughts that she herself had taken off the table.

'And what the hell am I going to do about Jana?' She shook her head as she thought about her best friend. 'How could I do this? This isn't who I want to be.' She looked up as she heard the water running in the sink.

"Hey, do you think I could hop in the shower real quick? The warm water feels great."

"Of course. I think the towel on the left is clean."

She started doing some streching, not out of a specific need, more out of habit. It's just what she did when she woke up. She was making a mess of the bed, so she stood up, pulled the sheets back, and then sat back down. Her legs were tight. Everything was tight. Maybe it would be a good day to go to the pool.

The shower sounded like a good idea too. She sat up, leaning against the wall, and waited.

Before too long he stepped out of the bathroom. Shannon felt any resolve she had been holding on to slip away. Damn, he was amazing. Wet curly black hair, bare chest (a swimmer's chest at that), towel wrapped around his waist. Magnificent.

She tried to mask the expression on her face. It didn't work, he had been looking at her. Now he was looking down at the floor, a shy smile on his face.

"Did you do that on purpose?" Her voice was lilting, playful.

He tried to wipe away the smile, but failed. He looked up and started to say something, but couldn't get it out. The smile was betraying any attempt he made to play it off.

She stood up and walked over to where he was standing. He put up a hand as if to help fend off an accusation. She stepped in close and grabbed the top edge of the towel with both hands, on either side, just above his hips.

She made eye contact with him. There was curiosity in his expression and concern.

'He does care, he's not just playing a game.'

She tilted her head downward, bit her lip, and looked up at him through her eyelashes. She had a suggestive smile on her face. When he paused she nodded her head slightly.

The pool could wait.